It's nitty. It's gritty. It's not the norm. But it's good for me. And maybe it'll be good for someone else. It's long. It's not completely coherent. It's religious and may meander into the political. There. are. no. comments. (But feel free to comment here.) Start from the bottom (the beginning) and work your way up.

It's a writing project called One Girl's Revolution.

Random Thoughts on the Long Drive Home

Some people are so desperate for the whole world to know everything about them.

I used to think I was one of those people until I realized tonight that I know a whole lot of things about a whole lot of people, but only a very small handful of people know a whole lot about me. When did I become so secretive? I don't want to be secretive anymore. Ask me anything you want.

The first time I bought alcohol was at Hob Nob Rob's on Main street in Norman.

A whole lot of other first times happened in Norman:
First (and only) fist fight
First time to get sick from drinking too much
First time I ever played pool
First time I ever made out at a lake
First time I ever raced my car
First time I ever smoked a cigarette
First time I ever cheated
First time I ever caught someone cheating
and on and on and on

So you can see my aversion to spending too much time in Norman.

Whatever happened to Keith Sweat?? hahahha.

There are not two more annoying people on the face of this planet than Lil John and that idiot who's always with him making that horrendous noise.

If this semester is any indication of things to come, grad school is gonna be a breeze. Everybody should do it.

Ready to move, ready to paint, ready to have the cutest house on the block (on the inside anyway).

My job is really getting to me at this point. I'm not someone who likes an organization (or my life, for that matter) to be standing still. It's hard for me to be patient, but I know sometimes it's necessary.

The moon tonight. Yikes!

Man I wish I had some rocky road here. Wait. No I don't. I looked at myself in a full length mirror tonight and realized I'd become a little round ball propped ontop of two very long legs. Yuck. Must work on that.

Won't somebody love me anyway???!!!!???!!! Geez.

My house is a wreck and I have no desire to clean it whatsoever. It's all just gonna go in boxes anyway in a couple of days. Why move the stuff twice?

Have a great Tuesday.

Email fixed. Cox fired. Officially.

I love love love love love Surpass. They may get a Christmas card this year.

Fabulous.

So I'm stalling...still. I don't know why. Lately I have been putting things off and waiting until the last possible minute to get them done. Call it a mild sense of foreboding or what have you, but things just seem to be outta whack in the universe. Like right now I should be writing a one page response to the Attachment Theory in couples counseling. But I'm thinking, a page??!! How do I write just one page over attachment and avoidant and anxious responses to it... And apparently he wants us to put some personal experience in the paper. Uh. No thank you. I just met you. No way am I going to scare you with screwed up relationship stories. What's funny is while I'm reading my text books, and they're giving different ways people react in relationships, all these names start popping into my head and I'm like, Hey! He does that! Or that sounds like her! But mostly it's me asking myself, "Do I do that?" Sometimes the answer is yes and sometimes the answer is no. And usually I'm a little more stereotypical than I like to think. So sad. Oh well. Such is the nature of my study.

I love it when my neurotic drama queen counseling clients call and say I'm getting married Saturday to a guy I met last week so I'm going to have to reschedule my appointment. They really need to be paying me more.

And on an unrelated note: why am I such a dork? Why do I get so excited when I read someone's reading list and it contains things like Daisy Miller by Henry James, anything by Edith Wharton or Tolstoy and the list goes on and on. Like I'm standing up in my living room (in my house completely alone, mind you) last night (and the Sunday night before that) saying RIGHT ON! When Mos quotes Audre Lorde and WCW at the beginning of Def Poetry. I'm doomed to be a nerd for life, I know.

Pretty funny.

I love monday mornings.

No. Really.

I get two hours all to myself to catch up on things with no screaming babies, no demanding clients and no questions from staff. It's so nice. Put in a little Matt Powell and start writing checks. The next two weeks are gonna be crazy. Woo hoo!!

So whaddayaknow... the VMA's had a Chihuly.

Pop culture meets art culture. Who knew?

Have a fabulous Monday... here in Crazyworld.

Dear Charlotte, I'm sorry.

Standing in the shower, I looked up and noticed a rather sizable spider (at least in my book) making its home in the corner of the ceiling. As usual, the terror set in rather quickly and I begin devising a plan for the dreadful arachnid to meet its watery demise. Then I looked again. It was stretching its long legs out and twirling them around in a strange motion. And then I realized it was spinning its web. I had never really seen a spider do that before. Well, at least not in person. It was quite fascinating and I immediately thought, What if this is Charlotte? I can't kill her! Granted, she wasn't spinning words like "Terrific" and "Some Pig" into her web, but still the whole process fascinated me... mostly because I was horrified of this tiny creature and she didn't seem the least interested in what I happened to be doing. So I decided, in having admiration for her craft, I would relocate her to a new home outside. As gently as I could, I scooped her into a glass and carried her outside, however in the acquisition she seemed to only make it out with 4 legs instead of 8. She still scurried off and looked as though she might make it, but I just needed to say I'm sorry.

So I had a couple of interesting experiences last night...

