I know I'm way late to this party, but if you haven't checked it out yet, Ragan's got some great Roger Clyne Hooch. I was actually at that show... for like fifteen minutes.

It was a learning experience: You DON'T leave Roger Clyne shows... not for NOTHIN. And I haven't missed one since. :)

Ex boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands and wives, lovers and leavers, those who "would like to crawl in a hole and shut out the noise"... it's on like Donkey Kong.



And on a different note, I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow and was contemplating chopping it all off. Well, not all of it, but a good bit of it. Then Kerry said, Don't you dare. And that's what I needed to hear. So there will be no hair chopping. Just hair trimming. And I don't care what you say, I'm not going blond.

The Printed Princess posted a great article today.

Sometimes there are days at a time when I contemplate who I am, what I'm doing, where I'm going and what this whole thing's really all about. This task seems kind of futile sometimes, because I spend hours and hours on it and I always end up coming up with the same things. But there are days when everything feels upside down and out of order. Kind of like trying to do a rubic's cube blind folded. Pretty impossible.

Bless the day
This restoration is complete
Dirty-dusty something must be underneath
So I scrape and I scuff
Though it's never quite enough
I'm starting to see me finally

I have a million theories of safe places and unconditional things and somehow, they never apply to me. I look at everyone else as people who deserve to be respected and loved and valued as living, breathing human beings, but it never occurs to me that I fall into that category too. It's ok that I have massive imperfections and it's ok that I'm quirky and too opinionated sometimes, and that I come on too strong at certain times about certain subjects. All of those things are part of me. And every one of those things are a result of experiences I've had in my life and they all serve a specific purpose. But sometimes it's hard to love those things when I think they're viewed as unacceptable or less than desirable by other people. Alot of times I find myself trying to mold myself into something I think others will like.

A gallery of paintings new and paintings old
I guess it's no surprise that I'm no Michelangelo
Every layer of mine hides a lovely design
It might take a little patience
It might take a little time

Those times in my life are generally yucky... mostly because I always fail miserably. And I have to be gently reminded that I am who I am because I'm designed to be that way. And when all is said and done, I wouldn't change a thing about the experiences I've had in my life and who they've made me. I do feel out of place most of the time. I'm in contradiction to most of my surroundings here. And that's ok. I'm learning how to revel in it and use it as catalyst for change and growth... in myself and other people. And honestly, I'm just tired of that twelve year old girl who lives inside of me begging to be good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, creative enough. It's time for her to grow up. Because in and of myself, I'm not good enough. But if I embrace the road, surrender control, and just let it take me where I'm supposed to go, I think peace will be just around the corner. And that is beautiful.

But you called me beautiful
When you saw my shame
And you placed me on the wall
Anyway.

Lemonade...

The good thing about being totally drained and so tired you could fall asleep at any minute...

These are the only times (besides a good massage) when I feel like I'm truly relaxed. I got the most wonderful bath gel for Christmas. It's pink and it's got sparkles in it. But the best part is you can smell it through this whole end of the house and it's yummmmmy.

2 green candles.

And it's bedtime and much needed sleep.

Daisy and Dixie have finally been reunited in the blogoshpere. Just like old times. Except on the innernets. Check her out. You'll dig her.

WhistlinDixie.

Running on about 2 1/2 hours of sleep with burning retinas...

Well it looks like some of us are finally going to be able to go straight for the jugular over social issues in a more organized fashion over at ICR, at least after Jeff and Wayne work out all the bugs. This should be interesting.

Before I forget, thanks Maroline for the Katie Melua CD. I love it.

I seem to have made a mess of things concerning one of my friends as of late. Sometimes I don't think Uncle Rico was so crazy for wanting to figure out that whole time travel thing. I'd change things if I could. But for now I'm just going to have to settle for waiting and taking deep breaths and muddling through it as I go and not letting it speak to the core of who I am, which I'm fighting like hell not to do.

Life, whaddayagonna do. Some times the unexpected happens. And sometimes it's not as great as you'd hoped it would be. But at least it's never boring. And there's always something to learn. I just wish the learning came a little easier for me. I've always been the one that has to run to the far side of the moon before even the simplest concepts settle themselves into my brain and I'm able to integrate them into my life.

So it's Hump Day. And it's beautiful outside. Hmmm... maybe the lake and some writing tonight... we'll see.

There's nothing like CNN at 3 a.m. Johnny Cochran died of an inoperable brain tumor, Jerry Fallwell's got a bad case of pneumonia, and 300,000 have died in the Sudan.

I think it's safe to say today just plain sucks.

I was four years old. I had on a blue dress with ruffles at the bottom. Mom was standing in the doorway of the kitchen holding my little sister and dad was mingling amongst the senior citizen ladies chattering in the living room.

Ashly, he calls, Sing a song for the ladies. Stand up straight and make it pretty, he says.

He lifts my tiny four year old frame up and sets it on the hearth for all to see. I fingered the lace on my ruffles as I belted out what must have been a song I learned in Vacation Bible School. I can't remember anything but the way the crackled texture of the bricks looked and hoping that this room full of people liked my new white knee socks. The song ended and of course the old ladies erupted in applause. I looked at dad, he nodded, and I stepped down.

If there's one thing I've learned from being a preacher's daughter for twenty-five years, it's that you can be anything you need to be to anyone at any given time. You learn how to interact with the most destitute person then turn around and make a connection with someone wearing a designer coat and shoes. Be all things to all people. You learn how to smile. You learn how to be quiet. You soon figure out it's not about you. Smile and nod while they talk about themselves. You learn how to put on a brave face. It doesn't matter how bad you feel, you sit on the front row, ankles crossed, with the distinct feeling of people staring holes into the back of your head. You sing every verse of every song and stand quietly by while the hoards of attention-hungry people line up to tell stories about their long-lost family members, their jobs, their health problems, their relationships, their rebellious children. You smile and you nod. Sometimes you hold out a hand.

You learn that you are an accessory, a trophy on an arm, the one in the pink dress in the picture on the back of a best selling book. And you learn how to lie and you learn to hold your secrets closer than anything or anyone. Because this is the way of the world. Well, this world.

Some things stick with you. And sometimes you hate that hearth, that song, and every single one of those old ladies, but sometimes you're oddly thankful.

Sweet. The new James Avery catalogue. Just in time for this months paycheck.

I've had my eye on a necklace in there for about a year now. I need to just go get it.

So be kind to your mother, though she may seem an awful mother,
And the next time she tries to feed you collard greens...
Remember what she does when you're asleep!

Craziness. I love my friends. I was recounting some drama in my life with Kerry over lunch today. And sweet, innocent, little blue-eyed Kerry listens to the whole saga, looks at me and says, "I need a cigarette."

Tell me about it.

