More raging introspection...

Here's your dose of Monday night relentlessness. This is my therapy. I'll just throw out every disclaimer I know before I begin. I am not the great white martyr. I do not have all the answers. Most days I feel like I got nothin in the answers department. I realize it takes all kinds of people to make this world go round and I have to remind myself of that constantly so I don't end up knocking someone's block off and become the very person I so desperately don't want to be.

That said, here we go:

The question was, How do we end poverty? Seven different groups, seven different answers. Somehow for two hours of discussion we (and I say "we" meaning the class) could only come up with one solid thing: Ending poverty means cutting off the users of the welfare system, implying you never know who they are and there are many of them out there.

A class of 25 people. Six Gucci bags sitting on the floor.

Six.

I counted.

My first thought is: Wait. You're carrying around a Gucci bag and would even presume to voice your opinion about someone receiving government assistance?? Your purse alone could feed a family of four for a good month. And let's talk about how the majority of individuals on welfare are women and children (single mothers). Let's talk about how mom works the night shift to get her required work hours in because the welfare check doesn't even put food on the table, let alone cover day care. PLEASE, pleeeaaaase be stupid enough to come back with, Well she shouldn't have had kids without being able to support them. 1.3 million pregnancy terminations last year. You know who they were? They were middle-upper class white girls, ages 19-25, mostly Protestant faith, with at least some education and health insurance. Girls from the good side of town. Yet somehow they can't take responsibility for their lives.

There are so many users out there? Just waiting for their check in the mail so they can maintain their lifestyle? I am on a gut level with this every day and have been for almost 4 years now. I have yet to meet one of those people. I have never met anybody on welfare who was 1) happy about it 2) content staying on it 3) not embarrassed by the fact that they are receiving government assistance. Let's talk about the crazy notion that maybe food as a human necessity isn't a privilege you earn, but a right you have just by being a living breathing human being created inherently to need sustenance. And I know, I know, Mr. Locke and all our wonderfully Christian, Godly founding fathers said, You don't work, you don't eat. So it must have been gospel, right? Where do you think that came from? The very earliest civilizations on the planet gained power over each other by hoarding food. I've got something you need. What are you gonna do for me? Food, money, cars, Gucci bags, etc.= ownership = entitlement. I'm just a little bit better than you. That's why I have things you don't. Consider our founding fathers (Puritan's) view that the poor were not of The Elect (damned to hell) and were poor because they were inherently flawed. Hmmmm. Sounding familiar? Maybe they're just lazy. Maybe they just don't want to work. If you can give me literal examples of that, I'll let you have your point. But until you've actually spent time, and I don't just mean donating a turkey at Christmas, on the other side of I-35 besides just speeding down the city streets with your doors locked, windows rolled up, looking straight ahead, and hoping you don't get shot, you should probably refrain from giving your opinion as to other people's character and way of life.

Let's talk about kids literally just down the street who didn't eat today. They've been wearing the same clothes for the past 3 days and those are too small. They're failing in school because you can't learn when all you can hear is your tummy growling. How about the fact that if the wealth in America was distributed exactly evenly to every citizen we'd all have 22 MILLION in the bank. Seems kind of stupid for momma's to have to sell their bodies to buy formula for their babies, huh. (They do.)

And I look around at all the things I have. I'm pretty middle of the road per say for my age. I have a middle of the road car, live in a middle of the road house, have a middle of the road income. I feel incredibly lucky to have what I have. And I say lucky because in the last couple of years I've developed a huge conflict with saying the word "blessed." Why would God bless me and not someone else? Who am I that He would give me all kinds of good things and not someone else. I have done some of the worst things and made some of the most horrible mistakes out of most people I know in my short 25 years. And some of the people I see every day on welfare, struggling to feed their kids have the purest hearts of anyone I've ever met. I don't pretend that some omniscient force has smiled on me and that some how I'm just a little more "blessed" than anyone else. Unconditional love is just that, and it is no respecter of persons. It has nothing to do with giving good things to one person, and withholding from another. The only thing I can figure is that I've got what I've got for the specific purpose of helping others. Because it certainly is not because of anything I've done.

And with that, I'll end my novella about social injustice. I think we all feel a little out of place in this world at some point in time and we'd probably be better off if we'd acknowledge that others feel the same way sometimes. And that goes for me too.

a little random introspection for my friends...

here are some tidbits I've been thinking about or that have come up in conversation lately...

i don't like feeling like people are talking about me when I'm not there. but who does? i'm pretty sure this explains my proclivity to hanging out with males vs. females. most guys just want to have a beer and chill. not too much drama usually. and when there is, it's usually completely self-involved. and I can handle that drama. and props to my kindred-spirit females who stay out of the jr. high gossip trap.

i have a friend who, much to my chagrin sometimes, feels totally comfortable calling me out on my bullshit. he said to me a few days ago, You really put up alot of walls don't you. i hadn't really thought about it in that context, but yeah I guess I do. guess it's just self-preservation and all that. i hate it when my days feel consumed with self-doubt. but maybe that's part of the human experience.

i've really made a mess of my life in certain areas. and i don't quite know how to get back on the right track. wait. i was never on the right track to begin with. it started out all wrong. ok, must carve new path. must try something different.

nope, that would involve a willing ear and self-disclosure. see previous comments on building walls.

that's it for today folks.

Well, I hit the ground running this morning. Got no sleep last night. I have officially relapsed into the horrible cold I had 2 weeks ago. Except this time I'm coughing too. How lovely. I think I need to lay off the drinky drinky. I've been doing it waaaaay too much lately and it's time to regulate. So I've taken all kinds of medicine and I feel like I'm on speed. All Requiem for a Dream like. Fun times. Jared Leto is hot, by the way.

Anyway, I'm super excited about this weekend. I'm kind of leaning toward actually going to the Boland show and just getting a room for Friday night, then lunching with the grandparents on Saturday. And everybody's invited to do that as well. My sister always brings people to the holidays and I think they're beginning to think I'm some kind of loner. Ah well. At least it'll be a free meal. :)

School this week should be interesting... tonight we're arguing more social injustices like poverty and welfare, then Thursday night we're actually going to my professor's office to watch some kids in play therapy. Gotta check the summer schedule today. I'm gonna try to load up on classes this summer so I can take it easy over the next 2 semesters and be done with the degree part of this whole thing at least.

Nothin' much else is going on. Gots lots of crazy things runnin' through this head. I bet you'd pay more than a penny. It'd be worth it, trust me.

But that's just the way I roll, got some rebel in my soul.

Let's get it on.

Peace out.

What a day. I've done pretty much nothing and yet I still feel completely spent. I took some cold medicine this morning about 9 a.m. completely convinced I was relapsing into whatever I had a couple of weeks ago. So I lapsed back into unconsciousness until 1:30 p.m. when dad called and asked that I help him move my car to the shop where it's getting fixed. (It completely quit on me the day before I left for California.) So dad and I hung out for the better part of two and a half hours moving my car, driving to the shop, and talking. We attempted to bridge murky emotional waters brought on by the fact no one had told him yet that my mom is getting married. However, he wasn't the emotional one. I was. I've gotten much better with the subject as of late, but today I was on cold meds (which, if you know me, you won't be surprised that they totally mess with my emotions/hormones), and was still recovering from the last 4 nights out. It probably wouldn't have been so bad except the subject of those conversations always turns to my sister. She's the one who's gotten the shaft in this whole ordeal, and I understand it's life and these things happen all the time, but it is rough looking at the situation and thinking your only parents have both traded in for new families. But it ended up ok and he just said, "Chin up, Kid. Call me if you want to talk or cry or get drunk or whatever."