I went to the WD because it was ladies night and I'm pretty much broke because of this new house thing. So the cheaper the better... and as it turns out, I definitely got what I paid for. And I almost got kidnapped and taken home by a toothless, redneck lesbian. YIKES! Actually she wrapped both of her little white trash arms around me and leaned into my ear and said, "Come to the bathroom with me." This remark earned her a quite honest, "Hell no!" to which she proceeded to beg. It was horrible... in fact, it may have scarred me for life.

Finally she went away and we proceeded with the rest of our night. It's a school night so we call it a night fairly early... I get home safe and sound, getting ready for bed and I get a phone call from a one time ultimate love of my life... he was just calling to check on me because we hadn't really talked in a couple of weeks. He's an awesome friend like that. Our relationship still baffles me... how we had such an incredibly passionate relationship for a number of years that just kind of gradually burned out... not in a dramatic way... there were no tearful conversations and no dramatic break up... eventually the phone just kind of quit ringing on a daily basis on both ends. But we never lost the foundation of our relationship which is one of the greatest friendships in the world. Eventually he was like, "Can I come up?" Apparently he'd been sitting in my driveway for the better part of 15 minutes and I had no clue. So I said, "Sure," and he came up, plopped himself down on the couch and watched a made for TV movie. I wrapped up in a huge quilt and sat next to him. And just before I fell asleep with my head on his shoulder, I remember these words crossing my mind, "I've got books and books of poetry about this man, why can I only vaguely remember being in love with him?"

And that thought still perplexes me today. Up until last night I was completely convinced that when you love someone, you never stop. And while I still love him on a friendship level, and it's a very deep love at that, I can't even remember what all that passion used to feel like with him. That's never happened to me before. But I'm glad to know it's possible!

Woo hoo!! This is what I want for my birthday!!

I'm just gonna keep changing this blog til I get tired of it.

Deal with it.

Color me a tired girl. However, I came to the conclusion last night about 7 p.m. and my phone was ringing off the wall with offers of fun and drink (on a Tuesday night no less) and my tail was still dragging from going to Stillwater on Monday night, that I am a 24 & 11/12 year old girl (that's right, I said 11/12), and I have absolutely nothing tying me down. Nothing. Why shouldn't I go til I drop? One day I won't be able to do it and I'm sure I'll be standing in a kitchen somewhere cleaning up after dinner listening to my kids fighting in the living room and say to myself,"What happened to the days when I had no responsibilities?" So I figure I'll use those days to their fullest.

I'm taking the day off tomorrow to look at paint swatches and ceiling fans for the new house. The weekend will be spent putting all my precious belongings into boxes and getting ready for the move that will start in approximately 7 days...

Sweet Caroline,

If you're reading this, please resend your last email :) Cox ate it.

Love you love you love you!

I just have a few things to say after a night at Flip's with Whitney, then at la hacienda with Kindra. I think only one person who even ventures into the crazy world that is D-G dot net even knows Kindra. Ummm how do you say... mix between bottle of beer in one hand, baby in the other, and cigarette dangling, suffocating between her lips and total Bohemian revolutionary-- just cheaper drugs of choice. (Ok, so maybe no baby...) But you get it.

I got to hang out with Jaime (pronounce it phonetically in Espanol) for a bit tonight. Hol-ler! And we took our chances and partied on the roof. We tried to get the neighbors to come out and party on their roof and start a Roof Party trend, but alas, it was to no avail. So we crawled back in the window and opted for the couch in the living room.

So I met a very nice police woman on my journey. Ummm flashing lights on NW 10th and McKinley... right in front of K's house and not necessarily a place you wanna stand still too long... She hesitantly walks up to my window and asks where I'm going. I give her the address and say it's dark I can't see the numbers, can you? She shines her flashlight around at the houses and says there it is. Then she talks into her radio and says, I don't think this is the one we're looking for. And I say Hell no this is not the one you're looking for! The whole white girl thing shoulda tipped you off to begin with! What's hilarious was there were four faces pressed against an interestingly smokey 2nd story window high above the scene laughing hilariously... Somebody said, She doesn't have anything on her does she?? K said, It's Ash... surely not. But I dunno. I laughed about that for a while.

Anyway, good times. And Whit, the blanket disclaimer, I'm just not brave enough. Like so many other things... Just can't do it but you KNOOOW I wanna. :)

And I've lost a portion of my daily inspiration to, I can only speculate what, but I bet it would be a pretty good shot... and man, that makes me sad. But to each his own. You've got a voice. Use it.

Peace out homie G's and word to your mothers.

There are some people in this world that you know no matter where you are or what you're doing, when you're with them it's going to be most fun thing you do all week... maybe all month. It's also really cool to get to hang out with the people who have seen you through some of the biggest changes in your life. And they still love you :)

Gotta love old college friends... they define the line between rebellion and revolution... and they straddle it very well.

Seriously.

I generally detest blogs about blogging, but I've got something on my mind and I feel like writing. I've been having conversations with a good friend lately about all the drama happening in the blogosphere. It's a virtual soap opera. It's the glorified version of junior high note passing. It's a horribly botched game of Telephone. And it's very interesting, yet can be extremely tiresome.

