Today (and yesterday) feels like a perpetual sleep walk. I never thought I would feel this way again. My life is so much better than it was the last time this happened, and that was years ago. What's going on? I couldn't even get my party on with Whitney last night. I was like I'm tired, I'm ready to go home. Today I slept til 9:30 then got up to run to the post office. A friend called and wanted me to meet him for an early lunch, so I did. And being in public with other people and with him just felt like fingernails on a chalkboard. He carried what little conversation there was at lunch, then I went home. And went back to bed. Slept for 3 hours. Got up and ate three left over pieces of pizza from last night, then remembered my reaction to my reflection in a store window last night and thought, I've got two options: 1) throw up the left over pizza, or 2) Try the advanced Pilates workout. So opting for the non-bulemic choice, I stuck in the Advanced Pilates tape thinking yeah I can do this. Then I just found myself sitting in the floor, staring at the perky red head on the screen thinking there's no way my legs are gonna reach that far behind my head by themselves. Bitch. So I turned it off. And just sat there. And another random crying spurt came on. And I just sat there thinking, What in the hell is wrong with me. I have a good life, I love my job. My friends are great. Why in the hell do I feel like I just need to hibernate for a good 72 hours? And it was then that I felt like those stark white blank walls could really come in handy. Because I really want a huge blank space to paint phrases I didn't write but wish I would have like, "This is the best of all possible worlds," and "The little bird dances the Tarantella," and "Let us take care of our garden," and, "Intellect will always govern."

But I don't even have the energy. And I think I'll opt for another nap and see what the nightfall holds. And hope this wears off soon.

I'm going to be totally freakin honest. There are times when I just don't feel good enough.

FYI...

Deep Fork has $5 pizzas after 10 p.m. but you have to ask for them. They're awesome. And the atmosphere is top notch... if you don't mind hanging out with, as Whitney so aptly put it, the "cocaine" crowd.

The Rock Star life is not for me this weekend. We came home early tonight and I'm questioning tomorrow night's events. I just want to get under the covers and stay there.

**mental note** Bricktown after dark, as a social scene, is not for me. I do not enjoy being full on, overtly groped by random boys on the side walk. It's best to pick one place and stay there.

So the official verdict is no more lunch boxes ever. And I mean ever. Apparently you cannot mix beer and liquor and make it out alive. At least I can't. So Jeff will have to change his tune, She's my little lunch box girl back to the origional, because it's going to be strictly crown and coke from here on out.

Can I just say that it's waaaay to easy to pick the "erase this blog" option when changing the settings on blogger when you may or may not be slightly intoxicated.

So if you go to my blog some random Thursday, Friday, or Saturday, maybe even possibly Sunday and Daisy-Girl.net is suddenly gone... don't be alarmed, I've just accidentally deleted my entire blog... all 514 posts. I'll be back soon. Never fear. I'm voting for blogger to move the "delete this blog" button a few spaces down from the "save changes" button instead of right across from it, because as we all know, accidents are unavoidable.

Have a fabulous Friday. I'll be sleeping til at least noon :)

Sometimes I look at this crazy whirlwind that has been the past 24 3/4 years and almost can't believe this has been my life. I have experienced and lived through some things some people never do in their whole lives. I been through some extremely painful and horrible times, and I've had some of the greatest privileges in my life. And now I'm farther in education and career than some people when they're 40. I can't really take any credit for this as I don't really know how I ended up here. I mean, I'll take credit for my education because I worked and am still working very long and hard for that, but everything else just kind of happened. I took a step, a door opened, and another and another. They're still opening and it's crazy. As far as I know, right now, I can attribute it to two things: 1) My belief system- I totally and completely believe there is a reason and an end destination for this whole crazy ride. I believe I have some control over it through allowing myself to make good decisions. And I make good decisions by realizing that life and the world is not just about me and how much I can get. How much can I give? And who do I need to give to? And of course my A-#1 fundamental belief that all human beings deserve love and respect at the most basic level of functioning (life) and there is nothing you can do to negate the need for those two things. We are inborn with those needs. 2) I try to surround myself with creativity and creative people. This has seemed to lead me down paths that require creative decision making and whole ton of creative and fun opportunities. I try never to argue with ignorance because it's a waste of breath, and our breaths are numbered. I try to assess situations to see if there are learning opportunities, even if they present themselves as challenges at first.

I'm just looking at my life today, and yeah I wish I had more cash flow, but that will come in time. And I'm kind of in awe of the road that was chosen for me, and that I have chosen in return. I hope I can say the same when I'm 80. I think I will.

Don't you just love days when you feel like everything's falling into place and creative engery is just coming out of your ears :)

Tonight is the perfect night for grilled cheese and tomato soup :)

Работа очень медленна сегодня. Нет очень, чтобы сделать. Никто еще не пишет, так что каждый должен быть занят. Ryin имеет некоторые хорошие вещи, чтобы сказать относительно его blog хотя. Хорошие вещи.

Kerry et je vais regarder un médecin que cet après-midi pour voir si nous aimerions utiliser l'espace. Je pense qu'il va être trop petit bien que. Nous verrons. Je souhaite que je vraiment a parlé le français. Tout ce que je sais c'est vous fera "vous couche avec moi." Et tout le monde sait dire cela.

Klar! Leben ist eine Landstraße! Ich will es den ganzen Nacht Baby fahren!

Mire blog nuevo de Jerrell. Impresionante.

And in closing, don't forget:

Untatt en hest. Ri en cowboy. Riiiight.

Say Hola to Senor Jerrell who now resides in DC :)

A blast from the past. Nice to hear from ya :)

What a day. Yuck outside, isn't it? I'm trying to figure out why certain things are smaller on my computer screen at work than they are at home. Like the caption under my blog title... at home it's in all caps. At work it's all lower case. Hmmmm. And Whitney's blog is teeny tiny. Weird because everything else seems to be normal.

