I'm like a kid in a candy store. Came home for lunch and there it was... I've been waiting for a week and a half. My new stuff from alloy.com. I can officially say I will never buy another pair of jeans anywhere else. 37" inseam. Are you kidding me? I'm gonna have to go buy higher heels. I could have gotten a size smaller, but I don't wanna wait another 2 weeks for the return, so they're in the dryer as we speak.

P's trying to talk me out of spending my vacation money on another pair of fabulous jeans. ...but they're on sale!... step away from the catalogue. massage/jeans... massage/jeans... Ok, ok. I'll wait.

Anyway, for the record, the reason I haven't been out during the week in a while is NOT because I'm in love. :) It's because I prefer to get sleep and not show up at work hungover. But I'm feeling a bit better and feeling like I might make an appearance to see my Alabama boyfriend tonight.

Later Taters.

Down with the sickness.

I'm out for the day. Except for school tonight. You should be proud.

Have a good one!

Hideeho Neighbor Joe.

It's been a quick day here in the land of abused and neglected rugrats. Lots of court. Lots of eating lunch at my desk. And lots of talking to the boy I love. I've decided I'm gonna stay on the same healthy track I'm on and everything will be ok. Cross your fingers for me in the reproduction department (that it doesn't happen) 'cause we're switching that up too. But it's all good in tha hood.

Don't have an eventful night planned. A trip to the grocery store is in order and that's about it.

I'm gettin a little pissed at my sister. I've called her twice and I haven't talked to her since Christmas. Call a sista back! I heard she's been traipsing around the country going to PA school interviews and that it's getting more and more likely she's going to end up on the beach in Charleston, SC. Well, good for her. And her 40 year old surgeon.

Who wants to come over and vacuum and do laundry for me?

You? Yes! Fabulous! I'll be home at 6:30.

Out.

Today's not such a good day. Just got home from the doctor and apparently I'm like seconds away from a stroke. Literally. Thanks to too much stress, too little diet and exercise. Blood pressure is outta control, apparently. However, it's been higher than it was today...

So there's drama on the homefront. No more birth control pills. (We're working that out-- the dr & me.) I've suddenly completely lost my appetite and i'm forcing myself to the gym after work today.

I prefer to be alive and have use of both sides of my body.

Somebody say something nice. I really need it today.

So today's just not really my day... woke up at 3 a.m. from a nightmare involving thieves smashing in the big window in the living room, 3 of the TJ boys stealing cop cars to drive to OKC, and little girls throwing themselves in front of moving SUV's and me not be able to save them.

I MIGHT be having an anxiety attack.

In other news, I get to go to the girl doctor tomorrow. Or as one of my good friends says, I get to "open up and say aaahhhh." REAL excited about that. My blood pressure's gonna be sky high. I will have gained 30 pounds since last year. And I'm just hopin she doesn't shove her finger up my butt to check for colon cancer. If you're not a girl, be thankful. Seriously.

But at least I will have one problem solved. If I couldn't get in to the dr in the next 2 weeks, it would have been a BORING vacation. :) And that woulda sucked. In fact, it woulda been a really boring next 3 months until I could get the pills refilled. Yeah right.

We all know I woulda ended up with a kid on the way.

Anyway. Enough about pussies and babies. It's Tuesday. Have fun. We only have 3 more days til the weekend.

Hola senors y senoritas! Como estas? I ate breakfast at 7:30 this morning and i'm already starving. So it's the ol' sack lunch again today. I'm so proud of myself. Hi-five for me!

So this weekend was exciting. The No La Justicia show was crazy. I can't believe how packed that place was. Luckily I got hooked up with a wrist band and hung out with my pals backstage for the duration of the show. Saturday NFD and I packed it up and headed south for big show in V town. It was actually way more uneventful than we expected, so we settled for doing shots every five minutes and making fools of ourselves at the front of the stage. It was funny, Saturday morning we both woke up saying I don't remember drinking that much... why the hell do I feel so shitty!! Then we counted it up and, well, we had a little more than we thought. Then for some stupid reason we went along with Chonchi's suggestion of Mexican food for lunch. Then we spent about 30 minutes in the McDonalds bathroom on the way out of town... finally we hit the road, got home safe and sound, Ms. Diaz went to work, I went home and made Ramen noodles and fell asleep on the couch.