So to get my poetic existential fix for the day, I've been watching Angels in America for the third time while flipping back and forth to the Oscars. Clint Eastwood cleaned up tonight. Good for him. Million Dollar Baby was a good flick. And Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind won something too. I love that movie. Makes ya think...

Maybe all the hard times in our lives are for a reason.

In this world there's a kind of painful progress... longing for what we've left behind and dreaming ahead.

You know what I wonder sometimes...

Rosa Parks had probably been on that bus, on the same route, at the same time, with the same driver hundreds of times going to work every day and running errands. What was different that one day?

It's the little things.

things that did not happen tonight:

1) kerry did not have 3 smirnoff ice's and throw up in the bathroom

2) cody did not show up

3) steve did not say his lovely wife was at home cleaning his house like a good bitch should

4) there was no conversation mentioning a "beadazzler"

5) a certain long-haired boy was not wandering the streets of austin alone, on foot, lost in the rain, and drunk off his ass

6) i did not rear end somebody in line at the drive thru while ordering my chicken nuggets

so boys and girls, it was a pretty uneventful night altogether. now i'm gonna finish my fries, bathe, and settle in for a long day of sleep tomorrow... refreshed and ready for the week that will be a race to friday. and then it's on like donkey kong. somebody call fayetteville. tell them we're coming. consider it fair warning.

the stuff memories are made of...

assuming you can remember them.

Overheard in the living room at 4 a.m.: Anybody have any drugs?

Jack Ingram was incredible. I wanted him to play for like an hour longer than he did, but it was great nonetheless. He did Goodnight Moon and that's all I needed to hear. Afterwards I took my burned CD to him to sign and he was like hell yeah I'll sign it. Then said he and Todd Snider are trying to work out the details of doing a record together. Count me in on that one.

Kevin, Ryin, & Jen ended up coming over and we jammed on the guitars til about 6 this morning when we all fell over. It was good times.

Tonight it's the Vagina Monologues and the No Justice show.

Rock n roll party people.

Big ups to Liz Claiborne.

I found a darling pair of black crop pants for 20% off today. So I grabbed a pair and tried them on. Too big. Wow, that doesn't usually happen :) So I grabbed a size smaller, figuring they'd work, and headed for the check out counter. I got home and put them on and I'll be damned if they don't fit everywhere but the waist. So I'm thinking, whatever they're cute, I'll just endure the hours of pulling them up and trying to make sure I'm not showing my butt crack all night. Then after about 15 minutes of wearing them around the house, I decided this is never gonna work. I gotta do something about these things or they're gonna be around my ankles by the end of the evening. So I take them off and sit down at the sewing machine, fully prepared to do a little impromtu alteration of the waistline... until something caught my eye.

The back has a partial elastic wasteband and I discovered a little button peaking through one end of the elastic... what's this? I'll be damned if girl didn't already know I was going to have this problem and put adjustable button holes in the elastic band. This, my friends, is genius. Thanks to Liz and her ingenuity, no one will have to endure the gloriouness that is the largeness of my ass this evening. Problem solved.

a little unfinished business...

i've found that i have 2 kinds of dreams: dreams that represent (symbolize) something about myself, and dreams in which i play out a scenario where i go back and do something different than happened in waking life. sometimes it's a re-do, sometimes it's just making right something i didn't do first time around, or doing something i was too scared to do in waking life. basically it's the alternate ending to something that happened previously. i hardly ever have these dreams, but i did last night. and oh my goodness was it yummy. it was so yummy in fact that it woke me up. and i fell back asleep and did the whole thing all over again. that was a good night.

and speaking of good nights... i cannot possibly put into words how excited i am to see this guy tonight. definitely the highlight of my february. well sorta. this month has rocked. but march is gonna be outta control.

out like bean sprouts.

Spread the word...

I do stupid shit on a bottle of sake, 2 bottles of wine, shots of Jager, crown and coke, and one hour of sleep in 48 hours. Sometimes you hafta learn how to control it. And usually I can. But I'm really bad at expecting the unexpected. And if it could happen tonight, it did. Man. Glad to be in the safety of my own home again.

It's officially Kevin Miller's birthday. So happy birthday to my boy!! Woo HOOOO! Friday night we're gonna party like it's... a f'in Jack Ingram show!!

So to finish my vacation recap: stayed out in Venice Beach til waaay too late last night (this morning), had some freaking awesome sushi, went to the most kick ass bookstore I've ever seen (I will swear it's the Beats reincarnated), and saw a good band at a cool bar. And now it's time for me to get in my own bed, and think happy thoughts till I find myself asleep and waking no earlier than 12 noon tomorrow.

This weekend's gonna be nuts. And the next. And the next after that. Then skip a week and the next after that. The road goes on forever and the party never ends and all that.

Tomorrow's (today's) gonna be a day to recoup. Don't call me before noon yo. None of ya's.

Rock n roll.

Hola senors y senoritas!

You wanna hear something funny? The cleaning people at this hotel are white. In southern California, who'da thunk it? Call me crazy but I'm sure it's because Latinos have more opportunities in this part of the country which kind of levels the playing field for the "crap" jobs. But we'll save that discussion for another day.

I had the most delicious breakfast this morning at a little restaurant on the ocean called Las Brisas. It would have been *perfection* had it not been for the party of 4 sitting caddy-cornered from me discussing (very loudly) the character flaws of their pastor and recounting chapter by chapter the Little House on the Prairie books and saying how everyone in this country should be required to read the books and watch every episode of the show to learn about family values. Cheese and rice. In instances like that it's hard for me not to launch into a discussion about how the "ideal American family" was an image made up by TV execs in a board room in the fifties. Yes, it's true, June Cleaver was popping a Xanax with her OJ in the morning. (The fifties was a great decade for underground pain killer sales.)

Anyway, it poured down rain and hailed this morning for exactly 12 seconds. Then the sun came out. It was cool to watch that happen on the water. When the sun shines on it just right, it's hard to look at it because it's so bright. Well, I'm off for an hour and a half of a Swedish full body massage and sea salt foot scrub at the ritziest salon in Laguna.

I love vacations.

I woke up this morning at 10a.m. starving. My body said, Hey it's lunch time! But the clock said, You've still got 2 hours to go. So I settled for a shower and deciding what I was going to do with my day. It was kind of sprinkling outside but all the torrential rain CA is getting isn't happening here. It is absolutely gorgeous here, despite what the news reports say.



I finally got ready to go and walked out to the car. It wouldn't start. What? Yep, left the lights on all night. See, my lights go off automatically in my car. This one (the rental) you have to manually turn them off, which I haven't done in over a year. So I had a dead battery and an hour and a half to wait for the jump to come. So I decided to make the best of my day and walk down to a little Italian restaurant and had some wonderful spinach ravioli for lunch.