Hope everybody's Wednesday is fabulous :)

Way too much reading material, I know. But I'm about to fall face-down, dead asleep on my desk. So I'm just gonna comment on last night's coverage of the Democratic National Convetion. A-#1- Hillary in 2008! Say all the bad things you want about her... blah blah blah. That's all I hear. Then try getting off your ass and doing as much work for health care, and women and children around the world as she does. Then I'll listen to your mi-so-gyn-ist-ic (just thought I'd spell it out for ya) comments. #2- Wasn't really a Bill Clinton fan til GW came along. Hindsight's 20/20, eh, what can ya do? Although, I kinda went away from his speech thinking, John who? And maybe instead of amending the freakin constitution to ban gay marriage, maybe we should write in an amendment saying you can run for election again, even after you've already served 2 terms. So anyway, party. I'm all about it. Call me a liberal, then look it up in the dictionary. I'd much rather have the word liberal engraved on my tombstone, than conservative. Give it all, baby, and freely. :)

Topic #1

[This could get academically feminist, so if you aren't so-inclined, check back later.]

Doc Day. Sundance Channel. Can't miss it. Or at least last night I couldn't miss it. And I couldn't turn the channel either. Lucky for me it was over at 9 p.m., just before Hillary Clinton took the podium at the DNC to introduce her husband (more on this later).

The documentary was made by a Jewish woman and set in Jerusalem. The bulk of the documentary was interviews with different Jewish women concerning their purification rituals as pertained to marriage, sex, and menstruation. First and most obviously, a couple is not allowed to have any physical contact with each other before the wedding night. I mean no physical contact including holding hands, hugging, and just about anything else. This didn't seem totally foreign to me, as I know people in certain religious organizations who function this way in their relationships. However, I don't know that I had fully thought through the entirety of implications brought on by absolutely no physical contact for months, sometimes years, to full on intercourse in a matter of only minutes. I watched a young woman, now divorced and ostricized from the Jewish community, recount her wedding night with tears in her eyes-- not because of the comfort, love, and passion you would expect on a wedding night, but because of the devastation it caused within her. Her exact words were, "It felt like rape." To go from nothing to everything so quickly and so forcefully, she felt helpless. And rightfully so.

Another issue that was discussed was the cleansing ritual for women in menstruation. Most of us know that the old testament proclaims any woman in the midst of her cycle unclean. The people in this culture take this seriously. The women are to wear special clothes to let those around them know she is bleeding. And if anyone touches such a woman they must complete a cleansing ritual to rid themselves of the filth. And by touch I mean carelessly bumping into her on the street, or brushing the palm of her hand while counting back change. Even so much as the touch of a fingertip deems you unclean. For seven days this woman is cut off from society, her family, and friends, and for the seven days following her period, she is still forbidden to have sex with her husband. At the end of the 14 days of uncleanliness, she goes at night, in the dark, under cover to a bath called a Miqveh. Here she prepares herself completely by washing her hair, removing all make up and nail polish, and is inspected by an older woman who runs the Miqveh. She then immerses herself into the water by chanting prayers, asking forgiveness, and asking to be cleansed. She returns home and promptly has sex with her husband. What struck me about this process (besides the incessant demonizing of the female body) is that many Jewish women have become barren older women. They say they were never able to have children because 14 days out of the month, they were not able to procreate with their husbands. One of the basic tenets of Judaism is to procreate and have children. And their very own doctrine could very well be wiping out the Jewish race.

I didn't come out of my one hour experience with Judaism completely without hope though. One of the interviewees was a girl preparing for marriage as her mother was introducing her to the Miqveh (which is apparently when you have to start going). The young girl refused to accept the idea that suddenly now that she is getting married that her period makes her unclean. And I got the distinct impression that even though technically they were not supposed to touch each other before the wedding, their wedding night was not going to be such a dramatic/traumatic ordeal **wink**wink**. In short, it gave me hope for the future generations of Jewish women.

I only hope that someday cultures around the world, including facets of our own, will realize that women's bodies are not evil, scary things that need to suppressed. They are beautiful wonderful creations that help bring life into the world. And life and all the mysteries that come with creating it can never be bad.

So much to say, so much to say... where to start.

Topics for the day:
1) The Jewish documentary I watched last night about female sexual purity

2) The DNC

3) Why I stall so long getting ready for work, blogging instead of drying my hair

Transubstantiation

I lay myself down on his altar
He came here to worship
And drink from the cup
That contains the sacrificial blood
And he tasted
This
The body
That was broken
And his bones were infused with holiness
And reverence
For a created thing
Angelic in theory
But human in nature
With unpolished toes
Who only asks that he
Take down the crucifix
And live a resurrection

Just doing some work, getting some research done today... looking into doing some grant writing... just found a rather alarming statistic. You want proof that Oklahoma is one of the most impoverished states in the US? In the last year on record, and I'd be willing to bet it's higher now... 46% of all births in the state were financed by Medicaid. Almost half of all babies born that year were DHS babies. And shock and surprise, the majority of the moms who gave birth on Medicaid were white. That's right, white. Man, what a sad statement about our economy, our healthcare, and our situation as a state in general. Don't get me wrong, praise God the state was there to get healthcare and pre-natal care for those moms and babies, but there comes a point when we've gotta step it up a notch. And you'll never be able to tell me it doesn't start with education. Better teachers, better curriculum, better schools help better people get better jobs. And it takes money to do that. So someone please tell the Southern Baptists to get off their high horses and start pumping some money into this economy and not just their religious organizations or quit making such a fuss about the lottery. We've gotta do something.

Didn't mean to turn this into a political rant :) Hope everybody's having a good Monday!

Today is quite possibly the perfect day. It's still July but you can almost smell fall in the air. I step out side and feel like I'm 16 again waiting for football games, blankets on lakeshores, and the naivete that is believing your high school love will be your one and only for the rest of your life.