I ate a whole cheeseburger at lunch today. And it was goooood. And it's okay because we're working out at 4 today. And who cares anyway. I'm fabulous, right? And more random thoughts: I've got 2 pairs of jeans I need to patch. I just can't part with them. Dani politely informed me last Friday night that my butt was hanging out due to a rip on the back left pocket of one of my favorite pairs. And the other ones are so old they're falling apart at the seems. But patches are fun anyways. So I guess I should get on that to avoid any indecent exposure in the future, huh.

Man, my job. It's nuts sometimes. Some people will tell other people just about anything. I'm talking complete strangers. I just had a woman walk in my office looking for a volunteer position tell me about the nervous break down she had recently and her kidney disease she's got. Um OK. Stay away from my clients, please. Getting personal information outta me is like pulling teeth most days. And other people just ooze with it I guess. But you know what they say, everybody's got a story...

Might be a little harder than yours... Have you ever bled for the price of glooorrrry... Then what the hell are you living for...

Ok, no more singing.

Anyways, all's good in tha hood. How's your day goin?

Go get our girl.

Well, it's been a full 25 hours since I've had more than 3 bites of anything. And I'm starting to get a little hungry. I'm just all flustered at the moment. :) If there's one thing I would change about myself, it would be the fact that I can't turn my brain off every once in a while. It just keeps going and going and going and going. And I can think I have a certain situation figured out, then the more I think about it, the more I change my mind and realize I have absolutely no clue what's going on. It's insane, really. Luckily I have friends who know I do this and have come to expect it from me. Deep breath in! And let it out! And we're good. So they don't think I'm totally nuts.

Looks like Maroline and I will be finishing up Season One of Sex and the City tonight over frozen pizza, then heading out to Teddy's. I'm pretty sure I've seen every SATC ever made, and most of them twice. And true to form, I cried on parts one and two of the series finale. But that's just me. :) Always, hoping the unlikely will happen. And it did for Carrie. IN Paris. What are the odds?

Why am I suddenly listening to Nick Lachey? Kerry and I are going to have to have a serious talk about her music selection. I'm not liking Kerry's Ultimate Favorites CD Vol III very much...

Anyway, I suppose I should get some work done. Everyone have a lovely Tuesday and come out and hear Chadder and Kevmo tonight.

I have the stinkiest feet ever right now. I have this one pair of shoes that if I don't wear socks, clear the room. Whew! Gross.

I'm just sayin.

Well, I'm not going to go into my Monday Night Introspection because I'm afraid if I start, I'll never stop. But the presentation went well and I kind of ended up talking about Participant Observation and that it's not enough to sit around and talk about things. You have to jump in the middle and be willing to get your hands dirty if you're ever going to get anything accomplished. Anyway, Dr. Henderson said I got "the maximum points," and he seemed pretty happy with it. He had me read an article about poverty from one of his books out loud to the class. It reminded me of my 5th grade teacher, Mrs. Geis, with us all sitting on the tulip comforter listening to her read chapters out of Hans Brinker.

I still want 2 more cats so I can name them Jacob Poot and Voostenwalbert Schimmelpinnick.

Anyway, I had a lady come up to me after class and go, "Your neck gets red when you get nervous too." And another one bites the dust. I can have the bravest face on ever, but if I'm having even the slightest emotional reaction on the inside I get these nice big red splotches all over my neck. They're quite lovely. This is why I'm a horrible liar. My skin gives me away every time. I need to invest in turtle necks. Problem solved.

I was so discombobulated today that I didn't eat. And now I'm starving. Going out in search of sustenance. Have a lovely evening and sweet dreams. :)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday's was good. Aww.

Say a quick prayer for these people today. They're saying if it's going to happen, it'll be by 3 p.m. our time.

Wow. More honor society stuff... induction ceremonies, honor cords... It makes me laugh. If these people only knew that 3 1/2 years ago I was sportin' a smooth 1.64.

Star, star,
Teach me how to shine.
Teach me so I know what's going on in your mind...

Something's in the air. And it's more than SARS. It's kinda cool but kinda nerve wracking and nauseating (only the good kind) at the same time.

Today is the most beautiful day. And I've got to find some poor, desperate boy to mow my lawn, seeing as I've got a good 2 months before the lawnmower will wriggle itself into my teeny tiny budget. Such is life.

I'm really excited about April. It's gonna be a great month. I've got a huge event for work, which hopefully we can pull off even better than last year. But first, on April 6th, Billy Collins is coming to OCU to do a workshop in the morning and a reading that night. I've never come away from one of these things not determined to quit school, quit my job, move to the coast and be a crazy, eccentric writer for the rest of my life. This one should be no different.

Then on the 20th, Elie Wiesel is coming to OCU as part of the Distinguished Speakers Series which should be incredible. If any of you want to attend either of these events, they are free and open to the public. I live for this stuff.

Gotta do a presentation tonight on Qualitative Behavioral Research. Haven't even cracked the book. Hey, I've got more important and way more interesting things going on in my life at the moment. :) But I guess I better get on it.

Have a fabulous day dears.

*winks*

Why would I overreact? Nobody in my family overreacts!
-Annie Banks, Father of the Bride

I wear myself out. No telling what I do to the rest of you. And for that I apologize. I am incredibly grateful to the girl who answers the phone in the middle of the night and listens to me melt down over practically nothing without laughing and then says, "You're going to be fine. We'll talk about this more tomorrow, ok?"

You think things are going to get easier when you grow up. They don't. The stakes get higher and you still have no clue what you're doing. Just feeling your way through hoping you don't make a massive mess of things. And if you do make a mess of things, hopefully you've surrounded yourself with patient people who are willing to dig in and help you clean up.

Happy Easter, everyone. Have a good one.

I had one of the most screwed up dreams I've ever had today while taking my nap to make up for coming in at 6 this morning. I was in about a million different places and with a million different people I knew and there was lots of liquid... lots of water, showers, pools, snow, rain. And lots of me having no idea what in the world was going on and the subtle feeling that someone else was pulling the strings. I woke up confused and not wanting to go back to sleep.

Now I'm trying to decide what to do this Easter Eve. Some friends are going low key and chilling at home with some deep conversation, no doubt. And some are downtown seeing shows. I'm so sleepy I just want to crawl under the covers, but after my experience this afternoon, I'm afraid of what I'll find. So I guess I'll just wait for the phone to ring and hope for the best. Literally.

Be safe.

She was a vision the perfect dimension of
What you thought true love would be
She looked so good, you were under her hood
While your girlfriend was smiling at me...

Big D rolls into town this afternoon and is meeting up with us tonight at the show. Good times were had by all last night. Well, for the most part. One party passed out on the couch after too much Nyquil and one party passed out on the floor after too much vodka. The rest of us, well, three of us, stayed up and jammed. Well, I listened. But same thing.

On the way over last night I saw something that struck me as kind of surreal. It was a used car dealership sign that had the whole "This is my body that has been broken for you..." passage scrolling across the marquee in huge, bold, red neon letters. It just reminded me of the beginning of Baz Luhrmann's Romeo+Juliet for some reason. Harsh, dirty reality meets philosophical idealism. And I just thought, "I wonder if this is how he envisioned it... the news of his death scrolling across the sales marquee of a used car dealership."