Finally the jump showed up and I was off and running. I stopped by the Laguna Museum of Art which was pretty cool. They have a whole exhibit that consists of the music of the OC. They have a wall covered with CD players and headphones to where you can listen to samples of the music of the independent artists around here. Very, extremely cool. Like red dirt California style. The rest of the museum was pretty interesting. It's cool to see how our cultures are so different even in different parts of this country.



After the museum, I hit the beach. I get ridiculously introspective and sentimental around large bodies of water. And today was no different. I found this beautiful little waterfall and stood on the rocks underneath it barefoot for like an hour and watched the birds and the waves. Tonight, I went to a little restaurant on the beach called The Beach House. The dining room is completely glassed in and overlooks the ocean. I made a reservation for 5:30 with the sun setting promptly at 5:40. And it was even cooler because you could see the sun setting behind sheets of rain falling way out over the water. And now I've got a bottle of wine, and scented candles next to the whirlpool tub. But before I settle in, I think I'll go up to the rooftop bar and check out the scene up there.

Vacation Part II: The OC


(BTW, that's my room key laying on my bed spread.)

Well, that's all she wrote people. When I get back on Thursday I'm dropping my classes at OU and transferring to UC Irvine.

Right now it's a cool 58 degrees with a breeze blowing off the pacific ocean and ruffling the white linen curtains framing my open window. Outside I hear the waves and the laughter of the Sunday night party-goers lining both sides of the street in this ocean front town. I am in love.

I don't even know where to start.

Let's start with the events leading up to my trip to the OC. Stillwater. Saturday night. Too much fun for my own good. Ended up in bed at 8 a.m. Slept til 11a.m. Then it was off for the 3 hour trip to DFW (where, consequently, it was 80 degrees outside and even hotter inside). Sitting at the gate, waiting to board the plane, I met a nice girl from San Diego. She introduced herself to me by asking if my shoes were Steve Madden. I said, yes, Steve Madden for Shoe Carnival. She laughed. We boarded the plane but our seats weren't together. I sat down one seat away from a very quiet old man, kind of glad to have the empty space between us. UNTIL. Yes, until. Cute boy showed up. :) I thought, I didn't see you in the terminal, where'd you come from? And as fate would have it, he held the boarding pass to seat 20B, right next to my 20C.

So we sat down and I said, So, are you from here or California? He said, Neither, I'm from Austin. Turns out he was heading to Newport Beach for a job interview. He couldn't have been more than 28. I asked him what he did and he said he was a custom home builder. His name is Ryan and he graduated from Tech with a degree in Architecture. I told him my sister was in school at A&M and I prepared for the string of cuss words that was inevitable. Apparently Tech and A&M is the Texas version of OU/OSU. Anyway, I don't remember how it came up in the conversation but he said he ran a little dive bar all the way through college. I said, Really? That sounds fun. He goes, yeah it's a little bar called the Blue Light. I started laughing. You ran the Blue Light? Wow. And you know where it went from there. He started telling me stories about how back in the day Jack Ingram would show up on a Tuesday or Wednesday night unannounced when nobody was there, get totally trashed and play a show for free. And he told me how he thought Coby Wier was the baddest assest guitar player on the face of the earth. And then he goes, So you probably know who Cross Canadian Ragweed is. I laughed some more and said, Yeah, I've heard of them. They're part owners of this little bar I hang out at. And he goes, No shit! You hang out at the Wormy Dog? I said man this world is too small. And you're cute, we should probably get married. He laughed and said, Cool.

So I'm staying an extra day, we're driving up to Vegas and sealing the deal.

So here I am right in the middle of the OC. I may never come back. Ever. This hotel is just like they are in the movies. I'm living way above my means and I'm spending every dime to my name, but it's worth it. I'm worth it. And now I'm going to finish my $15 organic/gourmet mesquite shrimp pizza and get in my whirlpool tub and think happy thoughts.

Life. is. good.

I hopped out of bed bright and early at 11:30 a.m. this morning with three things on my mind: do laundry, get oil changed in car, go see dad. So I threw the bed head into a hat and ponytail, threw they laundry in the washer and headed to dad's. Man he was slammed, people everywhere. It's kinda cool because his inventory in the front is getting kinda low, which means major progress in in-store sales. This is a good thing. So I wandered around the store, picked up Taylor's little music publication thing and read a cool interview with Sarah Mclachlan about songwriting. Then I thought, what the heck, while I'm here I might as well test some of these bad boys out. So I headed to the "high end acoustic" room (the room that he lined with cedar and is set at exactly 72 degrees with the humidifier running at all times). I picked up the prettiest Taylor hanging on the wall and just started playing. Then I thought, well if I'm gonna play my One Song, I'm gonna need a capo. So I scrounged around til I found one and went back into the acoustic room, minding my own business, just jammin' with myself. About twenty minutes later dad walks in the room and his jaw just about drops to the floor and goes, "Please tell me you did not just put a metal capo on that $7,000 guitar." Ummm, yeah. I did. That's the only way I can play my song. Wow, it's a $7,000 guitar? Awesome. No wonder it sounds so good. "If you scratched the back of that neck I'll rip your lips off and beat you with them." Chill out. I didn't scratch anything. He breathed a sigh of relief, fine tuned the guitar for me and then we jammed for about an hour. He taught me some new stuff. It was good times. If any of you ever go in there, talk to Kyle, he's a good guy. And an even better player/singer. That's what I love about going up to that place, there's always somebody playing and/or singing.

Anyway, it was a good time and dad slipped me a c note for my vacation. And told me to be careful out there because "they kill people in California." Ok, will do dad.

Lucky for me it looks like it's gonna rain the entire time I'm there.

Oh well. Laying in bed under a down comforter with a good book and watching rain fall into the ocean is good enough for me.

Vacation: Part I b: Still in OKC

Badwater (linked on the right) is just like Bleu. Every time I go I wonder why I ever miss a show. Bobby Wayne has got to be at the top of the list of all time coolest guys on the planet... from his guitar, to his jeans, to his all-around rock starness. Wow. And he's on the list of baddest assest guitar players I've seen live... even though he forgot his lighter fluid tonight so there were no flames. The new guys were cool... and so was Amy, the new rhythm guitarists gf. She got a little pissed at some drunk girls who jumped on stage and started shakin' it, and I told her I had her back if she was gonna take them outside, but she's gotta get used to it. He's a rock star now. Anyway, I got drunk, sobered up, and got drunk again. Then we went to IHOP. A good time was had by all... Ragan provided the entertainment for the evening. By 9 p.m. he was doing the whole, "Man, I'm drunk," thing. Then whaddaya know... 1:30 a.m., last call!! Ragan says, "Gimme a Jager Bomb and a Makers and coke for the road." He wandered around a few parking lots in Bricktown til he finally found Melisa and the car which was only a small catastrophe compared to the all out drama caused by the case of the missing cell phone which was found by Melisa in the car, right where he left it, after he put out an APB to the staff after hours at the WD.