Outside my window I have a perfect view of a parking lot. A great big church parking lot. Well, you get what you pay for I suppose. But today the rent was worth every cent. The lot was empty except for two figures moving off to the side, almost out of my view. I looked more closely and saw that it was a dad teaching his son, who looked to be 6 or 7, how to ride his bike without training wheels. Dad was holding onto the handle bars while the little boy was sitting stationary on his bike wobbling back and forth. I haven't seen anything that brought that big of a smile to my face in years probably. It made me remember the time when my dad was teaching me to ride my bike outside our house in Texas. I had to learn to ride without training wheels because Ryan McDaniel, my cartoon watching buddy and next door neighbor, kept taunting me about them and saying he'd always beat me when we raced because I was still a training wheels baby. Well we all know what happened next. Dad taught me how to ride, I practiced, and I promptly knocked on Mr. McDaniels front door and said, "Beat me if you can." We started at the end of the street and decided to make it a straight sprint to the end of the road ending at our houses. I started out hard and fast and before I knew it I coudn't even see him out of the corner of my eyes, so I turned around and was pleased to see that I had left his butt in the dirt. He was still peddling furiously though. My house was in view and I had almost won the race. About two seconds before the race was over, I hit the gravel in front of our driveway, purple and pink Huffy went sideways, and I slid about four feet on bare skin into the mail box. But I won and that was all that needed to be said. What is it Bleu says, "Have you ever bled for the price of glory?" Hell yeah. Just ask Ryan. So I hope that little boy wins his race today.

This has been the strangest weekend. Good things are happening, I can feel it. I love that life is just a series of constant changes, one after the other. This is a good time. I'm learning things about me I didn't know before. And I feel like I'm rounding another corner. And God, I can't wait til fall.

Haiku

Beware the drunk girl
Empty bottle in her hand
With the broken heart

My shopping list:

Some new music
New earrings/necklace
A bottle of wine

It's gonna be a good night.

And I keep having recurring dreams about my car getting stolen. They usually come in times of stress. What do you think that means?

Sometimes when everything in life seems to be going wrong, there's only one thing you can do...

Go shopping.

The world is turning upside down. And it's taking us with it.

I think karma, fate, and whathaveyou are playing little tricks on the humans these days. I'm beyond the point of hoping for peace. Something's happening. Everything's happening. And to everyone. Almost. Times they are achangin'. Sometimes it's exciting and other times it's exhausting. And most of the time you just want to hang the blanket over the window, crank the AC up, bury yourself under piles of covers and not leave for hours and hours.

It's about trust. And lies. And innuendo. And misunderstanding.

It's about learning and being vulnerable. And taking a risk. And picking up the phone. And coming out of it alive.

It's about distances and differences. Bright are the stars that shine in someone else's sky. Green is the grass that grows some place different. Being happy everywhere and knowing when it's time to move on.

maybe it's being lonely. And then having a 48 hour respite. And trying not to make it permanent. And loving it at the same time.

Trying to write your life story. Taking snapshots with words. And trying not to sell-out the guilty and the anonymous. Realizing your whole life is emotionally classified and being left without anything to put on the page.

You. just. never. know. what's. next.

Can I just say that MSG offers a nice respite from the stresses of the work day. And Aloha Garden on the south side has the best.

Head. Hurts.

Whoops :) Well, at least I feel like my week's getting better. So many interesting things are happening around me right now. It's very cool. Kevin, how's Ginge this morning? Better, I hope. If anything ever happened to my Tucker I'd have to be medicated, so I know how you feel :)

Well, today's a busy day. I get to go sit in the Social Security Office for three hours waiting for my number to be called. That's exciting, right? My soc. sec. card got stolen a while back and I have to get a new one to be a signer on all our accounts for work. Blah blah blah. Boooooring. Anyway, that should be an adventure in people watching. We'll see. Anybody got any good plans for the weekend? (Besides Van Halen :) and/or Badwater sans the Princeton drop-out)

What. A. Day.

But it's almost over :) Yipppeee! Got alot done. Designed and ordered invites for our fundraiser at the Petroleum Club in October and designed a new database for keeping client stats and records. Go me.

Just call me She Ra. Princess of Power.

Trouble in Shangri La

Last night was the most ridiculously stupid and over-the-top emotionally charged night I have spent in many years. Something weird was in the air yesterday and it just got worse as the day went on.

Around 7:30 I got a phone call and I knew it was my sister from the number on the caller ID but all I could hear were sobs and gasps for breath on the other end of the phone. She squeaked out a "Hi" and I asked her to take a deep breath and try to talk to me and tell me what was wrong. (This was quite alarming because she's not usually the break down crying type. I was sure someone had died or something.) Then she started telling me about something dad had done that on the surface had angered her immensely but really had hurt her very deeply. After sorting things out for a few minutes things became calm. Later that night a 21 year old girl in Texas spent 45 minutes on the phone telling her dad for the first time how she felt she grew up without a father and things weren't getting any better. In the middle of all this I fielded phone calls from a pissed off mom who's purpose in life is to protect her babies.

At this point I'm thinking, I need a drink. Then I get a rather accusatory phone call about something I was totally oblivious of and I felt like I was seventeen, standing in the bathroom at midnight again when mom sent dad up to smell my breath to see if I'd been drinking when, at that point in time, I had never even tasted alcohol. That started the downward spiral. Well, if they're so convinced of it, why not? And the rest is history. And the more I thought about it, and am thinking about it still, the more that phone call bothers me. The message, the tone, the whole thing was just weird. I'm just living my life, trying to pay the bills. I wish that was enough. I think I need to learn to keep some things, the deepest things about me to myself. I think it's hard for most people to separate events a person may or may not be/get "involved" in from who the person actually is. And it gets messy and people get hurt. I just found myself repeating this in my head, Am I really that bad of a person?