At first I didn't really understand all the hubbub until she explained it to me this way, "You've revamped the content on your blog because you felt people were misunderstanding who you really were. These other people are just doing the same kinds of things, just in different ways." And so I've come to a couple of conclusions:

#1. A blog is a blog is a blog. It's a teeny tiny piece of cyberspace and it's yours to do with as you will. My best advice is this: If you have a vested emotional (relationships)/physical (jobs and such) interest in the things you are blogging, be careful. Know it could come back to bite you because it's up for debate with the whole entire world (literally), especially if you have comments.

#2. Anonymous is never anonymous. There's always a way to find out so if you don't want people to know who said it, don't say it. Simple as that.

#3. For goodness sakes people! Have a little fun. Lately I've been reading all these blogs that have these massively real-life dramatic overtones to them. Your blog is not who you are! Your blog is not the totality of your existence! (... and if it is, maybe that's something you should consider changing!) I use mine to say whatever it is that's running through this crazy head of mine. If people like to read that kind of thing, I'm glad! But if they don't, it serves its purpose by letting out the things that would only fester and become crazy spitting monsters if I kept them in.

Those of you out there who have fun blogs and use them as a means of creative expression, Kudos. And keep up the good work. Those of you who use your blogs as virtual weapons and/or fortresses, keep it up if you can handle it. But I'm out on all the drama for now.

Interesting developments on the home front...

And quite literally. So, new digs... woo hoo! I am officially a resident of a non-hood neighborhood. Looks like labor day weekend will be filled with paint for the walls and linoleum for the kitchen floor. It's gonna be a little work, but well worth it. And yes, it's coming out of the rent. Fabulous. We'll christen the enormous back yard soon enough.

Ode to Jeffery Bean

Jeffery Bean lost his girl.
He doesn't seem too sad.
He pulls his hat down,
Winks his eye,
And dances til he's glad.

Man... to make a pop culture reference from one of my favorite 90's movies, Clueless, I just had a moment like Cher had standing in front of the fountain at the mall when suddenly she realized, "I love Josh!"

Sometimes the lightbulb just comes on and things suddenly fall into place. It's an interesting experience.

So much to say. I feel like my brain is on overload with all these juicy little tid bits that are dying to get out. But I have to monitor the feisty little things... it's for my own good :)

First off I'd say the weekend was a success. Memorable at the very least, in several different ways. It was good to hang out with Whitney and Drew for a bit on Saturday... even if she does turn into a pumpkin at midnight.

I keep learning things about myself... I'm one of those people who will replay a situation or a conversation over and over and over in my mind for some stupid reason. And I always come up with two things: 1) Something else I should have said. 2) A bewilderment about what the other person might or might not have been thinking. This is chronic with me. It's very tiring and sometimes it gets me in trouble, but hey, it's me. So there was alot of that going on this weekend, needless to say.

And it's also interesting to kind of watch things unfold in other people's lives. Having a front row seat just on the outside has it's perks. And I'm watching several interesting stories unfold right now. And of course, there's always that one where you just wanna shake your head and go, See, I told you. But whatever. It's all good and it's all a part of the learning process.

And other than that, I think I'm just a mess and a happy one at that. Anyone who'd like to join the party (well, almost anyone :) feel free!

It was an interesting weekend at the very least. Lots of stories, lots of food for thought :) Maybe more later. I'll be a busy busy bee today. Speaking at a local college this morning for work, working all day, then straight to my first day of grad school. I feel like a Kindergartener all over again, nervous and excited :)

May have found a house. I have an appointment tomorrow morning to look at it... but the lady's got another thing coming if she brings up again the fact that she's hesitant about renting to someone "single." I have a feeling she'll have a bit of a different perspective after our meeting tomorrow...

Thoughts about the ones that didn't quite turn out so well for us...

They always turn up when you least expect it. And it's usually on your doorstep a couple of years later spouting apologies in a desperately hopeful attempt to make amends in some form or fashion and for any number of reasons.

The most interesting experience for me was one who got my return address off a Christmas card I sent to his family. It was January and it was cold and I got to sit across the living room from him and listen to him question what happened two years earlier. And I got to cry and smile really big and say I love you and I want you to be the happiest you can be because you have a wonderful life now so try to move on, and mean it. And I got to hug him and let him squeeze me until I couldn't breathe and smile because I knew those years of my life hadn't been wasted and because now it was my turn to show him the door. And I did.

I can't figure out for the life of me why people can't see what they have when they actually have it, instead of after the fact. But hopefully we all grow a little bit and learn a bit more about love and how we function in it and make it a part of us. And it's the greatest feeling in the world to know that there are people out there that will always have you in the back of their minds until the day they die thinking what if...

Drunk people are funny.

Especially him, him, and this one too.

Good times... mostly :)

Ode to the Goddess that Lives Inside Every Girl

A month of tanning... $40.00
Forgoing the cheeseburger at lunch for a salad... $8.00
The perfect top that makes you the center of attention... $35.00
Knowing you're prettier than the girl he's with... priceless.

Oh wow Ryin, good job.