Ya know, I've talked to several different people about his blog and what I write and don't write... what I feel like I should put out there and what I shouldn't... and it comes to this: if you don't wanna read it, don't. It's about to get super mushy. You've been warned.

I. am. in. love. There's just no way around it. I've tried for years to make damn sure I found myself in no position to commit. I'm all about it-- walk away at any time. It'll be best for everybody involved. No strings, nobody gets hurt, we all get to do what we wanna do. We're talking years and years of work specifically to avoid the situation in which I find myself presently. It's funny how all that energy and effort can be dismantled in a matter of minutes...

At 8:30 every morning I get a text message that says I miss you and I love you with all my heart. Have a great day today! I haven't opened my own car door in five months. Or carried a shopping bag. Or any other kind of bag for that matter. Or made myself breakfast (except for cereal on week days). Or pumped my own gas. Or had to worry about fixing the car. And there are a million other little tiny things that I'm so used to doing for myself that have been taken over by someone else. And not because I've asked him to (it would have never occurred to me), but because he loves me. Over Christmas break, dad got to spend some time with us, and when dad and I were alone, he asked me straight out, Is he good to you? I said, You have no idea. Let's just put it this way, when we were at Mimi's for Christmas, I asked Dani to bring me a cookie from the kitchen. She laughed and said, Get off your ass and get it yourself! And that's when I realized I was getting spoiled.

And it's so cliche, but it's the little things that make the difference. And it's the quirky things that make it interesting... like the way it's hard for me to sleep with someone in the same bed and he can't sleep if he's not wrapped up in me. We're working it out... :) And how we are constantly saying the same thing at the same time. It's almost like we have one brain. And how it never fails when I'm having a horrible day, he'll be having a great one and he'll be able to pull me out of the funk I'm in... and vice versa. And how he can't go to bed if there's something between us we need to work out.

And you know, people always say, You'll just know when it's IT. And I don't know if that's entirely accurate. I think you'll know when you've finally found someone you're willing to stick with, even if things get shitty, just for the simple fact that they are an incredible human being and make the world better just for existing in it. And that's what I've found.

I've found myself having to explain a lot of things to friends and family about why plans are changing and why I've changed my stance on relationships and all that. And what I can say is I try to live my life so that when I'm 70 or 80 years old, I won't look back and wonder what would have happened if I would have just tried something. Or taken a risk. Or stuck with something. I don't want to have regrets. And this is one of those things. I don't have a great history in relationships. I've made some really bad decisions and I've learned some really good lessons. And I'm not in the habit of choosing good things. And this one, one way or another, landed in my lap. And I'm not about to let it go.

He's passionate, he's the most considerate and caring person I've ever met. He is loyal almost to a fault, and he supports me and loves me with everything he has. He puts so much effort into putting his feelings into words, which he says is a new thing for him, but he already does way better than I do at that. He is the bravest person I know. And getting braver. I've never met anyone in my life with such capacity to change and learn from the experience.

He's allergic to cats, so we're working on this. :) But there's no way I'm letting this one go. It's scary as hell and I know he's thinking he might lose me at any minute to some freak out episode over my fear of commitment. But he's not gonna. This is it for me.

This is it.

And since I've just placed my $166 order, I'll share. :) If you need super long jeans to wear heels with, go here. And I thought of Nanna when I bought my new Reading Rainbow shirt. It's only appropriate. You probably know that if you've ever been drunk at my house at 2 a.m.

They've got chuck taylors too.

All around 2 thumbs up.

OMG. I just found a place that has 37" inseam jeans. You have no idea how much money I'm about to spend. I've been waiting for this day since junior high.

So much for the savings account!

TGIF!!! Man, I did not wanna get out of bed this morning. But I still got up and had enough time to eat my cereal in front of Good Morning America, shower, get ready, and make my lunch. And I was still out the door in time to be on time for work. It's two and a half whole days that I've made my lunch for work and cooked for dinner. Wow. Look at me all domesticated and saving money!

Speaking of... I kinda wanna go to see No Justice tonight. If for nothing else than the social aspect. But I really need to save some cash. And it would be way cheaper to stay home and watch a movie or go see Tristan and Isolde with Maroline. We shall see.

