What a freakin day. Not a bad day, just a very busy day. I had lunch today with a friend I grew up with and hadn't talked to in a few months. I love it when people surprise you. She's a very hometown girl who loves the simple life. And at lunch today we discussed her dream of opening a school facility for the severly physically and mentally handicapped over 23 years of age. At age 23 the state no longer assumes responsibility for these people and any schooling or care facility they are in releases them on their 23rd birthday. Many physically/mentally handicapped yet functional people go to group homes or attend workshops where they can earn and income doing the mildest manual labor jobs. But those who are so severly handicapped that they can't feed themselves or go to the restroom by themselves are left most times in nursing homes or in the homes of relatives waiting to die at the age of 23 with no kind of activity or stimulation at all.

The reason she has such a passion for this is because she took care of a girl named Susan as a home health aid for six years. Susan has been surrounded by other handicapped children since she was six weeks old. But in December Susan turns 23 and her school days will be over. She is not physically or mentally functional so her working parents will have no choice but to place her in a hospital or nursing home.

So for an hour, Dana and I discussed grant writing and funding possibilities for starting a school for these people that is currently completely unavailable in the Oklahoma City Metro Area.

I love being surrounded with people who truly want to make a difference. I feel privileged and humbled. Maybe some of us will make a dent in this world after all.

Fall is definitely in the air. Everything's getting dry and itchy and it's time to pull out the Victoria's Secret Sweet Temptation lotion. Yummmm.

So losing one's unmentionables creates quite a quandry. I searched for ten minutes this morning for a certain article of clothing that was nowhere to be found. Now don't go getting ideas in your head, nothing even remotely scandalous could have possibly happened to it unless the mail man snuck in and stole it. It just reminds me of the episode of South Park with the Underwear Knomes. I think they've stopped by for a visit. Luckily I have more than one of this exact peice of clothing so I didn't have to go without. Because that would just be plain scary.

Have a fabulous Thursday!

Just when I thought things were getting really boring... They seem to be getting a bit more interesting.

I had a conversation with Rob last night that reminded me how much growing up changes things, especially what you look for in a relationship. I remember the days when I had to have the most rebellious rebel of them all to call my own... or at least try to. Those types don't typically take well to monogamy, but I sure tried. I look back at all that now and think how ridiculous that was and how much unnecessary heartache I put myself through. In 6 days I'll have officially lived for 25 years and I can definitely say that I now appreciate the "nice guy." And now I know why they say he finishes last... because he's the one you wanna keep. He is the last. So all that said, boys, if you do something overtly nice for a girl, or hey even not so overtly nice... whether it's sending flowers, a box of Krispy Kreams, or just simply holding a door open and she doesn't say thank you... walk away. You can do better.

I met a very nice guy named Ryan tonight. Well, met him on the phone at least. Had to reschedule the whole video thing he was shooting for us once again. Man, my clients are like the most unreliable people in the world. So I was in the middle of a melt down about my day, my clients, my life, and my computer problems at work when I had to call and ask him to reschedule. He must have sensed the shakiness in my voice and told me to calm down and take a deep breath and that everything was gonna be ok. I was like, that was really nice. I don't even know him and he's being very reassuring. I'm glad there are still people like that left in the world. And for some reason, names have played an important role in my life. It's actually kinda freaky and it's totally true. People I get along with famously... any version of these: Ryan's, Josh's, Kerry's, Matthew's... just to name a few. I mean seriously, I can make a list of all the people I know with those names (17 to be exact) and every one of them is fabulous. Now, I know it's going to be instant trouble with (any version of): Nicole's, Misty's, and Rochelle's. Same with these people (there are 12).. it's the freakiest thing. Just a weird coincidence in my life I suppose.

Anyway, thank goodness there was a Ryan in my path today. I sure needed one. :)

So. Officially I had 21 viruses. After the virus scan and running adaware... there are still 13 on my hard drive and my computer is running suuuuuper slow. I don't know what to do except gripe about it. It's like a throw back to the dial up days.

Anyway, so I just checked Kevin's blog and it seems Bleu Edmondson is playing in STW on Saturday night. It seems I always miss his shows for one reason or another. And then when I happen to make one, I'm like what the hell is wrong with me that I miss his shows? And I vow never to miss another one if at all possible.

So, I may go solo just for the heck of it. We'll see.

I had something else to say but I forgot. Carry on.

So the porn pirates have taken over my PC at work again. I was looking up some lyrics from a Tori Amos song yesterday and when I was done, I mysteriously had about 25 new programs running on my computer. So now I'm running alot slower and strange things are happening. And yes I've uninstalled the programs and I've run adaware. It's still just a huge hassle.