My plans are still up in the air for tomorrow. The only thing I know is that I'm doing laundry and packing. My plane leaves later than I thought on Sunday so I get to go out tomorrow night if I wanna. Stillwater's a major possibility. Bleu's at Dirty's. We'll see. Hopefully my next post will be from a beach front hotel room in sunny California. :)

Wow. Well, that was fun.

Round 2 tonight. Somewhere, somehow.

Jack Ingram's Acoustic Motel CD is my new fave. I've got a few in the rotation right now...

Had another dream about guns last night. I was caught in the middle of a gang fight at a shopping mall. Very weird. But nobody was hurt.

Time for my Friday nap. :)

Vacation: Part I: OKC

I love my honesty. And it gets better after I haven't eaten since 11:30 a.m. and Cody's been comping me all night. If you wanna know, that would be the time to ask. Really.

So Stoney didn't do Seven Spanish Angels. But he did do Long Black Veil and Downtown. That's why I go to Stoney shows. But I miss the days when nobody cared and it would just be an empty bar, Stoney, whoever was playin' with him on that night, and me in the front row. Now he's all rock star with screaming fans piled up in front of the stage. But yay for him. I dig him. He deserves every bit of it.

I was gonna say somethin' else, but now I can't remember. You know what's funny? The Mexican guy laughing at me mopping the floor at Walgreens. Hey, my cat needs food. I know it's 2:30 a.m. and I'm not walking in a straight line and my "clickers" as Ryin calls them, are making noise. But he's my baby and he's gotta eat. He laughed at me all the way to the register.

So I just looked at him and said, "Pedro, I'm on vacation bitch." And he laughed back. Probably didn't have a clue what I was saying. He was probably thinking, "Mujer bebida, blanca y loca!"

Happy Friday all.

Peace out.

This land of blog is so interesting to me. Just take a few minutes and browse around the recently updated section of blogger. Most of them are pretty boring. Lots of tech stuff. But some of them give an interesting commentary of what people like to share with the world. I found a teacher's blog from Arkansas where she lists a quote from one of her students every day. A couple of days ago her students found out about the blog and the quote for that day was, "What's the name of your website? Ihatemystudentsbecausetheydrivemecrazy.com?" I wish I woulda had cool teachers like that in high school. My teachers hated me. They hated my whole class. Even now they say the class of 97 was the worst class to come through that school... all 20 of us. I suppose we were mild troublemakers. But that's what private school's for, right?

Anyway, there are alot of blogs out there that sound like high school girls anonymously talking about their boyfriends. It's slightly interesting if you can wade through the horrible grammar and overall valley-girl tone: OMG. I didunt get to finish tellin you about my baby. he is so fine. don't tell anybody but we totally made out in his car in the parking lot at the mall last night. Shelley is going to totally freak out when she hears how inta me her boyfriend iz. But whatev. shes a fat bitch anywayz.

Oh to relive those days. Or. Maybe not.

Then I found a blog of information tips on Gastric Bypass. Ummm, ok.

Then I found this one and it made me laugh.

Wow. This looks really interesting. I guess it's some kind of online pseudo therapy. (Really, they're just selling soap, but it's still cool.) Tell all your secrets and no one will ever know. I think I just might. :)

What a beautiful day. And of course it would be. I didn't have to come in until 11 this morning and today is the very last day I have to work for the next ten days. I'm flyin' solo again today as well, so it's nice. Very quiet and relaxing.

I'm sporting the "she just got outta the pool 2 hours ago" look today. I went to bed with wet hair last night because one of my least favorite things in this world is going to bed with smokey-smelling hair. And I woke up this morning fancying my skanky waves. So I just left them.

I made myself a damn quesadilla for lunch but it wasn't that good. So I tried some of the chicken nuggets in the freezer and they weren't that good either. Hmmm. Now I'm disappointed I didn't just go out for chinese.

It's gonna be hard to make myself sit through 2 hours of class tonight. But I gotta. I've been slackin lately. But after that, friends and neighbors, I'm gonna party like I'm Stoney's favorite groupie. And for anyone who asks, yes, as a matter of fact, I am with the band. From now on.

Rock n roll. Party on party people.

Alrighty. Rooms for the Ragweed/Roger Clyne show in Fayetteville on March 5th are booked. We got 2 rooms at $50 a room. Not sure how many people are planning on making the road trip, but we can add rooms if we need to. I know Caroline and I are going, as well as Ryin, Ragan, Melisa, and I think Kevin too. Probably some others. I heard something about Craig and Andy going. And what about Carrie? We may need to get another room :) (which is cool because then it averages out to like 10 bucks a person.) Unless somebody wants to volunteer to sleep in the car or on the floor. The bathtub might be a viable option as well, given the state we'll probably be in by the time we actually get back to the hotel.

Road trip! Woo hooo!

Complete and total nonsense.

Blahdy blahdy blah. Man this day is boring. It's kinda nice to have some time to myself though. Just one freakin' more day and I'll be home free for ten whoooole days. And part of those days will be spent looking at the pacific ocean and wondering why the hell I still live in Oklahoma.

Here's a funny thing: We were previewing videos yesterday to show our clients about the risks of irresponsible sex. Of course, most of them are really cheesey 90210 type videos, but they'll work I suppose. One of them is the story of a girl talking to her friends about their sexual experiences. She's talking about the cool guy at her high school and she says, "He thinks he's cool, but I just think he's a slut." I was like wow, she just straight up called him a slut. We need more girls calling boys sluts as far as I'm concerned. :) Anyway, I got a good chuckle out of it.

I got no sleep last night, again. I don't know what the deal was but I laid in bed for like 2 hours trying to go to sleep. Then about 2 a.m. my stomach started making LOUD bubbling and gurgling noises. It was so loud it woke Tucker up. I wasn't in pain at all so it was really weird. I could feel things moving around in my tummy and I just thought Well this is not good. Then the cramping started and it was all downhill from there. It was very strange. I didn't eat anything weird yesterday and I felt fine until 2 a.m. God is punishing me. For... wow, I could probably make a list but I won't. You all know anyway. Well, you think you know.

Then I had another dream about people shooting each other. This time it was a soldier who had captured a woman who was fighting for the other side. She was laying on the ground and he was standing over her. I could see both of their faces. He was wearing camo, she was not. She was like Don't shoot me. And he said I'm not going to. Then he blew her knee cap off and left her laying there screaming. Then it was almost like a scene in a movie where the camera backs out and you can see everything from an angle above the scene and there were dead people laying everywhere. I think I watch too much CNN.

Come pick me up. Take me out. Fuck me up. Steal my records.

Screw all my friends. They're all full of shit.

But I still love each and every one of them. Especially this guy. I need to brag on my friends more. So here it is, my life is honestly better for knowing him. A genuinely all around great human being that I don't get to see often enough.

Here's something I've been dealing with lately: I'm usually pretty good about picking up and moving on with my emotions. Sometimes it takes a little time get over something or get it outta your head, you know... bounce back, recover. But there has been one person in my life that has completely and totally fucked me up and thrown me for the most massive loop ever. And we were only together for like 2 months, granted it was a pretty intense two months though. But on the right night I still cry about it. And I don't usually do that. Not over boys. And I don't know how to make it stop. This is a quandary for me.