My best friend's husband is playing at the Brewery tomorrow night, (with Chad Dorman and the Chad Dorman Band) and whilst I had planned to go, plans recently changed and duty calls. But it's ok because my tall, gorgeous, independent friend will fare the hour without me just fine. I know this. So tomorrow it's back to V Town for the big gig at the Cotton Boll. They line dance there. :) Everybody should go at least once in their lifetime. It'll make ya wanna go spray paint a water tower, guaranteed. I may have a partner in crime, so we'll regale you with our tale on Monday.

Have a happy Friday!

You know you've been doing social work too long when your insults start getting clinical.

OMG. You are so low functioning.

:)

Probably time to get out.

I can't say it enough. I love my friends. Had two particularly good heart to hearts last night. And it's a great thought to know I've surrounded myself with people who have such a capacity for loving other people. :) You guys are amazing.

Mush mush mush. I'm just gushing with it. I just think a lot of us are going through some pretty significant changes in our lives right now, or trying to adjust to recent changes, and so it's cool to know that no matter how confusing things get, we can always grow from them and look back at them in the end and say, yeah. That wasn't so bad. We discussed a lot of the big things last night...

Throwing yourself into something just for the experience and keeping it with you forever no matter how it turns out. Staying true to who you are and helping others do the same. Being independent enough to be yourself but still open enough to the possibilities of closeness with another person. Figuring out what IT is and being smart enough to recognize it when it finds you. Being willing to struggle and fight through something for the sake of the future...

Man, acoustic night at the bar brings it out, I guess. Well, today's Thursday and tomorrow's Friday. And I live for tomorrows. And it's finally gonna get cold again... snuggle time!

Turned on the CD player in the living room tonight and this started blaring.

I'm still thinking about naming my first child after this guy. Just cuz he's more infinitely cool than anyone I've ever known.

Check out his favorite drink. I'd like to say that's how we met, but really it was Ragan having the nerve to ask the black-haired, made up, spiked freak how he happened into the bar with the saddles...

Well well well. I'm actually getting some work done today. Imagine that. :)

Well, sorta. In between text messages. I love my friends. And I love the fact that sometimes in life, you go through things that are going to help someone else go through the same thing. And I also love having moments like when you tell someone you love your deepest darkest secret that you're afraid they're going to hate you for, and they look at you and go, "I did the same thing. Don't worry about it."

That's when you know it's right.

Life is good. Class last night was cool. Only one paper to write all semester long and it's over a book called Love's Executioner (and it's about psychotherapy). Sounds pretty cool. My teacher for this class is a fifty-ish guy who has long, wavy silver hair that hits right around his shoulder blades. Full beard. Sparkly eyes that crinkle when he smiles. Soft spoken and teaching a counseling class. He's an affair waiting to happen. (Not for me, but surely for someone.) Come to think of it, my other teacher this semester is pretty easy on the eyes as well. Good thing I'm SAT. IS. FIED. You have no idea. :)

Anyway, got some stuff to get done at the house tonight, but may hit the dog, more for the conversation than for the music, but the music ain't bad. :) We shall see.

Happy humping.

Somebody needs to use this picture for an album cover.

For your reading pleasure.

It's time to start writing again...

It's Tuesday but it feels like Monday to me. And I'm not at all excited about starting school tonight. Last semester, last semester, last semester. Still not better.

What a great weekend I had. Friday night in Stillwater was fun, made some new friends at Roosters, and got some much needed one-on-one time with someone I'd been missing a lot. You know, I hate it when you feel like there's something wrong between me and one of my friends. Usually it's nothing, but sometimes you just need to sit down, get it out in the open, and clear it up. And we did. And it made me wish for the days when we used to have the bar to ourselves to sit and drink and talk til midnight. It's great to know that no matter what happens, you'll always have that-- even though it may not get said out loud in words, you know that your friendship is still something that connects you, no matter what happens in life. That's what real friends are.

Saturday was kinda hum drum. Sleeping in, running errands, a very mediocre meal at Chelino's downtown. Sunday it was back to TX with the BF, dinner w/ friends, and Hide and Seek. I thought the movie was completely predictable, but still good. The BF didn't enjoy it so much. He's not as much of a fan of scary movies as I am. I wanna go see Hostel and he tells me I'm gonna have to take Caroline.

Monday was a good day, and for reason's I'll just let you imagine. :) Let's just say I'm still recovering...

TMI!! TMI!!

So here we are back at work, getting ready for school. And there's a rumbly in my tumbly. 3 weeks til vacation!!!