So in light of recent events, I don't think I'll be taking any phone calls today. If you need to talk, email me :)

I'm experiementing with some writing ideas. RIGHT now I'm doing significant snippits from my life. It looks long, but it would probably be about 2 1/2 or 3 pages in a book. If you take the time to read it, let me know what you think. And check back periodically for new posts. Unless I get uninspired. :)

February 19

Nancy. Woman of perpetual profundity. Must be the red bull. And Carrie, the ultimate conversationalist. Fabulous girls, fabulous.

God Bless the Blog

Blogs are funny things, are they not? You almost always know what to expect if you're a daily reader and you've got your favorites (we all do). I know if I'm going to read Kevin's "Journal" I expect something about work, what he's doing after hours or this weekend, what he plans to do with his future, and the music he's listening to at the moment. :) If I'm reading Whitney's and she's actually blogged recently (haha) I expect something about work, money, the house, and possibly Drew. You never really know what to expect with Ragan's but there will usually be something that has to do with the music scene and something probably about pop culture, and it will almost always be light-hearted. Ragan knows that making us use our brains can be dangerous. And he'll just make you want to say, "More beer please." Ryin's changing things up a bit. Can't put him in a box at this point. But I like the direction it's going. Very introspective and thoughtful and very well written. I'm totally captivated. Kudos :) Matt hasn't blogged in almost a month. But from what I can gather he's been a very busy man. But I know when he does finally write something it will either be glaringly offensive and hilarious, or rock solid gold. Kenny's getting raw on me. And it's awesome. Not so much a political rant anymore, lots more emotion. And Dave's tweaked out and just as brilliant and experimental as ever. Good stuff.

And what's interesting is I'm learning more and more people have alternate blogs where they post the really good stuff. They're never linked so you'll never find them, but trust me, they're out there. I know at least 3 people who have them. Wouldn't it be cool if we could all just post everything we wanted to without hesitation? Without hurting other people, or without embarrassing someone, or without feeling like we were putting our jobs/friendships/loves/reputations/necks on the line because of a little bitty thing called a web log? But apparently truth is very powerful. And it's not always responded to positively. So for now we keep it under anonymous blogspot addresses without comments and profiles and links and hit counters and emails. It's safer that way. And everybody loves a good mystery.

Nice surprise... Kenny is taking me to lunch :)

Well, that's what I get for complaining about working late. I think I may have just had the coolest experience in my whole four years at my job. I just met a man who proves that it does not matter how young or old you are, or how many mistakes you feel like you've made, it's never too late to have hope and it's never too late to help someone else. That made my day.

There are the days that must happen to you. -Walt Whitman

The last few days have felt like that day. Everything just seems a little off kilter. Yesterday I tripped over my own feet probably three times. And I'm not usually clumsy. It was just one of those things. You know the days when you are constantly dropping things, bumping into things, stubbing your toes, all the while getting nothing accomplished. Well, that was yesterday. Then today was an endless circle of stressed out, high speed nothingness. And it was crazy. I had a brainstorm this morning of a fundraiser I want to get started on this week. So I started the print end of it. Hence my run-in with Publisher. Getting it just perfect for the 1,000 plus mailing list was a four hour ordeal. But it's finished, for the most part. It was just a day where I had someone holding on both lines, clients in the waiting room, and volunteers and staff needing questions answered all day long. So I thought I'd take a break and go to the post office to mail some things. I get to the post office, go to get the package out of my back seat, and suddenly remember it's sitting in the chair in my living room. Niiiice. Well, at least it got me out of the office and into the 115 degree heat. So that was fun. And now I have to work late because I've agreed to see a counseling client after hours because she works during business hours (obviously). So while everybody's at happy hour and gearing up to see The Stragglers and Steve and Brandon in Stillwater, I will be going home, putting on shorts, thawing a chicken breast, eating, and promptly passing out so I don't have to think about the fact that my life has become one long string of work and eating dinner alone and going to bed (yes, alone. But that part's ok for now :).

I just hope tomorrow's slower. And more fun.

Please pass the percocet

It's time for another Microsoft is the Devil rant. I've spent the last FOUR HOURS trying to put a PERIOD ON THE END OF A SENTENCE OUTSIDE THE PRINTABLE AREA in Microsoft Publisher. And if I wouldn't get fired, I'd take this whole PC and chuck it as hard as I could out the front door (I don't have a window).

I'm suing them for my upcoming chiropractic bills. Because at this point I'm so tense my neck sounds like a rice krispies commercial.

So anyway. That's it, I'm done. And I just used my pen to write a period in. Nobody'll know the difference.

O.M.G. So I took a caffeine pill this morning because I was feeling particularly sleepy. You have to eat something to kick start it. So I wander into the volunteer work area to see what kinda snacks we've got goin on. Looks as if an Oasis Balance Bar, The Complete Nutrition Bar for Women, Strawberry Cheesecake flavor is about my only option. Unless I want sour cream and onion Pringles at 10 a.m. No thanks. But now I'm thinking they might have been the better option. This little Oasis bar thing is like a cardboard sponge with frosting. And I don't see any strawberries. So 3/4 of it is now sitting in the trash. But the speed is kicking in so it's all good. Everybody have a good Monday, I'm sure I'll have more to say later. :)

[Also, it seems my previous link to my photo poem thingy may not have worked as planned. For some reason I'm still having to refresh Jesus to click on the little arrow to get to the next page, so you may have to too. Take a look.]

I give you:

What I've been working on today... besides laundry.

**A few notes: It's late and I'm tired of messing with it, when you get to the Jesus page, if it comes up small, just refresh, it should fix it. All I can figure is that the www is a Jesus hater. Enjoy :)

Chuch Pahlaniuk on your life story as a piece of art:

"Maybe with a little more effort and reflection, you can live the kind of life story a literary agent would want to read.