Anyway, just something to think about on this Good Friday.

So

Eat something good for lunch. You're gonna need it.

It's 2 a.m. on Friday morning. I'm not drunk and I'm not tired. This has happened quite frequently lately. Something's going on.

Gots lots of things kickin around the ol' noggin, I suppose. Lots of things I wanna say but won't say here. Lots of secrets I wanna share with somebody. And I will. Some things I wanna get over and some things I wanna jump start. And they're well on their way.

Predictable. Sometimes things are really super easy to pin down. Like play by play before it happens. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. But whatever. It is. And I knew it would happen this way. But I guess there's always something inside me that makes me think I can make it end differently. I really should go with my better judgment more. God gave it to me for a reason. I guess I'm just a girl that's not drawn to the sensible things. Must work on this.

There's a girl on the northside who's really sad tonight. Her team lost. I guess there's always next year.

There's another girl on the northside who's really curious about what's around this corner. Well, at least she knows he's cute. And that's good enough for now. We'll deal with the rest later.

My friends are falling in love. All of them. Ah, spring fever. Mine comes in the fall. I'm crossing my fingers.

I guess introspection seems to be in the air today. Or maybe it's just a way of life for some of us. But more than likely it's the cold meds. I've been thinking about my defining moments lately. And here are a couple that stand out. No one will probably understand them but me, but it goes to show that even one word or one phrase spoken from the right person at the right time can change a person's life.

Moment #1: After months of not speaking to my mom, and after years of a very strained relationship, at a very very very desperate moment in my life and when she was least expecting it (I was supposed to be in another state, six hours away) from behind her I said, "Mom?" And without seeing my face or turning around, just hearing my voice say one word, she said my name. She recognized my voice. We could make this work.

Moment #2: Laying on a couch in a double-wide somewhere in the middle of Arkansas, at my very worst physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and convinced I was completely unlovable, someone held my face and said, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen." My life is better for having known him.

Moment #3: Sitting in the office of a pastor and spilling my deepest darkest... totally expecting the worst. He said, "Why didn't you call me? I would have waited with you. And I would have driven you home." That was the moment I understood what unconditional love meant.

Moment #4: "Critical writing is creative writing." This one statement is the reason I graduated from college with honors. This was after I'd literally flunked out of three schools and been totally convinced I could not and would not ever again write one more word for anyone else to read because I was incompetent and incapable.

I've had some pretty incredible people in my life. And I hope there will be more. I'll always try to leave the door open.

And for you poor, uncultured unfortunates who have never heard of Larry the Cucumber or Bob the Tomato, I give you:

The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything

I Love My Lips

and

The Hairbrush Song

Consider yourself educated. :)

I'm fine I feel great.

Having a little tuna, cheese, & crackers for lunch. :) Pretty tasty.

I'm feeling pretty healthy today. A little sore from the workout yesterday. Not in pain really, but just tight enough to know we got something done. Kerry and I bought year memberships at a gym as it seems that lately we've been sitting on our you-know-whats all day just getting fatter and fatter. So now we're going 3 times a week and it's heaven. Cardio, free weights for the arms and millions of crunches then... hot tub. Money well spent, for sure. I'll be in tip top shape in no time.

So I went maybe just a tad overboard last night on accident. Honestly, the minute I walked into the dog I wanted to turn right back around and go home. Just got tired all of a sudden. But I stayed. And I drank. But for what it's worth, LiT has some cool Celtic art on the walls now. They got rid of those god awful light fixtures and replaced them with something much better.

Anyway, I don't know what the plan is tonight. I've got class til 8:30, then we'll see. May stay in and watch the game solo. May be sociable and watch it somewhere else. May camp out at Maroline's and watch her wax. Sounds fun, right?

Oh yeah. And Dani's coming home tonight. I'm completely stoked about that. :)

I'm all conflicted today. My brain is telling me to straighten things out and the rest of me is really enjoying being mixed up. Go figure.

I'm out.

Time waster from JRock.

1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? Daisy Girl.

2. WHAT COLOR ARE YOU WEARING? Black, Chartreuse, Turquoise

3. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Kerry's All Time Favorite Ultimate CD Vol. 1

4. WHAT'S THE LAST THING YOU ATE? 3 meat ravioli, Olive Garden

5. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? Figured out that didn't work a long time ago.

6. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU Be? Cornflower Blue

7. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW? Cool and sunny

8. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? The catering manager at the OKC Marriott

9. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT YOU THIS? Absolutely.

10. HOW OLD ARE YOU TODAY? 25

11. FAVORITE DRINK? crown & coke

12. FAVORITE SPORT(s)? anything college, football, basketball

13. HAIR COLOR? auburn

14. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Si.

15. SIBLINGS? yes. 1 sister.

16. FAVORITE MONTH? October

17. FAVORITE FOOD? Chinese, Italian

18. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Rules of Attraction but that probably doesn't count because it was my 114th time to see it. So, The Notebook.

19. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? My birthday, I guess.

20. WHAT DO YOU DO TO VENT ANGER? Write. Or call someone who doesn't mind getting an earfull.

21. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? Rainbow Brite, Strawberry Shortcake

22. SUMMER OR WINTER? Winter

23. HUGS OR KISSES? Both. And frequently, please.

24. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? Chocolate

25. DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO WRITE/ E-MAIL? Well, if you've ever seen how full my mailbox is of junk mail, emailing is your best bet.

26. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Well I'm hoping you've all got more of a life than me.

27. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Like I said.

28. WHERE DO YOU LIVE? The nether regions of the underworld.

29. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Last night. Self-high five!

30. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED? *winks*

31. WHO IS THE FRIEND YOU HAVE HAD THE LONGEST? Whitney, Caroline, Dana, & Jackie

32. WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT? worked out, had dinner with Maroline, watched my 2 rock star boyfriends play for Meth Chick and weed.

33. FAVORITE SMELLS? cute boys.

34. WHAT INSPIRES YOU? good writers, teenage mothers

35. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? that noise the dead japanese kid makes in The Grudge.

36. PLAIN, BUTTERED OR SALTED POPCORN? buttered AND salted

37. FAVORITE CAR? 64 1/2 Mustang Convertible

38. FAVORITE FLOWER? Duh.

39. NUMBER OF KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING? 3

40. FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK? Friday

41. WHAT DID YOU DO ON YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY? Dinner with parents. And I'm sure there was alcohol involved in some way shape or form but I can't remember.

42. HOW MANY STATES HAVE YOU LIVED IN? 4

43. HOW MANY CITIES HAVE YOU LIVED IN? 4: Rogers, Ft. Worth, OKC, Nashville.

44. HOW MANY CARS HAVE YOU HAD & WHAT WAS THE FIRST CAR THAT YOU HAD? 4. First was a 1996 Mustang. Green.

45. HOW MANY PETS AND THEIR NAMES/ages: 3, two lab/dalmations, Daphne & Jake, and everybody knows my baby kitty, Tucker. Growing up I had 4 dogs, Banjo, Champ, Nikki, & Auggie, and 3 cats, Mama Kitty, Bruno, & Socks.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Rogers, Arkansas

47. FAVORITE DESERT? Brownie with chocolate chips topped with Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla and chocolate syrup.