So today is a good day. Actually the last two days have been pretty good. I wrote a decent blog yesterday about being thankful but suddenly my computer screen went black and all was lost. There is a person I have known as an acquaintance for the better part of 15 years and he has just recently become a close friend and an incredible encouragement. And he just happens to be on my Board of Directors. I'm so thankful that there are people in my life who still take the time to actually pick up the phone when they sense something is wrong and who genuinely care about what's going in my life. When he asks how I'm doing, he expects an honest answer, not just the standard "fine." Lately I've come to realize this is incredibly invaluable in my life and I'm so thankful to call him a friend.

I think God sensed I needed a little encouragement lately because over the last two weeks I have had clients coming to visit me from 2 years ago. When I see them initially it's usually a pretty tense and tearful time and future definitely looks bleak. But sometimes I get the privilege of seeing the end result like I have over the past couple of weeks. Like getting family pictures and graduation announcements, when finishing school seemed like an impossibility two years ago. Like getting a hug from a bouncy two year old little boy that I saw for the first time when he was ten weeks gestation and his mom didn't know how she was going to make it. This is what makes my job worth it.

It's days like today when I'm really excited about the end result of this wild ride. I don't know what it will be but I'm ready to round the next corner.

You people who don't go to the chiropractor are missing out. I walked out of that office and felt like I could fall asleep on the drive home.

So he took about a million exrays. Seems my cyatic nerve or however you spell that is none to happy with me at the moment. I don't really know why. But the kicker was when he walked back into the room and asked me how long ago my serious car accident was.

I've never been in a serious car accident... but apparently my neck believes differently. So he twisted me all around and popped everything that needed to be popped and felt around on the back and sides of my neck and kept saying, "wow, oh, yeah, wow." I was like, "Am I gonna die?" Then he put some pulsating, heated electrodes on my lower back and left them on for like 30 minutes. It was fabulous. I was in Heaven.

Anyway, I have to go back tomorrow and Friday and praise God for the barter system because each visit is $77 because of my screwey insurance. But if dad hooks the good doc up with some guitar lessons... yeah, not gonna cost me a dime.

Everyone seems to be in a generally good mood today. Must be the sunshine.

I walked into the office this morning to find a new big black 50 Cent shirt that says "Get rich or die tryin'," draped over the back of my chair. I just kinda looked around the room and said, "...uuuuhhhh." Then Kerry came in and said she put it on the back of my chair when she found it while she was going through some boxes of things that got donated to us yesterday. I found a cool USASPE shirt too. Not sure why those things got donated to a pregnancy clinic but what the hay. We'll take them.

Anyway, I get to take a trip to the chiropractor this afternoon. I'm very excited about this as I tend to love the chiropractor... unless he's adjusting my neck... and as my ever so eloquent dad would say, "I'd rather take a sharp stick in the eye." But having him work on my back feels like heaven. Well worth the $15 co-pay.

The outlook for this weekend promises to be full of adventure, drama, and tinged with drops of tequila. It seems as if Pinky and her beau will gracing us with their presence both at the REK show on Friday night and the Cabo Wabo Swabble on Saturday night. How did we get so lucky? This is obviously a good thing as I may need moral support concerning my consumption of tequila on Saturday. And she's always good for a little moral support as she needs absolutely none when in comes to the matter of Jose, Cabo Wabo, Patron, or any other tequila-like substance. Anywho, it promises to be interesting at the very least.

And Kevmo, if you've got something to say today, feel free to rant about your server or whatever's going on and let the world know you're still alive :)

Long but interesting of course, because it's about me :)

My assistant's boyfriend just brought her flowers and a teddy bear for no apparent reason at all.

Ok, I'm out. See you guys later.

Mercury may be in retrograde. Or I may just be hormonal. Or maybe just female. Or maybe just human. But I'm stuck in this place...

I started to write a really good piece last night about all the things that the love of my life is going to be. He's a mix of a little of most of the important people in my life, good and bad. But I couldn't figure out how to say it the way I really wanted to. And I came home last night after that horrible day that ended with a horrible board meeting and just collapsed on my bed and for the first time in a really long time I wished there was someone next to me. And I thought about house hunting and how I wish I didn't have to do it alone. And how nice it would be to have 2 incomes. :) And then I thought about the big picture of my life. I look at the past 24, almost 25 years, and I see how it is all building up to something... I wouldn't have had most of the crazy experiences and events if they weren't meant to be used for something. I look at where I have lived and how I was raised and the series of morphing and changing I've done since I've left home and my God, there's a reason for all of it. J. Hudson Taylor once said that a person who journals is a person who feels a great sense of purpose. And I have to agree with that. I have a huge sense of purpose, I'm just not quite sure what that purpose is yet. I feel like the outline has been drawn and I'm waiting for the colors and the shading to be filled in.

This morning on the radio Joey said, "You should never be with someone because you've put together a great argument and convinced them to stay with you."

Best relationship advice I've heard in a while.

And in my horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day yesterday, I forgot to say happy birthday to Robert who turned the BIG 3-0. I didn't forget aboutcha big guy;) Hope you had a great one!

My left leg has been killing me all day. I think the alignment of my back is outta whack. I hope so. If I'm growing I swear I'll throw myself off a bridge. That'll fix it.