Or maybe... just maybe this whole process is our training wheels toward something bigger. If we can reflect and know our lives, we might stay awake and shape our futures. Our flood of books and movies- of plots and story arcs- they might be mankind's way to be aware of all our history. Our options. All the ways we've tried in the past to fix the world.

We have it all: the time, the technology, the experience, the education, and the disgust.

What if they made a movie about a war and nobody came?

If we're too lazy to learn history history, maybe we can learn plots. Maybe our sense of 'been there, done that' will save us from declaring the next war. If war won't 'play,' then why bother? If war can't 'find an audience.' If we see that war 'tanks' after the opening weekend, then no one will greenlight another one. Not for a long, long time.

Then finally, what if some writer comes up with an entirely new story..."

Got some cool pictures. Now I just need the words. We'll see :)

All this creativity and boredom has inspired me. The sun is shining, it's not hot as the place where the bad people go yet, and I feel like writing. So, I will be out and about in OKC today taking pictures for my next series of photo essays and photo poems. And if I do say so myself, it's a great way to spend an afternoon without spending a dime. :)

If you haven't seen The Butterfly Effect yet, rent it. Wow.

Another Lazy Saturday

So last night Ryin and I saw Jack Stowage at the Sip. Nice place, the Sip. They even have ping pong. Who'da thought? It was a great show. Todd brought up an older guy named Maurice, who he said he'd been trying to get ahold of every show they've played for the last year. This man was awesome. He sang songs like Mustang Sally and The Thrill is Gone. I was totally feelin it. Ryin and I had some interesting conversation :) But that's usually the case. It turns out he has some hidden talents he's just waiting to reveal to the world. And I'll just go on record as saying I wanna be one of the first :) Good times.

Saturday's going to be pretty lazy. Stocked up on movies from blockbuster and junk food to veg out tonight. Will somebody come over and do my dishes?

Family Ties

Change is inevitable right? But sometimes it just seems really weird and unlikely, but I guess that's what makes life interesting. Just like everybody else, things in my life have changed a whole lot over the years. You know, just normal things like schools, jobs, relationships, friends, parents, divorces, babies, loss, the list goes on and on. But the fundamental things in my life, the foundation of my most important relationships has stayed the same. Until now.

I know they say at some point the parent becomes the child and the child takes on the role of the parent. But I thought that wasn't supposed to happen til my parents were, oh, 70 or 80 or so. Let me start here: My mother has always been the very voice of fool-proof reason in my life, sometimes almost to a fault. It took her along time to have tolerance for gray areas, where there is no clear cut decision, no black or white right or wrong answer. There were always absolutes with her. You DO this. You NEVER do this. You MUST do this. This is always RIGHT. That is always WRONG. I think it took her a lot of long hard years in some pretty contentious relationships to ease up where differences of opinion were involved. And as you can imagine, as a 16, 17, 18, 19 year old girl with the bad boy boyfriend, it was quite hard for me to relate to my mother in any way shape or form unless she was yelling and I was crying. That's how things typically went. Looking back now, I can see her point. I know she was just trying to look out for me, to save me from alot of the pain that I eventually endured from making horrible decisions. I just wish that somehow we could have communicated differently, like we do now. And I'm trying to put that knowledge to good use in our relationship now.

The coin has flipped to the other side, and it's definitely tails. Some of you know the story and some of you don't, but for all my mom has been through in the past 5 years, she deserves heaven. She went from having a limited and very narrow view of the world because of the atmosphere in which she was raised, and raised my sister and me, to being one of the most accepting and understanding human beings I know. She'll give anybody a chance, regardless. And after going through a hell of a divorce after almost 21 years of marriage, she found someone else, someone she thought was finally someone who would love and accept her unconditionally. And he did for a while. Until we found out he had been lying about something rather significant for 3 1/2 years. So she broke it off and said it was harder than the divorce. And now he's trying to lure her back and she's falling for it. In our conversations, all I ask her to do is consider the past as objectively as she can. The man doesn't have a history of making wise decisions, and unfortunately he's drug all kinds of people down with him. And she says, "Yes, that is so true. But I also know what it's like to mess up and want to be forgiven." And I just reply with, "Yes, we all do. But there is a difference between messing up once and chronically, massively, destructively and hatefully messing things up over and over again for the better part of 40 years."

And suddenly I find myself back in my old bedroom, except this time she's the one sitting on the bed and I'm the one standing at the footboard trying to talk some sense into her. This woman who has always seen the world in black and white, right and wrong terms, the one-strike-and-you're-out gal, is suddenly lobbying for someone who has not only done something completely wrong, but hurt her more than anyone in her whole 45 years. And all I can say is, "I want you to do what's best for you. I'll stand behind you in whatever decision you make and I will never hate him. But if he ever does this again they'll be looking for his body." And I'm just praying that all the reason and good sense she has will come back to her and overcome her fear of being alone.

So I woke up at 11a.m. this morning with nothing to do. I know, my life is rough. But I figure I should enjoy it whilst I can just like Kevin, sans demanding spouse and children. But today I'm really wishing I had a pool. Man, that would be nice.

So, got no plans for the weekend. Need to do some stuff around the house, so we'll see what happens. I think I'm going to have waffles for lunch. Yummmm.

TGIF :)

Whitney and I had a great dinner last night at Chileno's. It's great to have friends that are at the same point in life you are and you can share stories and experiences. She says she wants to have a massive kegger before her floors get refinished. Just another excuse to trash the place before it gets all pretty :) Anyway, we had some interesting conversation last night. I told her how the last few years of my life I've really enjoyed not being attached and kinda just hanging out. But in the last weeks and months I've realized how much I really want a relationship, and it's weird because I'm not used to that. And it's not so much that I'm looking now, at all. It's just that when the possibility comes up again, I'll have a little different mindset. And she said the funniest thing. She said, Ashly I know everybody says it'll happen when you're not looking for it, but that's a bunch of crap. (And a cliche one at that.) When I found Drew, I was definitely looking. And I believe her. I don't think you can trick fate into sending you someone by purposefully "not looking." I mean really, isn't that the equivalent to looking anyway? I just believe it will happen when it's supposed to happen, looking or not.