48. FAVORITE GIFT TO RECEIVE? Any gift from anyone not immediately related to me tends to impress me.

49. DO YOU COLLECT ANYTHING? No,but I'm amassing quite a collection of empty liquor bottles.

And that is all.

It's just a jump to the left
And then a step to the right.
With your hands on your hips
You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insane.
Let's do the Time Warp again!

What a day.

I just got back from a quick trip to Tulsa to consort with some of my associates up north and see what they had going on to see if I could get any ideas for all the things that are changing in the office.

For some reason I had them built up in my mind to be the god of all non profits and was sure I'd come back with butt loads of ideas and information. I came back with the distinct sense that I have a quality that seems to be very rare in this line of work: vision. Most of the people I've come in contact with are so timid and are limiting themselves when they have all the resources to be truly great right at their fingertips. So I did come back motivated and glad to be at the helm.

Anyway, what is with this yucky weather. Yesterday was so nice. And today is just blech. So Kerry and I are officially getting off our posterior ends and starting our workout regimen today. And tanning and yoga probably. In no time we'll be so hot you'll wish you'd have jumped on it sooner.

Oh wait. You did.

*smiles*

I have had the most wonderful day today. It just kept getting better as the day progressed.

First off, I got to spend some much needed quality time with someone I hadn't previously had the chance to really hang out with for more than a few minutes in about a year. That felt really good.

Then I went to school tonight and on my walk to class, I got to feel the first green rain of the season. I love it. LOVE it. The first rain of spring. Little droplets of warm rain sparkling in the sunshine to a back drop of deep, dark blue sky. Every thing on the planet seems like a brighter shade of itself. The grass looks like someone at the crayola plant spilled the world's biggest vat of green marker ink all over the lawn. And every pink bud on the Red Bud trees stands out individually. Like you could almost count them if you had time to count to ten thousand, four hundred sixty-two without being late for class. And then, over the OU Physical Science Center, which has to be the most god awful, ugliest building ever, was a complete rainbow. One huge translucent arch, reminding us that God will never flood the earth again, just Thailand and Indonesia.

Then class let out 2 hours early. I wasn't in the mood to go home yet, so I drove up May to see what kind of sustenance was available. What? It's .99 Margarita Monday at Monterey Jack's? Did someone say fiesta?!? So I got a chimichanga and what tasted like 2 frosty glasses of margarita mix. Then I stood up to leave and the earth moved. All for 9 bucks. Yes, we're going to have to start making .99 Margarita Mondays a tradition.

And now I'm home and if I had a beautifully landscaped backyard and a hammock, I'd put on a sweatshirt and socks and I'd fall asleep in it tonight after a glass of wine while listening to Jamie Cullum. Life doesn't get any better. It just doesn't.

Instead I'm going to put in one of my favorite movies of all times, Rules of Attraction, and quote every line along with the movie. It's fun for the whole family. And it could be worse, I could be doing the choreography to Moulin Rouge. But I gotta save something for tomorrow.

It's toe-tag time in Teenville tonight. Again.

Don't mind me. The cabinet stain is going straight to my brain. And I'm walking around with one drenched pant leg trying like mad to get out what I so carelessly sloshed all over myself in the process.

Raise your hand if you want to drop out of grad school, move to California, become a hippie, and live off the land! Oh oh OH! Me ME ME!! Honestly folks, I've no idea how I'm going to even make it another year. I'm just all schooled out. I want to have my nights to just sit at home or not sit at home and do whatever I want. I thought limiting myself to just one more year in Oklahoma instead of two would help things. And while it does seem a bit more attainable, I'm still getting very fidgety.

Man I got nothin' else to say really, except

I no longer know who I am. I feel like the ghost of a total stranger.

Random delirious sunday ramblings...

Well, I've spent this glorious day sleeping, watching that incredible OSU game, and watching porn. And now I'm listening to it from down the hall in the bedroom. Leaves more to the imagination, you know. Anyway, I've had it with all this sickness all over the world. Everyone and their mother's uncles are ill in some way shape or form. I'm still fighting to keep both lungs in my body. But I've had a sudden burst of energy for the moment. Probably the porn.



Anyway, can someone please tell me who started this knitting craze? I think it's odd. Very odd. Who was the important person who did it and suddenly made it cool? Anyway, it's spring now so you can all put up your yarn and what not because there will be no need for wool hats and scarves until next November or so. Unless of course you're knitting pot holders, then knit away.



So Caroline, Kevin and I spent a very uneventful evening in the emphysema colony watching U2 get inducted to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame last night. That was infinitely cool. Just listening to them talk leaves me in awe. Some people just make this planet a better place, you know? Let's all be those people.



I'm contemplating starting The Zone diet. And I am not one for diets at all. For the most part I think they're crap. You need to just lay off the McD's and get off your butt and you'll do better. But just reading their menu makes me feel better. And it sounds like it's not so much about losing weight as it is about regulating your hormones and bringing harmony physically back into your body. And that intrigues me. Stocking the fridge is going to cost me a pretty penny but I think it will be worth it. Keeping the schedule is what's going to be sticky business for me. You have to eat 3 times a day at specific times and snack once b/w lunch and dinner and once before bed. I'm not a very regimented person and sometimes my schedule doesn't allow for much structure, but I should at least give it the ol college try, right? We'll see.

Anyway, this week's gonna be a big week culminating in one of the baddest assest shows I'll probably ever see. Bleu and Jack on the 25th. Wooo HOOOO!

Carry on.

Here's the moral of the story:

I'm never ever ever ever ever going in the water again.

Hello Saturday morning. How are you? You ever wonder why the a.m. starts when it's still dark outside and not at sunrise? And what does a.m. stand for anyways? And who cares?

I think the Zinc and Vit C are working. I took it 3 times today and normally I should be feeling miserable at 12:27 a.m., but I actually feel pretty good, besides the occasional sniffle. I ordered a horrible pay per view movie tonight and watched a total of eight minutes of it. It was lots of Neve Campbell naked. Which is cool and all I guess, but she's just like Meg Ryan... pretty them up all you want, put them in the cutest dresses and the highest heels and they still have the combined grace of an elephant. Although, I gotta say the first love scene I ever saw that made me tingle was with Neve Campbell, Denise Richards, and Matt Dillon in Wild Things. So props to Neve for her participation. Anyway, I'm feeling in a particularly bitchy mood this evening/morning. I'm not sure why except a few random series of events have culminated in some frustration for me. And I haven't vented any of it anywhere. Well, sort of. Sometimes don't you just want to get in someone's face and tell them to quit whining and suck it up and/or F off? I do. But I'd never say it. I have this thing about wanting everybody to be happy all the time. Don't want anybody to be upset.