Just in case you don't know... today is his birthday.

Oh that I had the courage to just open my mouth and not care.

Tony did a photoessay. Not too shabby.

Wanna see a 24 year old girl spontaneously combust? Lean reeaaallll close to your screen...

screaming kids... i need a pregnancy test now... and so does my friend... more screaming kids... **mental note: get rid of every toy in the waiting room that makes noise.**... my wife and I would like to come in in 15 minutes and meet you one on one, it won't take long... i need diapers, size 5... **mental note: get potty training material for parenting classes... my god**... i'm sorry to keep bothering you, but i need to ask you a question... do you have the agenda ready for the meeting tonight?...

Praise God for the little yellowish-orangey pill in my desk drawer...

Rant.

So. It's Monday morning. I'm at work and the phone is ringing off the wall. Am I answering it? Nope. People, I'm blogging. They'll call back if it's important. So my assistant calls me yesterday to tell me she won't be coming in today... she took off Thursday as well. I had a feeling this would happen. So I've got back to back appointments today starting at 11 and going til 5 p.m. Then I have a board meeting at 7 (and that's like an hours worth of paperwork to get ready for.) I can't do this anymore. I've got to have an assistant who is reliable. And by reliable I mean when it comes out of my mouth, I know it's going to get done... and get done right. And I'm not going to have to keep reminding her to get it done. Geez. See, I'm the kind of person who is creative and has lots of ideas and has fifteen things going at one time. My assistant has got to be somebody who can cross my t's and dot my i's while I'm keeping this big wheel turning. Right now she just plays solitaire and forgets to do the donor letter (a letter we send out every month to people who donate $$). I didn't get to pick this one. I kind of inherited her. She's sweet. She just turned 21 and I'm not sure she's ready for a job that has much responsibility. And that's fine and dandy, but she needs to look for that job elsewhere. Fortunately for me, her 90 Day Review is next month.

Anyway, enough about work. I have 2 appointments tomorrow to look at potential new haciendas. One is a little house close to Deaconess Hospital and one is the swanky Aberdeen Apartments downtown. If they're nice enough, I'll probably opt for that one because I have a feeling it's going to be more square footage for my pesos. And I just love the atmosphere. So we'll see. I just know I'm ready to be out of that God forsaken place I'm living in now. Which reminds me... I've got to call and give them my notice...

5:43 a.m., Sunday Morning

Call me an insomniac. Sleep has not been something I've succeeded at lately. At least, not during the normal hours one would partake of such a thing. This weekend has consisted of one thing, and one thing only: house hunting.

I made the official decision yesterday. I'm officially in the market for new digs. I spent four hours yesterday perusing the Oklahoma City selection, and so far I got nada. I am being rather picky, however. But I feel I'm finally in that position, so why not? I tend to be a person with very little patience when it comes to new and exciting ideas, meaning, I have to have it now. Not next week, not next month. Now... today preferably, if not sooner. But I'm going to try to have a bit more patience this time. However, probably not for longer than 30 days. So if I were you, I would expect a houswarming invitation in about two months.

Anyway, I've been so oblivious to the outside world this weekend I just figured out the Olympics have started. Good times. Good memories... went to Atlanta in 96 and saw Kerri Strug break her ankle up close and in person. It was an interesting experience.

So, it's been a restful weekend at least. I think I needed the break. This week's gonna be nuts... then school starts. Here I go for another three years...

Finally! The solution to all of my problems!!!

He can chop lots of wood, he has good all-around hygiene and he just discovered viagra. Hell yeah! He's the man for me!

I only hope we can be as happy as this couple!

Happy Freaky Friday! Beware of black cats and broken mirrors!

Head. Ache. Wow.

So I was on my way, once again, to hear some poetry last night when my phone rang and the voice on the other end said, "Meet us at the Wormy Dog for penny beer." So I thought, "Poetry, penny beer, poetry, penny beer... hmmm." And I made the wrong decision.

I didn't realize how long it had been since I had hung out with some of the old crowd until last night. Apparently they are of the opinion that Club Rodeo is really "the place to be." And they wondered why nobody was dancing at the Wormy Dog at 9 p.m. But penny beer was too irresistible so they decided to stay til 11. They were all guys. And one of them got excited and wanted to dance when Outkast came on. It was at that moment I knew I could never go back to that crowd :) A snippit of a conversation: Are you coming to Vince Neil? It's the weekend of my birthday!

Who's Vince Neil?

Uhhh. Ok. I'll see you guys later. Be careful and have fun.

So I ended up talking to a boy named Ryan who works for the arena football team and is friends with Jeff. Then I looked up and saw a guy I was totally, madly, deeply in lust with when I was sixteen years old. Back then he was the older, unattainable guy. But I'd already had a couple of shots so I thought what the heck. We ended up talking for about an hour. And he's only 28. I guess three years older seems like a pretty big gap when you're sixteen. Anyway, so that was interesting. He was there with a friend who remembered me, but I had absolutely no recollection of him. And he was a butt anyway. Just your typical I'm hot and I know it type of barfly boy. He works at Rane. And thank God.