And I'm so tired of this cold that won't quite go away.

I'm a little at a loss as to what to do with myself today. (God, my English teachers would have crucified me for all the little words in that sentence.)

My volunteer canceled on me because she has to do payroll for work and my assistant's at home with a soar throat and a fever. I hope to everything holy she doesn't have the flu. I'm gonna clorox this place down though, just in case.

I've got one appointment today and a fifty page grant proposal on my desk waiting to be written...

And some great lyrics that started coming out of my head on the drive here this morning.

One more day and I'm officially on vacation.

Maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me...

Just a little encouragement for you nice guys out there... Tall Josh has finally proven my theory that nice guys win in the end. We've been friends for a good five or six years, and in all that time he's attracted the most psychotic girls I've ever seen. He even had to get a restraining order against one of them. And he is hands down one of the nicest guys I've ever met. He always opens doors, shows up on time, is very complimentary, always offers to pay when out with a girl, he calls when he says he's going to call, and he's just all around super-nice. So I always thought it was kinda unfair that he got stuck with the crazy girls. I guess about a month or so ago he met a new chick who is turning out to be the love of his life, even though he won't say it. I can tell he's hoping. :) He's completely koo-koo for cocoa puffs over this girl. And she's cute too. She's all he talks about. So last night for Valentine's he went all out... cooked her dinner, had it ready and on the table when she walked in the door, had roses, candles, wine, candles around the hot tub, music, a card telling her how he felt about her, the whole 10 yards. He said she cried twice. And that makes me happy. He deserves a good girl and it gives me hope that those guys really do still exist :) And if they hold out long enough, they'll find someone who appreciates them.

Ryan Adams... swoon.

I'm a sucker for a boy with a guitar. It happens every time.

I woke up to a great drunken rendition of "Imagine" this morning.

I love my friends.

I got this in a big pink envelope on my desk today:

You are very special. I knew from the night when you were about two years old. I was carrying you in from the car and you reached up to the sky with both your tiny hands. After seeing a particularly bright star, you said, "GIMME DAT!"

Keep reaching for the stars. I am so proud of you and I love you very much. Happy Valentine's Day!

Dad

Awww. I have a good daddy.

Sometimes I am fascinated with my own psychosis. The truth always comes out, ya know. Sometimes I don't wanna think about it, I don't wanna deal with feelings, so I just think about other things but they always surface in one way or another. If you ever wanna know the truth about me or what's going on in my head, ask me about my dreams. They are crazy and screwed up but they are always spot on with whatever I'm dealing with at the time. I would be a perfect case study in dream analysis. And I know I've posted about this before, so I'm sorry if it's a bit redundant but it's what's going on in my life at the moment. I don't buy all that stuff about symbolism like if you dream about water it means blah blah blah and if you dream about a black dog it means blah blah blah. The best way I've heard it explained is that our minds create our dreams, so more than likely our dreams can tell us something about ourselves... maybe something we don't want to think about during the day or something that's just too tough for us to deal with sometimes. And in my experience, recurring themes or feelings in my dreams happen alot. Maybe it's not the same dream every night, but a recurring incident will be part of the dream, or maybe the dream will have an overall feeling that's come up before in previous dreams. For example, here's a recurring situation in my dreams from a couple of years ago and it kept recurring for a year or so: In most of my dreams there would be some situation where I would be in trouble and need help and try to get ahold of a certain person. When I tried to call this person, inevitably one of the following things would happen: I couldn't find the phone, I found the phone but the buttons wouldn't work, I would dial the number and it would be the wrong number every time, or the phone would be broken. Either way, there was no getting through. What do you think that was about? *wink*

What's cool is that after about 6 months of those dreams, I was able to talk to the person about it and as it turned out, we were having some pretty substantial communication problems. We talked it over and wah-lah! No more broken telephone dreams.

The reason for this post is because I've been noticing a new recurring incident in my dreams lately. I haven't processed all the way through it, so I'm still figuring out what it means in my life. But this morning b/w 7-9 a.m. I had a really disturbing dream involving me, my mom and the guy she's marrying. And lately all of my bad dreams have involved guns. And here's what happens every time: In one situation or another, I find it necessary to shoot someone, always in self-defense. Every time I pull the trigger, the bullet comes out and just kind of barely touches the person I'm aiming at and falls to the floor. I try to pull the trigger harder thinking it'll make the bullet come out faster and harder, but no luck. They all just fall to the floor. This morning I ended up getting shot in the forehead and wondering if the floaty/tingley sensation is what it feels like to die. There were other details that gave away the essential meaning of the dream to me, but I'm still wondering about this bullet thing. It's very strange.

I'm a very strange and complex person, I know this. I probably border on crazy sometimes. But at least I can count on my dreams to tell me the truth. And alot of times they force me to process certain feelings I'd just rather do without. Either way, I still think it's cool the way our minds work.

V-Day. Until the Violence Stops.

I am proud to announce that IAO is hosting the 2005 Annual V-Day performance of The Vagina Monologues. The performances are nightly at 7 p.m. February 25 & 26. I'll be attending the Feb. 26th performance. I'm also proud to announce my friend Cassidy from OCU will be performing the "Reclaiming Cunt" monologue. This is a must see, trust me.

Tickets are $6 and go to preventing violence against women. Go. You'll love it.

What a b-e-a-u-tiful day today is! Exactly 7 days from this minute I'll be driving to the aeropuerto and headed west for sunny California. (At least it better be sunny by the time I get there. I've had all the rain I can take in Oklahoma.) But even if it's not, I've always thought watching rain drop into the ocean was an interesting thing.

I'm on the downside of this cold thing I think, which is really good because my poor red nose can't take much more of this. It felt good to stay in last night. I slept most of the day yesterday and slept til 12:30 this afternoon. And I'll probably take another nap before it's all over. If I couldn't drink it outta my system, maybe sleep will work. And so far I'm right on.

Also, gotta give an encouraging word to Big J: Man, I guess I was lucky enough to catch you in that awkward moment between courage and regret. Just remember that every one of us has made horrible decisions at one time or another, but they don't define who we are. Chin up, kid.

This story gave me chills. Very cool.

Happy Sunday all.

There's something knocking outside my window.

It's just the wind.

When I was a little girl I was constantly scared of the dark. Bedtime was horrific. Even now I sleep with the covers over my ears. I used to plan for a break-in, an attack. I would give the scary man flowers and a kiss and he would love me. You can't kill a little girl that gives you flowers.

It's funny the things that stick with you.

Happy Friday night all. I really should be showering and getting pretty for my 3rd night out this week but I'm just takin' it easy. I've been fighting this nasty cold for the last 2 days and I'm sick of it. I don't hurt, it's just annoying to have to blow your nose every 3 minutes, ya know? I've gone through 2 rolls of Charmin with Chamomile in 2 days. Ready for this biz to be OVAH yo. For reals.