I've begun to notice something lately though... I tend to let others/certain situations affect how I feel about myself. And that, my friends, is complete and total bullshit. I'll be the first one to tell any one of you that in a given situation, if someone is making you feel bad, it's probably more about them than it is you. But when it comes to my own life, I just freak out sometimes. And I'm tired of it. And it's interesting how the people around you can influence your life... or at least the way you see your life. This is why I dig Sweet Caroline so infinitely much. Sometimes it's freaky how alike we are. We drive the same cars and have the same pictures hanging on our walls. We have the same sordid stories to tell about life and love. But she does have one thing I don't have: the noive. If I just had an ounce of her courage. She is the total, honest to God, walking, talking truth 100% of the time. She's totally honest and she doesn't fabricate her thoughts to serve the interests of those around her. God bless her. She's always been a bit of a free spirit... one of my fondest memories of her is hearing my first cuss word live and in person. I was fifteen and on a church mission trip, coincidentally having a knock down drag out argument with my 2 BFF's over a boy that all of us liked, when Caroline storms into the hotel room and in front of God and everybody screams, "It's none of his Goddamn business!" And the rest is history.

And I want to learn to be like that. I don't want every little thing someone says about me or the way I think they perceive me to have such a profound effect on the way I view myself. There's a huge part of me that I think is bulletproof. And that causes problems as well. But the other sliver of me is quite impressionable and vulnerable. And I'm tired of that.

Ok, so I'm sorry I've spent this whole blog working out my issues. But that's what it's for if you ask me. Starting Monday morning some things are going to be changing in my life. And I need to be diligent enough to make them permanent changes. The wind is blowing in that direction. And yesterday I decided I'm outta here next spring. So let's get the good times in while we can.

Friday night blog

So the movie fest continues. Today it was Friday Night Lights, The Human Stain, and Wicker Park. All three were good flicks. Friday night lights took me right back to my senior year, standing outside a field house in Chickasha and watching my linebacker boyfriend walk out in tears after losing the state championship game. It seems so stupid, it's just football, but when you're in the moment and when you've invested so much into that one game, it can tear you up pretty easily. My favorite part of the whole thing was the special feature about the real guys in the story. Interesting stuff.

The Human Stain was good. I'd heard good and bad about it. But I thought it was infinitely interesting and thought provoking. And strangely enough, Anthony Hopkins having sex with Nicole Kidman didn't weird me out. It was very sweet.

Wicker Park was very Single White Female-ish. Kind of hard to piece together so you have to really pay attention. Kind of like The Game. But it all comes together in the end. And it doesn't hurt that Josh Hartnett is hot.

That's all for now.

It is so freakin' beautiful outside today! I've been laying on the couch with the front door opened all day. I'm buying a grill this summer. We're cooking out in the back yard.

I'm hungry.

Sick. Again.

I'm beginning to wonder if I've done something colossally wrong in my life and some higher being is punishing me. It's been one month and one week. This thing just won't go away. I told this to my mom today and she said, Well you used to do this every year around this time. Uhh, no I didn't. Yes you did. Don't you remember those years you got Bronchitis really bad for like a month? Yes, but that was three years in a row in junior high. And then I got to thinking, it happened again exactly five years ago. That was horrible. I was nineteen and estranged from my parents, drowning in debt and a horrible relationship, sitting up nights hacking my lungs out, praying for death. And here we are again. Not even the antibiotics phased it. And if the 151 didn't burn it out of my body, nothing will. So I'm permanently homebound for at least the next two days. There will be no alcohol. No cigarettes. Just Nyquil, sleep, movies, and probably some take out. If you're calling me to come out, I can't hear you. I love you, but I'm not listening. And hopefully, I'll be back in fighting form in no time. Cross your fingers.

It's so cool to see what happens in life when you throw your hands up and say to hell with the plan and just ride the wave you were given...

Yeah, you may end up walking the streets of Detroit being held at knife point and reciting The Lord's Prayer, but you know what? You'll have one kick ass story. And you'll be better for it.

I see you shivering with antici...

......................................... pation.

Yeah, so apparently Billy Hopeless from the Black Halos was the dude I hit it off with at the bar tonight. (And I didn't really realize he was any more than "Billy" til just now...)

F'in top notch. From Canada, eh. He walks in all spikes and British leopard print velvet pants and Like I want some Jack and Coke. So I ask him where he's from and ask him what band he's with because he's obviously playing next door... and turns out he actually made out with Ronnie Bennet from the Ronette's but he wouldn't go any further because he's a good boy and she said he reminded her of dudes from the Ramones and the Sex Pistols and all of his idols and what not. And he told me about the 2nd Gate to Hell, which apparently is located in Lawrence, Kansas. And he tried to tell me how Kansas was a visitable state and not a place I could never live simply because William S. Burroughs wrote there. And Ok, I'm sold. All I know is he used to play Knicky and the Sweet Transilvanian Transvestite in stage productions of Grease and The Rocky Horror Picture Show. So when he walked into the bar I said to Caroline, I wanna date at least one boy like that in my lifetime. So I went for it. And he told me stories about talking to Joan Jett and playing the Warped Tour. Then he told me he was married but by this point he was all rock star-ish in my eyes so I was just like, man can you put us on the list? And then something happened and we left to go to Edmond to see the Bastards, who I thought were just going to be Chad Dorman but I was mistaken. And then I missed Billy, my new Canadian friend, but it was time to go home. And the bars were closing and no doubt my friends, the Black Halos, were on their way to SXSW where they're playing tomorrow night at Emo's. And I start remembering the conversation that went something like... *Billy's personal tragic story about living every day like it's your last* *reciprocal personal tragic story about the same* "Look Ashly, you only get one chance at tomorrow. You have nothing to do. Come to Austin.

*winks* Baby, that ship has sailed.

Dammit! And next year Maroline and I are going on our own, after our cruise to the Caribbean at Xmas, and our NYC trip and our vacation in Cozumel.

Anyway, I'm still on a mission to find a black haired, spike wearing, rock n roll, lead singer of a candian punk band boyfriend. So if any of you know anybody, please lemme know.

Rock n fookin' roll, eh.

Saw was great. But the acting was terrible. I much prefer Cary Elwes saving Princess Buttercup from the Rodents of Unusual Size in the fireswamp. But great storyline. Seven got the ball rolling and this one finished the job. Two thumbs...err...or toes... up.

Well boys and girls, I've decided I'm going to take the next two days off in honor of spring break. Nothing much is happening at the office because everybody's out of town and I don't think people are thinking much about taking pregnancy tests on spring break. Now, about 3 weeks from now will be a different story. I may return some phone calls from home, but that's about it.

I've got to finish off my Barefoot Movie Fest today with Saw. I'm excited about this one. I'll let you know how it goes.