So anyway, interesting changes going on in my life. Fun fun. Riiiight.

So Dave's in Malibu today. Grrrrrr. But at least he's thinking of me, so I'm there by proxy right? Still not the same. Anywho, speaking of Dave, it reminds me of this book I just started: Stranger than Fiction by Chuck Palahniuk. Same guy who wrote Fight Club. I think just about all of you would dig this book. I mean who wouldn't dig a book by a guy who admits he offers Lortabs to people on airplanes just to get stories out of them. Anyway, the book is a collection of stories and essays that he's written from his life experience. And they are nuts. Totally crazy. Dirty, nasty, intriguing, raw, honest, and completely irresistible. I love it. You should all go out and get it right now :)

Anywho, who knows what the weekend holds. This week has been one unpredictable thing after another, so I'm sure it will at least be exciting.

I just journalled so I'm too spent to write anything decent here. But I've got alot going on upstairs. Ponder on this:

Life is what you make it, so get out there and shake it.
-Whitney Ann

Werd.

So Todd Snider has a new CD coming out on the 20th. There's a song on it called "Conservative Christian, Right Wing, Republican, Straight, White, American Males." This should be good :)

Wormy Dog Wednesday nights. Praise God and pass the tequilla.

Finally

Somebody finally talked Phil and Drew into getting a blog. I have a pretty good idea just who that Printed Princess might be.

Anyway, it's coming soon and should be interesting :)

Perspective

I've had a million thoughts going through my head the last few days. And I've pretty much spanned the whole spectrum of emotions from straight up depressed, pissed off, to care-free and happy. (I'm not bipolar, I promise.) I guess it's good for us to go through those times every once in a while. But it doesn't make it easy. I just have this thing where I look back over the people and events in my life and at first I say, Man, WTF. But then the broader picture always comes into view and I realize that I would not be who I am today without those people and events. But I see myself moving into a massive time of learning, probably mostly where it concerns relationships. I wasn't aware until recently how much I really want close relationships, or a close relationship in my life.

I tend to pick the wrong people.

Well, maybe not so much the wrong people, because I learn something from every experience, I guess I just don't pick the best people. But then I find myself saying, well the very few people that I think would be good are no-go's for one reason or another. Well, basically just one reason: they want to be with someone else. So my logical side says, that just means you need to chill out and move on. Something else will come up. But the irrational, whiney, and needy side of me says, I finally know some guys who aren't married (this seems to be quite the anomaly) but none of them will work for me at this point.

And damned if this isn't a post about me having a boyfriend. Shit. I'm just saying I'm sick of making stupid decisions and letting people draw me into things that are crazy and that they have no control over. I take responsibility for it. I choose to be in those relationships, but I think I've finally had my fill. I think from 15 years old to almost 25 years old is waaaay long enough.

So that's it. No more.

Just gonna hang out with my drinking buddies and my kitty cat for a while :)

So who else feels like they could crawl underneath their desk and take a nap? Ok, not technically under the desk because I'm pretty sure there are some chips down there I dropped about three months ago and couldn't get out... but there's a couch in the next room that is callin. my. name.

And I'm feelin kinda cranky.

And mostly just pissed off at men. Send me love notes if you'd like.

Man. Another busy day. Glad I got nothin to do tonight :) House needs major cleaning, and my baby is sick and needs some TLC.

You've got exactly 24 hours to link me or you're gonna lose me :)

The old address will **poof** vanish, tomorrow.

You know what's bad? When you're still paying off debt your ex charged when you lived together in 1999. And you're mailing them with wedding stamps.

Blech.

Panera: Sierra Turkey, sans onions, plus cheddar.

It's the only way to go. Unless you get a Bacon Turkey Bravo.

So busy today. I guess it's about time I did my share :)

The Clearwater Bay Golf & Country Club

Dear sir:

How's the weather in Hong Kong? Looks nice. Hope you enjoyed your look around Daisy-Girl.net. As the proprietor of this fine blog, I appreciate people, such as yourself, with an obvious grasp and appreciation for the finer things in life. Please know that I would most graciously accept any offers of membership to your club and/or vouchers for free travel. You've got my email. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Ahso!
Ashly

What a weekend. I was walking through walmart this afternoon getting groceries and thinking, my tummy doesn't feel so good. Hmmmm. It's a mystery. But I'd say it's definitely worth it. Throw back to the good 'ol days on Friday night with Warrant, and to Ragan and Melisa's on Saturday, then recovering in the shelter of my dark, cool, bedroom under piles of blankets on Sunday.

This really is a great time, it seems, in most everybody's lives. I think Ryin said it best, and it's so true. We're all just kind of doing what comes natural and waiting to see what comes next. Exciting stuff.

I, however, have a long Monday ahead of me... Financial reviews, board meetings, etc. Icky icky. But in the long run it's going to prove to be very beneficial for me, I can feel it. You do what ya gotta do, ya know.

Good to be out with Whitney this weekend. We needed a little girl time. She keeps me grounded when those times come and my better judgment escapes me (which doesn't happen that often, I hope).

Anywho, hope everyone has a fabulous Monday :) Rock n roll.

Heaven's NEVER too far away especially when you're wearing a fishnet shirt, eyeliner, and a perm. And maybe some black, skintight jeans that zip at the ankles.

Best 17 bucks I've ever spent. Didn't stop smiling for 2 hours.

Come over. Let me put you on ice.