Anyway, so it was an interesting night to say the least. Totally unexpected but I learned alot. Namely, I love you guys :)

Man, can I just say... It's 1:06 a.m. and this world is filled with so many boring boys. And for the record, Ryan, you are not one of them. At least, you're not one of them til you don't hook me up with season tickets. Then you're in danger. Anyways. Have a kick butt Thurs. I'll be laying low. Maybe.

I still really wanna go to A Midsummer Night's Dream... who dares to brave the world of William Shakespeare? I don't know many who would... but I'm up for any offers...

AND, did you hear me, I said AND I'll give 20 bucks to the person who can tell me my favorite quote from AMSND and who said it... just try...

Ok, I know Thursday night is Ladiethz Night at the Dog but does does anybody wanna go see A Midsummer Night's Dream at Shakespeare in the Park? It's one of my faves and I think it's gonna be a super nice night...

What. a. day. Been blowin and goin since my feet hit the ground this morning. Just one of those days when I'm talking on both phone lines and my cell phone's ringing off the wall and I'm already five minutes late for my next appointment. May do penny beer tonight. We'll see.

Ryin has officially impressed me by going where most heterosexual males flat out refuse to go. And I know, I know, it wasn't like he was chomping at the bit saying, Please please please please can we go to the Copa?? But still. At least he's willing to admit he had a good time. The guy I dragged there was none too thrilled but still I think he had a considerably good time. After all, he was with me **wink wink**. How can you NOT have fun at the Copa?? It's a bunch of extremely happy drunk people dancing their asses off! And where else can you see a man in nothing but black leather chaps leading another boy around by a chain? :) Now that's entertainment. And everybody is so nice! And it's a funny thing-- I thought I'd like the Copa because at least it wouldn't be the norm of getting molested by every male that comes in contact with you... but there were hands in places no strangers had actually been bold enough to go anywhere else... and they were male hands!! But you know what, I didn't mind at all... because we were both giggling and he said, You go girlfriend :) Awesome. I'd be up for another trip back. I guess it's just because there's waaay less pressure to be this perfect little picture of femininity to impress all the straight boys so maaaaybe they'll get unstuck from their egos for half a second to talk to you. F that! I'd rather be with the gay boys anyday! So Ryin, don't let your straight friends infiltrate the Copa. PLEASE! It's a safe haven for straight women everywhere!

Anyway, I didn't mean to go off so long on the gay club subject. Oh well. If you haven't gone you should go. It's at the very least an awesome conversation piece.

OK so tell me what this means...

Last night I had a dream that a guy was chasing me. He was trying to kill me. Then another guy caught the guy who was chasing me, whipped out a knife and cut the guys mouth out separating the teeth and the bones from his gums. (Sick, I know.) That made me scared of the guy that had supposedly saved me. Then in another dream I remember feeling that half of one of my back molars was broken and falling out. WTF!!! What's all that about?

It's scary to be me and be asleep.

If you can tear yourself away from Madden 2004 for one minute...
Ok, so I'm watching this documentary about this ex-felon who admittedly plotted to kill one of his real estate associates in 1988 and who published an unrelentless expose on GW in 1999 that eventually got pulled off the shelves by the original publisher because GW threatened to put them out of business. I personally think it sounds like a hack clip job, but his new anarchist publisher is hot. His name is Sander and I wish he would have left his little mohawk hair cut alone. He just looked more fun. I wanna marry somebody like that. Or at least have a torrid affair with him for a few years and then keep him on speed dial for the rest of my life. I'd definitely tell him he doesn't have to have longer hair and look more conservative just because he's famous now. And I mean really, how famous is he? Have you ever heard of him? Probably not til now. So how many people have to know you or about you for you to be famous? Hypothetically, how many email offers of massage, candlelight, and dinner does one have to receive to consider themselves known? And are success and fame commingled? If you're famous, does that mean you're automatically successful? I mean what about Amy Fisher? She's famous, well, maybe notorious is a better word, and she definitely was not successful. I mean how in the hell do you miss from that close range? Anyway, you could argue from the other end and prove your point saying that Erik Menendez got a mistrial. Bam! Famous and successful. Irregardless, it's doubtful that Pat Green will ever be as famous as Erik Menendez. So who cares anyway. Oh damn. The Bush whacker did himself in. He left a note saying it was the drinking and the depression and all the people talking bad about him. But I get it. It's hard getting away from things you kinda wish you wouldn't have done. Oh and now anarchist boy is crying. Seems he's not so much of an anarchist anymore. Or a publisher. Working on a biography of Karl Rove now. Ok so maybe I won't marry him. If I were going to print 45,000 copies of something, what would it be about? An imaginary girl meets an imaginary boy in Vegas? Hmmmm. Let's see...

Frantic phone call:

Can I come up there right now and talk to you pleeeaaase? I'm going through some things.

I feel like the most unqualified person in the universe to be helping other people sort through their own personal crap today. But I guess I know what they say about how helping others helps you. We'll see. I'm just generally under this really dark cloud at the moment. It's stupid, it is. But it's there nonetheless. I've got so many things I want to say but lately I'm really sensoring myself on this blog thing because I know the reputation it's gotten me over the last year. And I know that there are people out there who only associate me with the crazy things I write... and I lose the chance to really know them on a certain level because of it. So no more.