Something weird is in the air lately. And it has mostly to do with boys. Mom called me yesterday and I listened for an hour and a half while she gave reason after reason why maybe she shouldn't be getting married. And then talked herself back into it. Who knows. There are other things happening that I won't divulge to the world at large, but corners are definitely being turned.

Anyway, you know what everyone in the world should be so lucky to have? This:

Ummm ok. So things got a little out of hand at Chateau de Mosley. Luckily, my socks were spared. But they were about the only thing. God bless school nights and God bless kindred spirits. :)

Why do I do this?

I got up at 3 a.m. to turn the heat down. And when I'm half asleep I obviously have no idea what I'm really doing. It's like 62 degrees in this house or something.

Had horrible nightmares... to be expected I guess. Think Carrie White minus the telekinesis and pig's blood. Mockery and betrayal. And then in the next one my fourth grade teacher's class got murdered. Yeah that was a fun one.

Again, why do I do this to myself??

We Don't Live Here Anymore

After about the first 30 minutes I thought this movie was going to suck. It's based on a book. And unless an adapted screenplay is done really well, it's hard for me to get into movies based on books. The books are usually about 100 times better. The movies come out very surface and choppy. But luckily after the first quarter of the movie, it got a little better. It was a tad hard to watch, just because it was 2 solid hours of real life BS. Two couples extremely unhappy, cheating on each other with each other. The movie was filled with awkward moments, all parties in the room just looking at each other but no one saying out loud what every one of them knows. And there was much booty to be had in that short two hours... I was just thinking, Man, these girls must keep their legs shaved constantly. Anyway, it was ok, but it was no Dinner with Friends (Andie McDowell, Dennis Quaid, Greg Kinear)... which I highly recommend if you like real life relationship dramas. Peter Krause is hot, but he's just a dick in this movie. So I'll give it half a thumbs up.

The Grudge

I'm an hour and fifteen minutes into it. I'm gonna watch the rest tomorrow. Ok, no more freaky dead little Japanese kids for me, thanks. Normally these kinds of make you jump out of your seat movies don't do a thing for me, but ummmmm I'm gonna take a rain check on this one... at least until I get my wits about me again. If I watched SAW tonight after this one, I'd end up in one of your beds at 2 a.m. begging for protection for sure. May stick in Fight Club and let Tyler Durden mellow me out before bed. :) We shall see.

And so begins the Daisy Girl Spring Break Barefoot Movie Fest. This means I'm going to camp out on the floor in my homemade fort in the living room and preview some potentially really good flicks.

So far I've got:

We Don't Live Here Anymore (with Peter Kraus and Naomi Watts) which promises to be sultry, sexy, and dramatic.

Saw
which I have to see, just to form my own opinion.

The Grudge
I heard this will scare the heebeejeebee's outta me. That's pretty hard to do, so we'll see.

and

Fight Club
I'm just in a fight club kinda mood.

I wanted to get Willy Wonka but they didn't have it in DVD. Just VHS. I need to get online and buy that one.

Anyway, I'm sure a couple of DG Specials (reallllly good chocolate milk) will find their way into the Barefoot Movie Fest...

so, on with the show!

I didn't even know there was anAmerican Association of Single People. And what is "ever-single"? This strikes me as some sort of strange phenomenon, but this is a decent article about The High Cost of Being Single in America. I almost didn't get the lease on my house because I'm a "single girl," so I guess I can identify.

Ahhh Spring Break- a whole week to take a deep breath and just chill out. I'm so looking forward to this. All the staff and volunteers at work are out for the week, so it's just me gettin' stuff done all by my lonesome. Score. So I'm sitting here with my coffee and my bagel piecing together the parts of the weekend that still seem a little scrambled to me.

I guess for the sake of time we'll start with Saturday, 4 p.m. I'm talking to Jeff, who consequently has been drinking already for the better part of the afternoon, and he asks me to go to Belle Isle. No can do. Caroline is coming over at 5:30 to go to dinner, then the RCPM show. BUT you can come over and hang out while I'm getting ready and go do dinner w/ us if you want. Sweet. So I get out of the shower and commence to dry my hair. Fifteen minutes later, still no signs of Mr. Franklin. This worries me. I look out the window and I see a pair of conspicuous looking feet sticking out of the partially built/and rotting tree house in the back yard. That thing is so dilapidated it's amazing he didn't break a major bone climbing up into it. So after some conversation, we've decided he's going to do a semi-restorative job on the thing and we're going to have great tree climbing parties in the back yard this summer. So after a trip to... ahem... Ziggy's... and the liquor store, Jeff got a gravely mysterious and urgent phone call and had to scamper off to "the 7-11 by the Red Dog."

Then, of course, Maroline and I hit the city streets in search of roughage and libation. We ended up at Bourbon Street. Great food. Good times. Then we walked down to the WD where we were the first people in the place at 7:30 p.m. Luckily some very horny/drunk older men came in shortly and kept us entertained til the rest of the crew showed about an hour and a half later. All I remember the rest of the show is being packed shoulder to shoulder at the front of the stage, being drunk as FFFffff... and saying, Ok, I'm done, no more. Then Ryin hands me a shot of tequila. Then we jump up and down and scream some more, then a bottle of Mekong whiskey mysteriously ends up in my hands, so we pass it around. More jumping and screaming. The lights come on and it's time to move the party elsewhere. So we did. It was off to Chad and Beth's where we split off into 2 groups: the pot heads/guitar players in the garage, and the VH1 Classic, Pocket Pussy junkies in the living room. I'm happy to say, I spent some time in both places. :) Then Ragan started to pass out in the floor and started snoring, so I used some of my trusty dusty ninja moves on him... to no avail though. Then the lights went out and I guess everyone decided it was sleepy time. Hmmm. I think we're getting old. I found an empty bedroom at the back of the house and started to settle in when I was... ahem... kicked out... by a certain two individuals who will remain nameless for the moment. About 5:30 a.m. Ryin so graciously dropped me off at la hacienda where I slept until I was awoken at 1:30 p.m. by the sounds of voices singing outside my bedroom window. Strange.

I opened the door quizzically to see what the ruckus was and Jeff bursts in and says, Let's get brunch! So Jeff and The Legendary John Osborne and I went to Ray's Cafe where we got our grub on, were tormented by a very loquacious 8 year old girl who informed us her name was not Dude or Dudette, and that the entire cast of Barney is, in fact, completely gay, and watched Ray and his opponent play a game of chess... while Jeff and The Legend offered their commentary on the whole thing. Then it was back to la hacienda where I passed out once again until 6:30 p.m. when I decided to take in a flick for the evening.

The Jacket.

Wow. They should have promoted this one more. I might be the world's biggest Adrien Brody fan, so it was a no brainer for me. I knew it was going to be good. And by the way, the website makes it look like a horror flick, but it's not. It's more of a suspense/drama. And it's got a great love story built into the middle of it... the kind that at the end makes you smile and just let out the breath you've been holding in for the entire 2 hours. It was well worth the $5.50 I paid for it. Two thumbs up.