So I'm at the office a little today. Aren't I the dedicated employee? I'm trying to get a temporary page up since we just changed our name. Messing with web hosting services is always a pain in the you-know-what, but somebody's gotta do it.

Anyway, last night was fun. I had a revelation. Boys are shy about their feelings too :) I already knew this, but for some reason it always shocks me to see it in action. I guess because I tend to pick boys who are incapable of emotion, therefore never thought to hide them. Anyway over the last 36 hours I have had the exact same conversation with two different guys who don't even know each other. Kinda funny. It's all about the ambiguous blog references to their hopeful significant others :) One didn't know if he should, the other did then got freaked out and erased it all. So here are some helpful hints from the other side :

1. Mystery is the heart of intrigue. Definitely put it out there, but be vague. For example if your true love is your Underwater Basketweaving Instructor, do not title your blog "To the most beautiful Underwater Basketweaving Instructor on the face of the planet:" No no no. Write about her without using specifics from her life like her name, her job, things like that. Write about the things you like about her, the things that draw you to her.

2. Check Kenny's blog for examples. I have no idea who this woman is he's talking about, but he makes me melt. She's a lucky woman.

3. It feels intimidating to you to write about her because you know she's going to read it and you're just sure she'll know you're talking about her. Speaking from a slightly different perspective, I guarantee she'll see it as the most intriguing, lovely mystery and she won't be able to peel herself away. Trust me. So don't be scared.

Just a few helpful suggestions for my boy friends who are so cute that they feel the need to write and put their feelings out there for these obviously wonderful women who have completely taken over the very functioning capacity of their brains :)

My afternoon has slowed down momentarily. Made the deposit, paid the bills, leaving in a hour to run errands (for work). However, I just noticed that the fabulous and oh so informative Department of Homeland Security has issued another one of its vague, ambiguous, apocalyptic, death of all mankind warnings:

We don't know when, we don't know where, and we don't know how, but we're sure of it. Those dirty brown bastards from the middle east are going to kill us all. And it's going to be soon.

But go on about your lives. No reason to worry. Hakuna Matata.

Thank you Mr. Ridge. I will be able to sleep just a little more soundly tonight now that you've informed me that my impending death is potentially only moments away but I am virtually powerless to stop it. Thankfully though, I've got my duct tape and water. Should take the edge off nuclear and/or biological and/or chemical war, don't you think?

I wouldn't mind a little Jack Stowage tonight. Eye candy and calming. What more could you ask for :)

Man what a busy day. Everybody I know is in up to their eyeballs today. I have spent the morning filling out way too detailed and way too long liability insurance papers. Now that sounds like fun, right? Ah yes. Not so much.

You do not know how truly thankful I am that for the past 3 years Thursdays have been my Fridays. And I am no more thankful than today. I'm exhausted. I've got crazy things going on in my head. I've had horrible nightmares the last two nights. Two nights ago, someone I dearly love and long to spend time with got tired of me and shot me in the back. And I died. Yes, I died. So what they say about not dying in your dreams is crap. Because I specifically remember thinking (in my dream) so this is what it feels like to die. And then it all went to black. (Morbid, I know.) Then last night I dreamed that a guy pulled a gun on me and stole my car. It was horrible, but at least I didn't die this time. I must have some funky subconscious emotional things going on right now. Well, yeah, I'm pretty sure I do. But oh well, you get over it and you move on.

Anyway, you guys don't know it but this guy is H-O-T, HOT! I'm serious. Grrrrrr. Too bad he's stuck in Texas.

Gospel

Mr. Shagwell has inspired me. Seeing that I have a few of the male persuasion in my audience, I figure it's about time I address the etiquette that is the male/female first impression/response experience. I don't know about you boys, but I, for one, and several of my gf's have spent endless nights twirling our hair, sitting on bar stools going out of our ever-loving mind's screaming inside to ourselves Go the F*** away already! Yes, I realize you bought me an alcoholic beverage and I am deeply obliged but you are in no way entitled to sit here and put me through sheer hell for an entire night with your boring stories about work and ex-girlfriends!

So. I've put together a few rules and important things to remember.

1. The outside is obviously the first thing you see. Now, don't misinterpret this to mean that you have to be a Bachelor-worthy GQ boy to catch our eyes. I suppose we all have different "types" but the main thing is that you present your best self, not your just rolled out of the bed I've been in all day because I was too hungover to go to work self. And I'm not suggesting that you become addicted to Queer Eye, but catching bits and pieces of a few episodes wouldn't kill you. I suggest cleaning out the closet and getting rid of everything was was bought before 2001-2002, or anything that looks like it could have been bought before then. And God knows, anything that looks even remotely late eighties-early nineties is a deal breaker for sure. Wear nice shoes (but appropriate to the venue). And if your shirt is tucked in, wear a belt that matches your shoes.

2. Next thing, sooooo important, DON'T be a cling-on. If you're brave enough to buy us a drink, great. Conversate while we're having said drink, then be gone. Trust me, if she wants you to come back, she'll find you. And if you leave her alone, more than likely she will.

3. Conversation: Use your brain, that's all I'm asking. Once, while agonizing for hours about how to get the boy in the "Big Daddy" shirt to leave me alone and not hearing a word he was saying, one phrase got through: "Sometimes I just wanna be held ya know." OH GOD. Did he just? Oh man. The nearest exit was not nearly close enough, but I bolted anyway. Don't talk about yourself unless she asks you a question. Always turn the conversation back to her. Then try to talk about things she likes that you might have in common. But please don't ramble on about jobs and past girlfriends. PLEASE. I think those are the 2 biggest mistakes boys make.

4. Watch her eyes. If she's continually averting your gaze, move on. Sorry.

5. If you should be so lucky to win her time that evening through confidence and good conversation and lack of clinginess (you will always be able to tell through her eyes), please do not ask for her phone number. Simply give her yours, preferably on a card, and let her decide what to do with it. If you've made it this far gracefully, odds are you'll be getting a phone call in the next few days.