I found out some interesting news today. One of my old roommates is in prison. Isn't that lovely? She was a friend of a friend who came to live with us for a little while when she was leaving her husband. Cute cute girl. Not very smart though. She ended up hanging out with some pretty major drug dealers. It was all over for me when I came home from work one day and she and this ghetto thug were in the driveway making out in his brand spankin' new Trans Am. Her rent check bounced and we kicked her out. As it turns out in September she was convicted on 4 counts of forgery and got a 7 year suspended sentence but didn't keep up with her end of the bargain so the judge locked her up and added 20 years to her time.

Just goes to show ya what happens when otherwise good people make really really stupid decisions.

Well, I'm gonna go get pretty. I get to wear my snappy new green shirt tonight. I get excited about wearing new clothes :) I'm a girl like that. Maybe somebody will like it and buy me a drink.

I will never understand how we put a man on the moon and still can't find a cure for the common cold. I'm pretty sure it's a conspiracy just like everything else we "can't find" a cure for. The drug companies would go belly up. Yep, I'm blaming the makers of Tylenol Cold for my misery.

I guess we're all feeling a little tired and a little sentimental today. I'm with Ragan, I love my friends. We started at happy hour last night and didn't stop til midnight. Good times. Sweet Caroline even graced us with her presence... until she figured out drinking shots of Jager and Tuaca is not a good substitute for dinner and had to go home. Man, it was good to see her. We've kept in touch through friends and email but we hadn't hung out since my freshman year in college. I laughed so hard last night when she leaned over to me and said, "So is everything I heard about you true?" Ah, those were the days... the infamous notoriety you receive in small town America for breaking the mold. We're gonna need to have dinner to discuss this. :)

So the road trip is on for March 5th to see Ragweed open for Roger Clyne in Fayetteville. I'll probably go down a day early and spend some time with the grandparents (this is why I'm the favorite grandchild and always make bank on holidays). Then the party starts Saturday night. I'm a little scared. But it's a good scared. :)

Red Dirt Rangers tonight at the WD. I'm still sick, but I'm coming out. I figure why sit at home and be bored and sick when you can be at the bar and be sick. Rock n roll.

I feel so freakin' high right now. Dristan and Dayquil. Mixing this with happy hour's gonna be a trip. Let the festivities commence!

What a blast last night was. Got to watch the Magnificent Bastards at LiT. Good times all around with my boys Chad & Justin. Justin, can you teach me how to do that little twirly thing with the drumsticks? I think I'd feel like I was a genuine rock star if I knew how to do that.

Anyway, today's gonna be easy cheesey after I get this lunch thing over with. I'll probably go home and clean house and eat some vitamin C. I feel like I'm under water. I found the cure for a stopped up nose. It's called Dristan. It's good stuff. Sure it feels like you're corroding your brain if you sniff it too hard but if you're really still you can actually feel your sinuses deflating. Awesome. :) Ah, oxygen, it's a beautiful thing.

The bar crawl continues tonight. I don't know when and I don't know where, but I'll be out. Everybody come out for Macon Greyson at the WD.

All good news:

My new contacts came in the mail today. The new hydraclear's. We'll see if they're all they're cracked up to be. I sure hope so cuz I hate my old ones.

I went to dad's to see what he was willing to give me in the way of an electric guitar and he just handed me a Dean EVO. Not too shabby. He said now you know you're going to need an amp. Duh. Do you want one you can play in the house or one you can play into headphones. Headphones? Are you serious? The whole point is to make noise. Then he raised his eyebrows and showed me to the biggest baddest "firebreathing" amp he had. Ok, that's a little overboard. I've gotta be able to get it through the front door. So I got a small one that sounds pretty kick ass. Now I just gotta figure out what to do with all my newly acquired musical paraphernalia.

And it looks like I may get most of the day off tomorrow. Kerry's going home to NM for her birthday, my volunteer called in sick and we've got no appointments. I got a lunch appointment with a rather bitter old baptist woman that I'm not really looking forward to. I'm kind of curious as to why she wants to take me to lunch and I have a sneaking suspicion it's so she can do one of two things, maybe both: 1)pump me for information about the direction of our organization 2)tell me how I should do my job. Either way it's going to be uncomfortable. Maybe I'll call in sick. Hmmmmm.

Anyway, it's shaping up to be an interesting day and the weekend promises to be nothing less than a knock down drag out shenanigan.

I'm so glad it's Wednesday and it's sunny and I have absolutely nothing to do tonight (unless I wanna).

And on a completely political note, I watched a rather interesting interview yesterday with the guy who outed the Pentagon undercover-ops going on in Iran. When asked if he thought we would be declaring preemptive war on Iran he said, "When the President says he's going to spread 'freedom' throughout the middle east, believe him. Only this time he won't have the removal of a sadistic dictator to fall back on." Oddly enough, the headlines this morning read:

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said on Wednesday that Iran must live up to its international obligations to halt its nuclear program or "the next steps are in the offing. And I think everybody understands what the 'next steps' mean," Rice told reporters after a meeting with NATO foreign ministers and European Union officials.

I get this funny picture in my mind of France, Britain, and Germany on the phone with Iran trying to talk them out of their nuclear capabilities and the US standing there pestering Europe (bringing back memories of mom saying, "Don't talk to me while I'm on the phone!") saying, "What are they saying? What's going on? Did they say they'd drop it? Huh? Huh? TELL ME!!"

"What? They said No? That's it. I'm kickin' their ass."

Yep, here come the annual winter coughing, sneezing, runny nose festivities. Grrrrreat. The only thing I can do is keep the kleenex with lotion and the Nyquil handy and pray for the best.

as this boy is trouble. he smells like i want to bury my face in his neck for about three and a half days straight. he smells like reading aloud from physics texts and four in the morning cartoon marathons and unanswered telephone calls. he tastes like time wasted, unaccounted for and discussed ad infinitum. he tastes something like, "who me?"

yes. you.
(from ms. angelina)

Ah, if I could scream his name outloud and tell you the story, you still wouldn't understand.

Man, sometimes karma has a way of kickin' you straight in the ass.

For example, take this guy. He had a little hobby of taking pictures of people doing things they shouldn't be doing and turning them in. Fortunately he had a day job that paid the bills working for my dad. Coincidentally enough, so did I. And he hated it. He did everything he could to get me fired, then when dad let him go (for various work related reasons) he did everything he could to hurt the company. Well, turns out his hobby was a little more than just taking pictures and cleaning up the streets. I guess pimping sounded more glamorous. I hear he's being held on $5,000 bail. And you can write it down, before this whole ordeal is over extortion and a long list of names in a little black book will be added to the list. (He had to do something with all those videos.) He's already outed some OKCPD officers and the Assistant DA. I guess the price wasn't right. There's no telling how many guys actually put up the big bucks he was probably asking to sell them back their tapes.

I called dad to see if he'd seen the news. He said he'd gotten 10 phone calls in the last 5 minutes... and everyone was laughing. What's really sad is the guy has a really nice wife and beautiful little boy.

So here's the lesson: Don't be mean to other people. Cuz when you go down, nobody will care.

Sweet. I'm gettin' a new guitar.

And it ain't no Daisy Rock either. I want the ultra mega silver sparkley Flying V. Cause I'm a rock stah.

Yeah.

Let the self-loathing commence.