And now it's back to work for the week. Onward through the fog. And still mulling over all the strange and interesting things I learned about some of my friends this weekend...

Love you all!

Hi, how are you? Would you like some bacon?

What a crazy 48 this has been. I'll recount it all later after my ears have quit ringing and after I've had more than 4 hours of sleep. I'll tell you all about how I woke up this afternoon to 2 hooligans holding beers and singing sailing songs outside my door.

But right now, I'm gonna pass out. Again.

Just finished burning Mr. Franklin a copy of The Frames. Will be in your mailbox when you get home dear. And Ryin, you'll have your CD back tomorrow night. Thanks.

You know sometimes I wanna rip out your throat.

I've been listening to old school Jewel today. I found it at the office. I got this CD when I was 16. I remember it like it was yesterday. One of the first CD's I listened to in my brand new Mustang on the way to school. :) Some of these songs, she sounds like a six year old. Then she lets one out like the aforementioned phrase and it's like wow. How diverse. Innocent child to murderess all in ten minutes. But I guess that's one of the perks of being a woman.

Speaking of, Caroline and I went and saw Diary of a Mad Black Woman last Sunday. HILARIOUS. I was thinking towards the beginning of the movie, no F-off, lover's revenge scene will ever top Angela Bassett in Waiting to Exhale, piling all of her husband's clothes in his brand new Benz, pulling it out in the driveway, lighting up, taking one drag off her cigarette and flicking it into the sunroof to watch it all go up in flames. But I can for sure say, that moment has been topped. I know we've all had those moments when somebody royally screwed us over and we would have given anything to see them hurt even for just one minute like they hurt us. Go watch Diary of a Mad Black Woman. Good God. She gets it done. But it all ends up ok. Happy times.

And the dream saga continues. I dreamed last night that Tucker was a little white dog and Dani killed him on purpose. I told her I was going to sneak into her room at night and smother her with a pillow while she was sleeping. Then I was on a cruise ship with a bunch of people from my high school playing mediator for Summer and Jo who were in a screaming fight on the phone over the way things "looked" with Jo and her boyfriend. I haven't even seen those people in 8 years. My head is so freakin screwed up right now.

And the flights have been booked for West Coast Adventure Part Deux. May 16-21 baby. Back at it again. This time I've got a partner in crime. This summer is gonna rule.

I'm so sleepy tonight. I was starving all during class while we were playing our child therapy board games...

Juan eats a bag of chips after school. While walking home he throws the empty bag in someone's front yard. What could happen?

Someone should tell Juan that in America we don't dump our trash in our neighbor's yard.

Correct, move three spaces.

Anyway, I have to work in the morning. Bleh. Financial stuff.

It's bathtub and bed for me now. And no more dreams like last night. There will be no arguing, no fighting, and no weirdness. And no kissing and no flirting. Just sleep. Total blackness please, just once.

I hit the BlogThis! button no less than ten times until it finally loaded. This is par for the course for my day. I think last night is bleeding into my daytime.

When I pulled into the parking lot this morning, clients were waiting on me. And I don't want to go into a big rant about consideration and etiquette, but my generation and especially the one after ours has no concept of calling ahead, making appointments, or canceling when they know they won't be able to make it. We want it all and we want it now. And we don't care what you have to drop to give us your undivided attention.

Anyway, then my OCD helper came in I tried to pay the bills and do paperwork stuff while answering a thousand questions, unjamming the copier and a whole host of other annoying nagging things. Then Kerry came in and got in a fight with her bf on the phone. We're getting outta this building this afternoon to get some air, some iced coffee, and to shop for new curtains.

I've gottalotta crazy things going on in my head concerning a few different people. And I'm not going to divulge. Suffice it to say interesting things are happening and I'm learning new things every day. And I'm trying to accept the changes gracefully. Even if they're not the ones I want. And I'm proud of myself for making a few very small, minute, good decisions lately that I wouldn't have made a year ago. I'm growing up. :)

Good times. :)

--------------------------------

Nothin' like a little black spray paint high. It's all in my nose. I hate that. But I feel gooood. :O) Kerry came out back for moral support and to take pictures of herself wearing my glasses. Thanks to a little can of appliance paint we have a new shiny black exam table.



Yay elbow grease!



Looks like my two night rule never even had a chance. Guess we're hitting the WD tonight. Maybe I'll stay in tomorrow.

Right.

stupid dreams.

stupid boys.

I woke up this morning with a nervous stomach and giddy as a jr. high girl.

Gettin' down and dirty today. Moving furniture, hanging pictures, and doing a little restorative painting.

Happy hump day.

Adam Hood, Classic's, Tuesday, April 26th. The March date got canceled.

Anyway, I'm going.

And can someone tell me what happened to the Motley Crue after party and who is Jarrod Birmingham?

Here I am! Bet you were worried, huh.

We've been out all day shopping for new cabinets, countertops, and new decor for the new exam rooms. No more 1984 peach and baby blue. Good riddance! Hello Mathis Brother's As Is $75 black and beige suede dining chairs for $28.

Out of all the changes we're making in this organization, of course redecorating is the one I'm most excited about. Can't help it. It might be genetic.

Taking pops out to dinner a la noche for his 49th birthday that was yesterday.

I WILL NOT GO SEE CHAD AT TEDDY'S TONIGHT. I WILL NOT GO SEE CHAD AT TEDDY'S TONIGHT. I WILL NOT GO SEE CHAD AT TEDDY'S TONIGHT. I WILL NOT GO SEE CHAD AT TEDDY'S TONIGHT.

I told myself I'm limiting it to 2 nights a week from now on. But what do you do when it's friends?? And maybe I'm not going out Friday because of my Sat 8 a.m. board meeting. But praise the Lord and glory hallelujah, I had a speaking engagement Sunday morning that has been CANCELED. WOOOO HOOOO!

--------------------------------------------------

And on another note...

Maroline, I'm pretty sure if we wore these next time we went out, we could get some major research done for our book. Just a thought. ;)

Piece.

Can't take Mr. Hood out of the CD player. My faves are Big Mistake, Last Man Standing, and Dead and Gone. He reminds me alot of Stoney on that last one. Doesn't sound the same vocally, but has the same really raw, soulful quality. Man, I love good new music.

Sometimes I let my mind wander too much. Gets me in trouble. Like the fact that I noticed today that a very memorable fling from ummm....lemme count... I was seventeen going on eighteen and then some...so that would be 8 years ago... now has my new email information thanks to a cliche forward sent out by a mutual friend. Weird to see that name on the page. I wonder if he thought the same thing. Probably.

Anyway, I gotta hit the hay. Got a busy day of shopping and birthday dinners tomorrow. :) Happy Tuesday all.

I've been writing alot lately. It seems like I've got alot of stuff crowding the corridors of my think trap. We had alot of great conversation this weekend. Lots of talk about why we experience things and what purpose those things serve in the bigger picture. Although we didn't come to any particular conclusions. Just that being in the moment is the best you can do. Ride the wave. See what happens.