TGIF ya'll. And happy Friday the 13th! Hope nothing really spooky happens.

I'll be headin to Stillwater tonight for the TJ show. May be stayin' there so we don't have to worry about who's driving back. Because I think we all know who it would be. :)

Then it's the long weekend. WOo HOO! Except on the other side of that weekend, school starts. Which is only even slightly interesting because it's my last semester. I'm trying to decide if I should walk in May. I don't really care one way or the other, but most people who skip out on it say they wish they would have. I probably should. We'll see.

Maroline and I saw Brokeback Mountain last night. It was very slow, but I really liked it. It made me think about the way Jack Ingram describes The Last Picture Show on his Acoustic Motel album. It's a very yawnable kind of movie, but still worth the ticket price. Very interesting. Lots of plot twists, but kinda long. I give it one thumb up. (insert gay joke here)

So anyway.

This building is toxic. It's eating my brains. And that's why I have this constant headache, I'm sure. Better find something to do. See ya down the road.

hola, senors y senoritas. sorry for the delay but life's been muy busy lately. and just fyi, like nic, i'm thinking about laying daisy-girl to rest in the very near future.

she's had a good nearly 3 year run. and I'm sure she'll be reincarnated in some other glorious form, but like any spoiled child, she eventually grows up, learns some hard lessons, and has to leave the nest. but we'll send her off with love and always welcome her back.

i'm just preparing you so as to ease you into the grieving process and hopefully it will make letting go easier.

anyway, i just got done spending $300 at the mall and I feel stellar. there are two things i do when i get anxious. i eat and i shop. and you know what that means. so many people think, damn, i can't go shopping, my clothes are too tight. i've gotta go on a diet so i can fit into my old ones. not me. i'm like woo hoo! time for a new wardrobe! that's how warped my mind is. and my anxiety meter has been on overload lately. i've tried to control it. i've tried to RELAX RELATE RELEASE but my subconscious is still in shock at the thought of *gasp* monogamy and making life changing decisions based on that concept.

don't get me wrong. i really really really want to and i'm having lots of fun. it's just extremely anxiety provoking. because i like to be in control. and i can't really control this if i want things to work out favorably. i'm trying to keep the anxiety under control, but i've got 2 new pairs of gauchos and 3 new shirts that say it's not going so well.

anyway, may go spend some time with my girl and a bottle of twisted river's finest this evening. it's been too long. we need some QT. hope your hump day was successful. hope your thursday is too.

Dixie n Daisy 4 Ever

Monday funday. Not really.

I've got about a thousand papers sitting on my desk that need to be filed. I keep thinking eventually we're gonna hire a case aid and he/she's gonna need something to do, so I keep putting it off. Surprising. I guess I should be happy that all my littlen's are healthy and happy and that my days are pretty uneventful at this point. I've got other things on my mind anyway.

This is the week when a nice chunk of change's gonna get deposited into my empty bank account and I have to decide what to do with it. Part of it's going for school, the other part was for moving expenses to the west coast. Yeah, well, plans have changed a little and while I don't think it's going to cost me as much to move, I still should save some, huh.

I need some new clothes. Uh oh. Here we go.

Got a few bills to get paid off, you know, the whole responsible adult thing. And I guess I'll keep the rest for those necessities that will present themselves on down the road. Yeah, right.

Well, I had a fantastic weekend. Watched The Skeleton Key last night. And despite poor reviews from Dixie, I dug it. Very unpredictable ending. Got some new music this weekend, thanks to Mark. And I think I'm supposed to make sure Nanna gets a copy. It's this guy. Not too shabby. I've gotta start writing again. Writing good stuff. Not just string of consciousness stuff. I think this blog has ruined my creative ability.

Ruined.

Looking forward to a restful week and weekend. Nothing but me and Tucker. Quality one on one time. I've missed him.

Happy Monday.

Somebody's listening to the Counting Crows Greatest Hits. It's wafting down the hallway. Love it love it love it. And it just so happens to have been in my CD player on the way to work this morning.

... you can never escape, you can only go south down the coast...

But I took it out for Martin Sexton's Live and Loud. Goddamn.

My angel's gone to Vegas, holdin' aces in her hand. Sippin' Hallelujah, as she's singin' Rock of Ages on a table at the Sands...