I'm not even going to address the sex question, but I do know this: you can tell alot about a man's personality and his *ahhemm* manner of doing things by his approach the first time he meets you. If he seems to be focused on you and looking for things that intrigue you in conversation, he's probably a sure bet. It's the completely self-absorbed, unassured, awkward, and cling-on's that won't get more than a minute beside me on a bar stool. Or anywhere else for that matter.

Just carry yourself with confidence, smile, and talk about things that interest her. You'll do fine **wink wink**

I look forward to seein you out :)

Boys

You have to read.

Ryin's got me in that sentimental frame of mind.

I love it that there are people in my life that are thoughtful. You know, it's really the little things that count. I mean tiny little bitty things like asking how my day's going and various other little rarities that make me smile. You have no idea how important these things are.

We don't always have those people in our lives on a consistent basis, and I'm thankful for the ones I have right now. And I really really really hope they don't plan on going anywhere soon.

After many long days, weeks, and months, 26 Blue is finally making its long awaited debut. Again. :)

BTW, where do you go for open mic night? I need a good diversion every once in a while. Listening to the crazies might be fun.

When the little sticker on the side of your pill bottle says, "Take with food," listen to it.

Blech.

Opening

Public Notice: I have recently terminated the employment of my indentured manservant. I will now be accepting applications to fill the position. Nights and weekends are required. Compensation is commiserate to job performance. So bring your A game. You won't be sorry.

I had the weirdest dream last night.

I was hanging out in an apartment with some friends. A knock came at the door. Someone was screaming my name, so I answered it. It was a guy who lived in the next building. He was having a party and Guns n Roses was there and he wanted me to come bring my guitar and play with them. Now I'm not sure if it was all of GnR or if it was just Axl, but nonetheless I was like, hell yeah let me get my guitar and I'll be down in a minute.

As it turns out, I tore the place up looking for my guitar and when I found it, it was broken. Even though I woke up after that, I'm pretty sure I still woulda gone to the party. And probably ended up in jail.

I didn't remember this dream until 5 p.m. tonight and was reminded of it by VH1's #73 Most Metal Moment: The band that sings one of the ultimate stripper songs that no doubt can be heard singing it live at the WD this Friday evening.

Well, happy July 4th all :)

I'm getting ready to head outside and watch the Bricktown fireworks here in a minute. The cool thing about where I live is you can stand on the porch and see the show and not have to mess with the parking :)

Mom and I ended coming back a day early. We'd pretty much done all the damage we could do in Eureka Springs and decided to head back today instead of tomorrow. So we ended our trip with a fabulous hour long massage. It's funny the ties human touch has to our thoughts and our emotions. When she massaged my neck it felt warm and comfortable and familiar. She moved to my back and it felt wonderful but I felt tears filling my eyes. Then she moved to my legs and my feet and I couldn't help but smile. Skin has memory. I'm convinced.

Well, home safe and sound and minus one refridgerator. Mine went out and I'm getting a new one Monday or Tuesday. AND I got a job offer making about twice what I'm making now. I'm sure the bosses will be interested in that. :)

Be safe. Rock n roll.

Vacation, Finally.

Mom called me Friday morning and said if you want to go to Eureka Springs with me, I'll be there to pick you up in 30 minutes.

She had reservations at the nicest hotel in town. Uh, yeah. Come get me. So we're here. This place is so massively Stephen King-ish. Very "The Shining." I keep waiting to walk out of my room in the morning and see Redrum written on the walls. They say it's haunted and they have pictures of actual ghosts that guests have just "happened" to take.

Anyway, we're gonna hang out by the pool today and then we're getting full body massages tomorrow. Oh yeah. Life is good. Seems like everybody's in emotional crisis right now. Nothing better to get your mind off it than the mountains, some good food, a pool, and a nice, long massage.

Everybody be safe this weekend. Talk to ya Tuesday.

Yay Thursday nights at the WD. Although, live music woulda been cooler, but ya know. What can ya say. Sometimes love and fam comes before the show ya know. Hell yeah. That's the way it's supposed to be.

Damn Cingular. Their delayed text messages are gonna get a whole host of people in a whole lotta trouble. I need them when the message is sent. Not 3 hours later. Come on!

(And Kevin, before you ask, yes, this is one of those stream of consciousness posts.)

Good to see Roberto tonight. Long time no talk. And Ryin, dear, in January, I'm planning on getting a hella raise. It might blow your mind. So if I start sending you brochures on tours of Austria don't be surprised :)

Anywho, I made it home safe and sound. Hope all you did too. Be safe this weekend.

Peace out homey G.

So it's supposed to rain all day and all night. Sounds like good sleeping weather to me. We'll see if I can drag myself out for a pre-long weekend party party. If you had to bet, what would you say?

Anyway, I get my new phone today. I'm totally pumped. I'm so sick of Cingular, but they have a monopoly on my talk time. All my friends have cingular and I use like a zillion phone to phone minutes a month, so I can't go with anybody else. Not that any of the other companies are any better. Anywho, I think I might just stick to buying phones off ebay so I don't have to mess with getting locked into 2 year contracts and getting stuck with a crappy phone that I can't upgrade for two more years. Oh yeah, but they'll send me another phone exactly like mine (except of course, the ringer actually works) for $25. Are you kidding me?? They quit making that phone 18 months ago. No, I don't want another one! So anyway, I'm excited to have my new one, even if it means reprogramming all 15 numbers in my phonebook :) (I know my list is short, but it's very exclusive.)

Well, not alot's going on today so I'll probably head out early to catch Mr. UPS man. Hopefully he'll be hot. We'll see.

Everybody party safe this weekend! And remember to use your firework's safety rules!