Today is just one of those days. I swing back and forth between the days when I'm going to conquer the world and the days when I don't want to leave the house. I guess that's the human condition. I don't know.

I'm not sure what's up with all the self-doubt lately. I feel like I'm 13 again some days. I thought I'd grown out of that. Work is good. We're getting it done, so that's not a problem. But I feel like everything else in my life is horribly askew. Sometimes I just have to remind myself that things can change very quickly and they always do. Nothing stays the same. So this funk can't last much longer, right? I'm so ready for the vacation. SO ready. A change of scenery tends to help. It usually reminds me that this world is way bigger than the one I live in every day and there are billions of people on the planet who've yet to make my acquaintance. I have no idea they even exist and I bet they've got some pretty good stories. So maybe I'll run into one of them on my trip outside my little box.

Anyway, should be a new moon tonight, which means a black sky. I'm thinking about running out to dad's to see if I can get him to give me an electric guitar and an amp. I need to do something loud.

Well, I've deleted 2 posts tonight. Maybe I'll feel like self-disclosing tomorrow. Maybe not.

Congratulations to all my Cowboy friends. You finally won something. ;)

Just jokes, just jokes.

What a weekend.

It occurred to me tonight that the ex called me at least 4 times last week and once this morning for no apparent reason at all. The whole wife and kids thing must be getting especially uncomfortable. So sad, really.

The whole last five days have been weirdly surreal in so many ways. Basically it's just completely affirmed my belief that you can plan and plan and everything is still left to chance. You just never know when that moment might present itself that's an opportunity to do something you thought you could never do... or maybe do something you thought you'd never have the chance to again. I've hit a couple of those moments head on, just in the last few days. It feels weird and kinda scary but I like it.

Sunday night's usually my TV night when I watch Surreal Life on VH1 and Huff on Showtime, but being that the Superbowl was tonight, everything was re-runs. Not being an avid NFL fan, I opted for Million Dollar Baby at the theater and Finding Nemo on cable (somehow I managed to miss this one the first time around), and finally the last 2 minutes of the game (those are all that matter really anyway). Million Dollar Baby was good but sad, just like I'd heard. Like grown men walking out of the theater crying sad. But for some reason I didn't get hooked into it like I thought I would. I think it's because I went into it already knowing it was going to be sad and that at some point in time there would be a dramatic plot twist. Everybody's saying it's gonna sweep the Oscars, but probably just due to Mr. Eastwood. It was good, but just a one-timer for me. Now, Finding Nemo, I was a little afraid that Merlin was never gonna find him but in true Pixar fashion, everything turned out okay. And from now on when I get in tense situations, I'm going to start speaking Whale. Yeah, I need kids. Bad.

And so begins another week. A new phase is definitely starting in my life. If this thing at work flies, it'll be because I made it fly. And if it flops, well, that's my baby too. Never in my life have I had a challenge this huge or the chance to accomplish so much. I don't know that many people my age have. So I'm just going to spend as much time with as many experienced people as I can and try to move through this thing as gracefully as possible. First thing tomorrow I'll be setting up appointments with various Dr's and lawyers who might have some good advice and start structuring this thing from the ground up. The big guys told me Saturday that we're basically re-building the organization from scratch and that they're putting it in my hands. And they think I'm the girl for the job. And if I do this, and do it right, in two years I'm taking my degrees and my experience and starting my own. And it will be as revolutionary as I want it to be.

So if you pray, pray for me. If you don't pray, send me good vibes. And if you don't have any good vibes, send me flowers. Or a strip-o-gram. Any of the above will be fine. And have a fabulous Monday, dears.

Well boys and girls, we're about to see what this twenty-five year old is made of. I've got 30 days to convert a counseling center into a fully functioning medical clinic offering pregnancy and STD testing and 1st trimester ultrasound.

This usually takes 8-12 months. They think I can have the groundwork laid in 30 days. They must have seen my Wonder Woman outfit under my street clothes.

Two words: massive raise.

I'm just gonna go ahead and admit that on bad days, I do have passive agressive tendencies. I'll put the smile on, but dammit, watch your back.

My neighbors love me.

IF YOU DON'T THEN I DON'T, IF YOU DON'T THEN I DON'T, IF YOU DON'T THEN I DON'T CAAARE! full blast and I checked, you can hear it outside.

They're really gonna like #12. SOMEBODY GET ME OUT OF HERE, ANYBODY GET ME OUT OF HERE, SOMEBODY GET ME OUT OF HERE, GET ME THE FUCK RIGHT OUT OF HERE! Awesome.

Sometimes you just need to grab a crown and coke and lay in the middle of the living room floor screaming your lungs out with Green Day or whomever you prefer to scream your lungs out with.

Thought of the day: I hhhhaaaaaaatttte dealing with self-absorbed people. Especially guys. Well, girls too. Just because you wanna talk about yourself forever doesn't mean I wanna. So STFU. Thanks.

Somebody's gonna get an earfull tonight.

Well, here we are. Friday night. What's a girl to do? My presence has been requested at both the Blue Door and the Wormy Dog. And at a board meeting at 8 a.m. tomorrow. Part of me wants to go buy a bottle of cheap wine and spend the night in my living around jumping around to Green Day. I can't take it out of the CD player. It just makes me happy. And the rest of me says I want to go out and come home a midnight (since I've already proven it can be done). I don't know. The night has yet to begin and I suppose I'll just let fate take me where it will. And hopefully it won't hurt tomorrow. :)

Well, for those of you just now getting here today sorry for the downtime. Apparently my server had a night about like I did last night and is still a little slow in recovering.

Man was I in a bad mood when I heard my plans for the evening were going to include sitting through Tucker Road in an empty bar on a Thursday night with the ex lingering over my shoulder and trying to start drunken fights with me. Luckily, by the time we got there he had gotten tired of waiting on us and went home. And then the fun began. I'm pretty sure I was playing the role of bitter girl sitting in the dark corner and being anti-social until Jeff, Steve, Dustin, and Nathan figured it out and led the Jager parade right to my table... where it promptly stayed until I was obliged to fulfill my duty of being the DD. Yes, the DD who had been drinking Jager and 151 most of the night... trust me, I was the sober one.

I've figured out why it's so easy for me to be one of the guys at the bar. It's because most of my girl friends have three, count them three drinks and need to be literally picked up off the floor and taken home. I was blessed with a freakishly high alcohol tolerance is the only thing I can figure out. That and I know when it's getting out of control and 90% of the time I stop before it gets to that point. For some reason most of my friends aren't able to do that until the puking commences.

Anyway, TGIF. And I wish I didn't have to get up at 7 in the morning. I'd do it all over again tonight.

Yeah, change in plans.

The party will be held elsewhere this evening. Let's just say I prefer a different musical selection than will be featured at The Wormy Dog.

But still, it's Thursday. It's time to par-tay.

Walkin' soles into the holes in my shoes on the sunny side of the street...

As things go, I've got about a billion things to get done today but I thought I'd get a quick post in before I dive into my "to do" list. Yeah, right. I don't have a list. Lists are the devil.