Mmmm. Possibly the best $15.99 I've ever spent on iTunes. The live version of Black Sheep made me cry in the shower this morning. And then I packed my bags. :)

Well, TGIF. And I got called in to court yesterday at 5:30. Yeah, I was not a little pissed. The girl who was covering my case while I was in Norman yesterday called me at 5:15 and said court is still in session, you gotta come down b/c she hasn't called your case yet and I gotta go pick up my kid from day care. (I've decided I need a kid, ASAP.) So I got to go sit in a still half full court room til 7 p.m. last night, just because the judge has some weird vendetta against one of the families that she called absolutely last. Guess she wanted to inconvenience them as much as possible by keeping them and their 3 very very small children there for 7 hours. I never realized how much power judges actually have until this job. It's a pretty scary thing. They can tell you to go take a flying leap off the far side of the moon, and if you don't, your ass is in jail. At least until you can get an appeal pushed through. It's ridiculous how broken this system is.

Anyway, all that to say, I get to leave early today. And what better day to leave early than Friday? So I'm happy about that. Should be a good weekend. Life and love is in the air. I'm in w/ Ryin. No more waiting, no more doubting, no more hesitating, just doing and being and letting it happen.

Peace.

so i found out something kinda weird yesterday. i ran into a friend I hadn't talked to in a month or so... he said did you hear about James? (a close friend of his- golf buddy and dentist, and someone I'd met once)

Uh, no. He moved to New Mexico, right? Are you gonna tell me he died?

Nope, murdered a 30 year old girl. HOLY SHIT.

So apparently this totally normal, preppy guy, wealthy, successful dentist and dad stalked a waitress from the rib crib, somehow got her back to his house where they "engaged in a very physical embrace" which resulted in his hands around her neck choking her to death. He drug her body out to the back porch, sat down, had a few beers, took a nap, got up and had sex with her dead body, went to play golf, then dumped her body in a ditch.

Jesus Christ. You just never know what people around you are capable of. Seriously. You could be shaking hands with a truly psychotic person and you may never know it. Unless you're that unlucky girl who ends up with his table on Friday night.

Beware the $20 tip.

good day to you, kind sirs!

mmm, right. i'm in the middle of a training class at work and bored to tears. luckily i'm sitting at the back and have free reign over the computer.

i need to take down the christmas tree tonight. should have done it by now, but i've only been home for a night or so and sporadically since the big day. and tuck is slowly but steadily destroying my ornaments one by one. on christmas, there was only one lying broken on the floor. now there's like 3. i think he's trying to tell me something. i've horribly neglected my little guy over the last couple of weeks. and i'm paying dearly for it, trust me. he greets me with very angry and harsh sounding meows when I walk in the door now.

ok, enough about the cat. but my life is sorta boring right now. just waiting on school to start so i can get it over with and get on with the rest of my life!!

omg i'm so bored. i can't believe they're paying somebody to talk to us for 6 hours about things we already know...

your tax dollars at work, people.

It's nose back to the grindstone. Yick. But you know what? It's 2006. And that changes everything. Even the worst stuff is not that bad. So much cool stuff is gonna happen this year. It'll be the best year since 04. And even better than that one, and that's A LOT.

I found out last week that I got a 3K raise, which of course is nice. But not nice enough to make me stay put. So I started job hunting just for the fun of it and had to quit after 5 minutes. There's so much good stuff out there right now but I can't even start thinking about it for a couple of months. So my New Years was eventful and fun. A few little teeny tiny bumps in the road, but nothing that couldn't be cured at Kevin's house by a "glass" of wine and a few other treats. ;) I picked up another lil somethin somethin in while I was in TX this weekend and it hurts like hell this morning. But not as bad as when I was gettin' it. :) ...it puts the lotion on the skin...

Anyways, next big thing is the vacation. And it's gonna be like pullin teeth to get me back here. Five days in the mountains, in the snow, with a man who makes me tingle. Life is good.

Take a deep breath and be happy. Tomorrow the week will be half way over.

Hopefully I can surround myself with others who understand the change and pad the impending fall. 2005, here we go. (01/02/05)

Indeed. I said I needed 18 months and I've got 5 of them left. I woke up this morning to the 75 degree weather and thought this feels weird. Feels like May, like I should be leaving. I said I needed a plan and it's starting to come together. There's still work to be done, but I feel more at peace with it now than I ever have. So I guess I'll just stay with the theme, hold on and see where it takes me. 2006, here we go.