I have a confession to make: I'm not a down with love girl. I don't want a big massive relationship right now. I've got way too much sorting out to do concerning my future over the next three years, but it sure would be nice to have someone to hang out with. You know, someone with whom I can have interesting conversations (define interesting). Man, just come over and watch a movie! Whatever! Maybe just something beyond the freaking hanging out and drinking level. This is my life right now.

But whatev. It is what it is. I've kinda made my bed so to speak. I proved that edginess sells and maybe now I'll move onto something else.

Thoughts?

[MASSIVE DISCLAIMER: This is not necessarily an open invitation, nor is it a cry of desperation. It's just an honest account of things I've been pondering over the last few days and weeks. And before I get the catty comment from Ragan... I do still enjoy the hanging out and drinking... but variety is the spice of life :)]

To the makers of the Meatballs & Mozzarella Lean Pocket:

You continue to be at the top of my favorite people list. Kudos.

For those of us who live at the shoreline
standing upon the constant edges of decision
crucial and alone
for those of us who cannot indulge
the passing dreams of choice
who love in doorways coming and going
in the hours between dawns
looking inward and outward
at once before and after
seeking a now that can breed
futures
like bread in our children's mouths
so their dreams will not reflect
the death of ours:

For those of us
who were imprinted with fear
like a faint line in the center of our foreheads
learning to be afraid with our mother's milk
for by this weapon
this illusion of some safety to be found
the heavy-footed hoped to silence us
For all of us
this instant and this triumph
We were never meant to survive.

And when the sun rises we are afraid
it might not remain
when the sun sets we are afraid
it might not rise in the morning
when our stomachs are full we are afraid
of indigestion
when our stomachs are empty we are afraid
we may never eat again
when we are loved we are afraid
love will vanish
when we are alone we are afraid
love will never return
and when we speak we are afraid
our words will not be heard
nor welcomed
but when we are silent
we are still afraid

So it is better to speak
remembering
we were never meant to survive

- Audre Lorde

There's something about being hungry that makes a girl feel good. Man, what an F'd up world we live in. Recommended Reading: Appetites: Why Women Want. I think I'll be doing a re-read.

Moved the stage piano into my place this weekend. Helps me breathe a bit easier. Creativity is a great time filler.

Hope everybody's Monday is working out for them.

[Just a bit of free therapy, as someone I know calls it.]

I know what they say about seasons and feelings and times of the year. I think most of it's probably true. I haven't really been able to work myself out of the funk I've been in lately. And it occurred to me that it was right about this time five years ago that things began changing for me. They went from bad to worse, to slightly better, to full blown normal, but it was a long process. And August/September of 99 was the time, how do they put it, that terrible cliche, the darkest night is before the dawn? Yes. That's it.

I'm sure he had just come home from some party at some unnamed girl's house. The dog had chewed up his $200 pair of stolen boots he hadn't even worn yet. (The dog must have been more brave about expressing the things she knew about him than I was.) I was in the bedroom when the yelling started. I came to the doorway to see what the commotion was about when he threw me fifteen feet across the bedroom, slamming my head into the wall as I fell onto our bed. I cried and didn't try to move as he stood there over me screaming about the damn dog and his ruined cowboy boots. Then he yelled at me for crying. I sat up on the bed and leaned against the wall, silent, letting him finish his tirade. I can't quite recall but I must have tried to say something in my defense because the next thing I remember is his fist grazing my left ear just past my head and lodging itself into the wall. That was it. I still must have had some ounce of bravery or craziness or whatever you might call it within me because I specifically remember telling him if he didn't leave right that minute, I would. He wasn't going anywhere. So I picked up the car keys and headed for the door. Stopping at the front door, I turned to face him, I can't remember why. He put both of his hands on my shoulders and began slamming my head and shoulders into the door over and over again, shaking me as hard as he could. His face was about twelve inches from mine. I raised my right hand and threw the car keys at his face as hard as I could. Suddenly he stopped and backed away from me. I remember the blood running underneath his left eye. And I felt sad I had hurt him. He calmed down. I still asked him to leave, even though I knew he'd probably go to one of his other girlfriend's houses. And he left. I don't know where he went. Two weeks later I moved. And that was the beginning of the end of seven years of a word that hasn't even been invented yet. The closest thing I can think of would be "ambivalence." Hating it and needing it at the same time.

It's amazing what five years can do: growing up, learning how to deal, changing, those kinds of things. We're friends now. When asked about that night he can't recall even being present for the ordeal. It's funny how I can recall even the smallest details: the way the chewed up boot laid on its side in front of the bed, the shape of the blood running down his face. Even now he apologizes over and over even though he can't remember the incident. Funny how time changes things. He's got a family and children. I've got a degree and another on the way. He still sounds very unsure about the existence of anything real in the world. And I have had the privilege of knowing an angel. He came in the form of a broken person. People laughed at his brokenness often. And for some reason, he took an interest in me. He could not put his pieces back together so easily, but he picked mine up one by one and taught me to see the unequivocal beauty in each shattered fragment. And soon, he didn't know it, but he'd become to me all the King's horses and all the King's men. And then he walked away with tears in his eyes.