Anyway, good time in Stillwater last night. Man, I'm glad I decided to go. I don't make it up that way enough. Kevin's right, it just sucks you in like no place else. The guys sounded great last night! Yay my new friend, Justin! But I was a good girl and left at midnight just like I said I would. And I feel fabulous today. And it looks like the Grocer Named Bill and I will be hitting the WD for lady's night for a bit this evening. And it's lookin' like Mike McClure acoustic at the Blue Door tomorrow night, since I have an 8 a.m. board meeting Saturday and I have no hope of self-control during Bleu's shows.

All in all it's shaping up to be a very interesting week and it doesn't look like the weekend's gonna be too shabby either.

(In my best Kip voice:)

Peace out.

Ah, the paycheck is going here.

Let's talk about how I have nothing to do today except surf the web and eat Peppridge Farms Soft Bake Cookies (yum). The job gets like this sometimes because it involves people in crisis. And well, you can't really schedule a crisis. So some days it gets slow. And other days, of course, the sky is falling and it's our job to soften the inevitable blow. Today is not one of those days.

So let's talk about something interesting. Like religion. I'd like to think I know a bit about the subject being that I was born in a freakin' church. Ok maybe not in church, but damn near. So let's just start out with this. This is what I know as of now, that is waaay different from what I was supposed to have learned:

The Theory of Evolution is probably true. And the part of me that still needs to believe God created the world asks, "What if God created the world through evolution?" But really this is where my inner Buddhist comes out and says it doesn't matter who created what, what matters is how we live our lives.

Christianity's history is extremely violent and in general has had very little to do with "love." So it strikes me as a bit ignorant to point fingers at other violent religions.

The Bible is a book of principles, not a book of laws which you must follow to the letter. It is also a book that was written by men, divinely inspired or not, who were influenced by the world they lived in. You write what you know. And they did.

I'm still wrestling with the whole "divinity of Christ" issue, being that it's completely central to what I'm supposed to believe based on how I was raised. Honestly, my main question is how could he have been truly 100% God and 100% man without having any emotional/romantic ties to a woman? (...assuming he was hetero, which of course he was because we all know you get a one way ticket to hell for being a homo.) And how can you truly be 100% man without sinning? That's not being man. That's being 100% God isn't it. Yet, he "took on the sins of the world" during the crucifixion. So I'm a little confused about the whole dual nature thing.

It wouldn't surprise me if he and Mary M. hooked up and that part of the story got revised/left out either at the Council of Nicea or by the governance of the Catholic church at some point in time.

After much research and thought, I don't think God's got a big chalkboard making talley marks every time we screw up. And I am completely convinced the "judgment" isn't going to be this big condemnation-fest where we're humiliated in front of all humanity. I obviously do believe in Heaven. I have to.

I don't believe Muslims, Buddhists, etc. are inherently wrong. And I think it's incredibly arrogant for anyone to say they are the enlightened one and have all the answers to all things concerning God. If we could figure it out and be certain about everything, we wouldn't need a God.

And last but certainly not least, the most important thing in my life is how I treat people. Hands down. Not how I follow the rules or how good I think I can be. It's about investing in people's lives and learning how to love unconditionally.

So now you know. And that took up a good 30 minutes of my boredom. What next?

Just thought I'd post in case anybody has a spare $79 and a couple of vacation days they'd like to use. Freakin ROUND TRIP to Jamaica from Dallas, $79 if you book it by tomorrow. Travelzoo.

What? Now suddenly chips are good for us??

Man, what is going on? I felt the need to spill my guts last night (at least partially), Jefe has graced us with a rare moment inside his softer side thanks to a break up anniversary, and Josh is about to call it quits altogether due to "personal bullshit" over at How to Whine. I guess I should blame it on that horrid Hallmark holiday that's just around the corner. I have had only one even remotely interesting experience on February 14th in my life and it involved a guy I barely new and didn't even really like and ended with a kiss that will go down in the books as the worst ever. So my expectations are low.

Today looks like it's going to be an excessively boring day so I may venture into gut spilling territory once more. It may be here, but more than likely it'll be on the poetry page or the random musings and ruminations page... you know, self-preservation and taking risks without really taking risks and all that. We shall see.

I'm trying to figure out what in the hell is wrong with me and why I can't write. I'm trying to think of what it feels like and the only thing I can think of is that I can feel it all bubbling around inside of me like liquid that's building up major pressure but there's a freaking huge ass cork that's holding it all in and not letting any of it out. And I'm trying to figure out why. It didn't used to be that way. I have a million thoughts and I can't verbalize any of them. I have about a billion emotions that need out but I can't even get them together enough to put a name on them.

I want to write about these things:

Sex.
Why the love of my life left me for his wife, just like mom said he would.
Why my God isn't the lead singer or kick ass lead guitar player in a red dirt band. Or maybe why He is.
And why He's pro-choice.
And I wanna write about the Bible and the other fairytales my parents read me when I was a kid.
More sex- but this time in the car in the rain.
And how it was summer the first time he hit me.
And how our dog's name was Daphne.
And about the time I saw my sister cry for the first time when she was sixteen after my dad moved out.
About spending the two most frightening weeks of my life at church camp, pregnant.
And about why he married the next girl it happened to even though I told her she wasn't the first.
About how we all came out of it better. And different.
And about how a small and select group of my friends inspire me every single day to just be.
And fuck the world. It's ok.
And of course how I stay up most nights thinking about the boy I can't have and I still don't know why.
Maybe I'm not pretty enough.
And I probably act like I'm too smart.
And I don't know how to change these things.

And these are just a few. Are you scared yet? Just wait.

I hope it snows.

Sometimes astrology stuff freaks me out with how spot-on it can be, at least for me. Sometimes it's just total crap but every once in a while I get one like this.

So it's 'sposed to snow and freeze tonight. Awesome. I'm sleepin' in tomorrow. I'm sure the all clear bell will sound tomorrow afternoon and I'll only feel half a second of guilt for taking off work just cuz I can. And then maybe I'll head to Stillwater. But what's really ironic is my lil redheaded BFF is a nurse in a local MD's office and she found a prescription today with her ex's name on it for... yeah... Levitra. Guess she can finally say she knew him when... :)

So it looks like tomorrow night is going to be another Stillwater night. That's cool because I don't have to get up til 9 on Thursday morning. All in moderation though, still.

I'm trying to talk Rob into coming up next weekend, as it is his birthday and all. And you can't very well be stuck in a new town with nothing to do on your birthday.

I also found out The Vagina Monologues is going to be playing the weekend I get back from California. I'm very happy about this. If you've never been, you MUST go. MUST! Even if you're a guy. You'll get a kick outta it. Somehow I missed the auditions this year. Oh well. Anyway, I talked to the lady who's producing it and she said they're still looking for a venue... Oklahoma's not generally too supportive of a production promoting vaginas apparently. I gave her a couple of suggestions to try so we'll see what happens. Anyway, all of you should go because 100% of the ticket proceeds go to stopping violence against women in Oklahoma. And we all know women who are/have been in that situation. So contribute to the cause! :)

Anyway, I got the new Green Day. WOW. THAT'S how I wanna write. Maybe someday.

FYI, southwest.movielink.com let's you download one movie for free. Cool beans.