I'm a firm believer in just chilling out and seeing what happens. We only get one time around, might as well make it interesting. I do alot of observation too. Observation and introspection. And I've been thinking about my feelings alot lately... how they are different at different points in my life and how they affect my experience of things... like that feeling of being in the same room as someone who totally and completely loves you. How safe and sturdy that is. How you feel like you could do absolutely anything and never fail. Confidence abounds and it feels comfortable. And good. And great. Then how you can be in a room with someone who reduces you to a bumbling idiot. None of the words come out right or even come out at all most times. And you keep doing stupid things and you feel like the biggest retard in the world. And finally you get to be in the comfort of your own little space, alone, and it feels good to not have to wonder what someone else is thinking about you. But at the same time, you still hope they're thinking about you, at least a little.

And how both of those feelings are good. And we all probably need a little of both of them in our lives.

And another thing I've been grappling with for some time is how make the transition from present experience to past experience. Sometimes you just want to make it last. You keep reliving it in your mind and keep wanting to bring it back in some way, shape, or form. But you can't. It's like a cycle. And there's a certain point where you can keep the memories close but you have to make room for the lessons you learned. And you have to let it be just that. Something that happened. Something that was incredible in your life. And push forward and try to find something different, but equally experiential. You know?

None of this makes sense, I know. I'm being vague and shady because I'm too guarded to be honest. This is my life. But I'm working on it.

I'd love to hear her story,
but I know it's one I've heard a thousand times.
She walks in and she knows me,
if I'm the last man standing,
she'll be waiting at closing time.
I'll always keep my distance,
let the streets of fate unwind.
I close the night and my guitar case,
while she smiles over her shoulder
and walks out the door
at closing time.

Highlights from the weekend:

1) Jennifer's prescription cough syrup.

2) Our boy, Sullivan, who gave us free shot glasses.

3) Captain, Crown, and Pabst.

4) The "moment of truth" on the train tracks.

5) BBQ meatballs. Mmmmmm.

6) Uncle Stoney's candy.

7) Mastering the art of giving myself a black eye by smashing my face on the edge of a chair at 4 a.m. half asleep and half drunk, trying to pick up the empty Rumple bottle I mistakenly knocked off the desk onto the floor while stumbling back from the bathroom in the dark. And Caroline sleeping through the whole damn thing.

8) Caroline giggling like a school girl in her sleep.

9) The miles and miles of secrets that were spilled and schemes that were hatched and stories that were very descriptively retold.

10) And last but certainly not least: free smells and serious delivery.

All in all, it was a good weekend. So what I didn't start feeling even remotely healthy until the day we came back. Such is life. Drinks were drunk, parking lots were loitered in, and smells were smelled. Caroline got introduced to the music of Roger Clyne and told him she wanted to have his babies all in the same night. That's my girl. Dates were ditched and sent crying back to their hotels, I won the title of "bravest girl" from all the boys in the bathroom, and Ragan found his bitches. We came, we saw, we went running drunk down the aisles of your walmart. Take that Fayetteville.

And now it's rip roaring back to work and gearing up for the reunion Saturday night. Have a fabulous Monday, dears.

Nothin but blue skies. I'm breakin out the flip flops.

I woke up miserable at 7:20 this morning wishing I would have taken that 8:15 appointment my Dr's receptionist tried to give me yesterday. Do you have anything closer to 10? I somehow thought my need to sleep in would be greater than my need to keep both lungs inside my body.

Either way, by noon I had a fistfull of pills armed and ready for the weekend ahead. The Dr said not to take one of the prescriptions "too close to bed... it might make you kind of hyper." Wonderful. Like I'm gonna need help in the not sleeping department! And Caroline and I will have 3 whole hours on the drive down tonight to make eachother laugh so hard one of us pees in our pants. It'll happen at least once, I'm putting my money on it.

Good times, good times.

So Maroline and I are talking...

Looks like we might be leaving 5ish, maybe a bit earlier.

Still up in the air on the Boland show. She doesn't have a preference and neither do I. Would somebody please make a decision! Maybe if I still feel like sh#% tomorrow we'll take it easy then pack all the fun and debauchery in on Saturday.

I guess we're all just "playing it by ear," tempting fate, come what may, so to speak. I've got an appointment to get drugs in the morning. Anybody want some while I'm out?

Came in for a few to make the deposit, return some phone calls, and pay some bills.

I've got some really gross bodily things going on :) Everything coming out of my head is a nice greenish shade of yellow. Isn't that lovely? Although, I am feeling just slightly better today than yesterday. I'm thinking tomorrow, at least by 5 p.m., I'll be feeling in tip top shape. And if I'm not, I'll at least try to fake it.

I finished hanging some things in my bedroom last night. It's been 6 months, it's about time I do something to make my room feel a little more like home. And in case you don't know... most old houses were built with plaster walls. And if you've never tried to nail or drill anything into a plaster wall... don't. You'd be better off just duct taping whatever it is to the wall. I knocked about a good quarter size around and inch thick chunk outta the wall trying to hang a shelf last night. Whoops. Oh well, I covered it up so you can't see it. I'm not to be trusted with a cordless drill.

Ok, now I'm rambling. It's all the methamphetamines I mean antihistamines coursing through my veins.

MUST STAY IN TONIGHT. MUST.

It's such a pretty day outside and I feel so crappy. I've had the front door open all day, that kinda makes me feel better. If this weather keeps up, I'm going to have to buy a lawnmower about a month earlier than I had expected. I'm definitely getting spring fever. I'm trying to resist the urge to completely rip up all the shrubbery in front of my house and start all over again. I think a little color would do wonders for this place.

I'm pretty sure it'll happen. But I need to wait til May.

I wanna go out tonight dammit! The birthday celebrations are under way and I'm stuck here trying to breathe and keep both lungs in tact. But I guess it will be worth it if I'm better by the weekend, right? I'm going to keep telling myself that.

What a yucky day this is turning out to be.

I'm working from home today so as not to spread my sickness to the pregnant people...

Mom just called and our fifteen year old cat, Kitty, was hit by a car last night and killed. Dani was on the other line and all three of us were crying on the telephone. It brought back memories of my junior year in high school when dad sat us down at the dinner table to tell us all our dog, Champ, had been run over.

Mom buried her in the back yard.

I think I'm going to take some Nyquil and hide under the covers for the rest of the day.

Happy Birthday!!


Shout outs to Whitney and Ryin turning 26 and 27 this fine day!

Someone please call Cingular and tell them to get this! My Monday mornings would be sooo much easier!! But knowing me, after a few drinks I'd just start using the 333CLEAR function. Rain, snow, sleet, or hail, the drunk dial must get through.

It seems as though I coughed so much in the middle of the night last night that I've completely lost my voice. I have a client this morning. Guess he'll be doing most of the talking today...

I really wanna go see Chad play tonight...

But I'd really like to see Craig and Ragan mudwrestle. :)