Time. It's a crazy wonderful thing. I always want to come out of it better. And I want to believe that lightning can strike twice.

Happy Birthday to you!!
Yay Matt!

One of my all-time favorite books. And I'm not trying to give anything away, but the last shot of Adrian Brody in the forrest in The Village reminded me of this book in a really strange way.

So I may or may not be getting married in September.

We'll see what happens. I always knew it would happen like this.

What a day. Perfect outside. Lil sis is coming home tonight, or so I hear. Boring day of writing checks and keeping the so-called organization afloat. Not my favorite part of the job, but I do get to sign checks, so it has it's perks I guess.

Got alot on my mind, just things from the past ya know. Just not sure where to start... we'll see.

For your reading pleasure... because I know you've got time to kill... or you wouldn't have a blog of your own :)

My new fave: A Softer World. You'll love it. Scroll back through their Friday comics.

Altoids and left-over hamburger pizza.

Altoids and pretty much any kind of pizza.

Altoids and pretty much anything.

Not so much.

Girl Interrupted

I'm feeling very musical.

When I turned nineteen, I had two choices: a happy life as I knew it or my boyfriend. So what's the logical choice? Boyfriend. And when I chose him, I forfeited education, family, best friend, and piano. I have recovered all of them save one: the piano. And tonight I will be reclaiming that one.

Can you imagine being so wealthy that you could donate 105 brand new Steinway pianos to a school? Tonight I am going to take advantage of the largest purchase of pianos in Steinway's 149 year history. I'll find a practice room off in a corner and let myself go. This is what I've been missing. I don't know why it hasn't occurred to me until now.

I can remember specific instances, just like it was yesterday, of getting alone in a room, or an empty auditorium and letting all the pent-up-ness out through my fingers. It's exhausting and it's cleansing. It's almost better than writing.

And they don't lock the doors until after 10 p.m.

Well color me a tad bit freaked out. I came home today to find the toilet seat up in my bathroom. Seeing as I am not accustomed to using the bathroom with the toilet seat up, and Tucker is not quite that smart, I'm a little alarmed.

My fridge is going out again and someone was supposed to come fix it but nothing in the kitchen seems to be disturbed...

Whitney says I'm one big exclamation point. And she says that's good.

I think this crush thing has gone to my head.

But who can blame me?

Plus, it'll be different tomorrow. Let me have my fun :)

I was listening to Jack Johnson this morning on the way to work and it made me happy :) The sun is shining, it's a pretty day, it's going to be hot as you-know-what, and I have to work late tonight but I'm still in a good mood! And I'm not afraid to tell you, over the last couple of years I've become terrible about getting crushes on people. And yes, that's what I'm saying. I have a crush... on you! Yes, you reading this :) And I know you're sitting there right now saying to yourself, "Is she talking about me? No, surely not. Well, maybe. No, probably not." Yes! You! Love love love!! Ok, well maybe not love as in I love you and I'll die without you. But maybe like love as in I love macaroni and cheese. I love smelling fall in the air. I love it when little kids tug on my shirt tail and look up and say, "What's your name?" I love the fact that you can still buy something from the ice cream truck for $.50. That kinda love :) Don't worry about loving me back, because I just think you're awesome just the way you are.

One of the more tame Bukowski poems. Reminds me of a good friend.

Something possessed me to buy some poetry today. Nothing to clear up the funk like a little Bukowski. Now i don't want to do anything all day but laugh to myself and say things like right on.

Love it love it love it.

A random, Kevin-like, post.

There are only a few things that suck more than having the big picture of a thing come into focus and having to look back and say, Ooooh. So that's why he called me...

-----------------------------------------

Saw The Village today. I give it 2 thumbs up. Don't go expecting a horror flick though. Just an interesting suspense kinda movie.

-----------------------------------------

Been thinking back through my past the last few days. Remembering things like corn cooking contests when that was the only thing left in the pantry. We didn't care... cause we hardly ever had time to eat anyway.

And I just remembered today how we used to go to car dealerships, and convince the salesmen to let us take the car "overnight" just to make sure we wanted it. We'd take it out that night and bring it back the next morning saying we'd changed our minds.

I met him for lunch on Saturday and we had absolutely nothing to talk about... except movies. That seems to be the one thing we can agree upon.

-----------------------------------------

Had a two hour talk with my mom, which I'm not sure has ever happened before. Seems to have cleared the clouds up that were hovering over me the last fews days. Family is hard but hopefully, you make it through it.

-----------------------------------------

I'm in a music slump. I need some really good soul-connection tunes. I'm at a loss right now. I have maybe more burned CD's than anybody on the planet but I can't bring myself to go through them to try them out. I didn't know Judson Layne before Friday night. And maybe it was just the funk I was in, or maybe it was the fact that he reminds me of my good friend Matt who lives in Tennessee, but he made me want to cry and I love him. And I want more.

-----------------------------------------

This world needs more art. My life needs more art. I need more space. That's next on the list.