Anyway, besides that, it's a good day! I'm always amazed at the willingness of people to give if you just ask. For our fundraiser next weekend we've been asking local businesses to donate their services for a silent auction... So far we've got $100 in gift certificates to places like Red Rock Canyon, Pearls, & Charleston's, 2 hot air balloon rides, a night at a bed and breakfast, a free window tint, and 4 corner seats at a blazers game. And this has all happened within a matter of about 5 days. And all we've done is pick up the phone and ask. So that's very cool.

Anyway, tonight's the big video shoot for the promo (it got rescheduled for tonight). Should be interesting. I'm happy to do all the voice-over's they want but no way am I gonna be on camera tonight. But it should be a fun time nonetheless.

Don't have much to say today, obviously. I'm hungry. Where's lunch?

She's baaaack! I've been keeping her in hiding for a while now. And being a good girl is getting boring. Expect a more exciting daisy girl in the future.

Yes, I'm reverting back to the old days when Kevin would waltz up to me and say, "I think you're horny." And for good reason. :)

My interesting quote for the day from my handy dandy relationship book:
(Yes, I'm doing homework.)

"Insecurity decreases the likelihood that spouses will be happy in their marriage, while at the same time increasing the likelihood that unhappy spouses will stay married. Therefore, insecure spouses may be particularly at risk for chronically unhappy relationships."

TaDoW!

My thoughts on this topic would best be expressed in the lyrics to my favorite Trick Pony song, "I'm not the Bride,":

Throw the rice and let those white doves fly
Oh happy day, I'm not the bride!

Talk amongst yaselves.

So I'm sitting here eating my Cinnamon Toast Crunch and putting off getting ready for work. Really, I HATE the whole doing hair/make-up thing. It only takes me like 45 minutes tops, but it's still such a pain in the butt... the same thing every morning.

I'm gonna jump on the topic bandwagon this morning... Like Ms. Pinky brought up, I got lots done on my house this weekend. OK, maybe not lots, but some. My dad came over and spent a couple of hours hanging a ceiling fan and a couple of light fixtures for me. It's weird how small things will change the whole feel of the house. And last night I finally broke down and primed and painted the kitchen cabinet trim. Wow. White is a much better option than 1970's imitation oak. Muuucch better. Now if I could just get my butt motivated to paint the 20 cabinet doors.

And like Kevin says, being single affords alot of time to ponder the big questions. Beware, this makes for a verry boring and usually depressing weekend. Glad he has a better outlook on it than I do. I was actually glad to see Monday morning get here.

I had a great poem lurking around my brain last night, but I got scared and wouldn't let it out.

I love Fridays, Tomato Soup, and grilled cheese. There are lots of good movies on and it's perfect napping on the couch weather. And hopefully there will be dinner on a patio somewhere in town tonight.

I love Woody Allen movies. He says, I have this theory that too much rejection causes cancer. He might be right. :)

So I came home tonight to find that Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves was on.

Ok, so this is the movie. Like my most perfect date ever that I could think of, would be the love of my life bringing this movie over, wrapping up in a blanket and seeing where the night takes us.

My BFF Jackie and I used to watch this movie with bowl fulls of homemade cookie dough in junior high. It was where I had my first inkling of romance and chivalry and loooove. Yes, Kevin Costner made me believe in it all. And damned if it hasn't all been downhill ever since.

But that part at the end when Robin has to rescue Maid Marian and she cries out in her best British accent, "Robbbiiiiiiinn!" I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

Was she worth it?

Worth dying for.

Augh! I can't talk about it!

Have a fabulous Friday.

Yay fall! I am a happy girl!!

If somebody's going to throw something away and you take it before they throw it away, is it stealing?

Um, can someone please tell me when I became my mother??

I was standing in my hallway two minutes ago, glancing back from guest room to bedroom, bedroom to guest room and thinking, these rooms look like they've come straight out of the pages of Southern Living. OMG! I have actually become my mother!... complete with quilt and antique dresser in my bedroom, and the Battenburg lace trimmings and the picture frame set atop Acts of Light by Emily Dickinson on the nightstand in the guest room.

Oh. My. Goodness.

I remember HATING this stuff growing up. Vacations were endless hours of being drug through antique stores. It was pure torture. Now I'd give anything to have the time and the money to spend a day antique shopping. Funny how that happens. I do have one thing to be thankful for, apparently, among the women in my family good taste seems to be inherited. Hopefully it's something I can pass along to my daughter.

I have done absolutely nothing today. And when I say nothing, I mean nothing but read about this. Wow. I'm in. All the way.

Over and out.

2 things:

I think I accidentally took the night time cold medicine instead of the day time. This is going to be a looooong day.

I just heard that song with Nelly and Tim McGraw. That made me laugh. That's just not right.

Just some random kinda unrelated thoughts:

I'm feeling much better today. I don't really sound like it though. Hopefully I can kick this thing before long.

I've been talking to Jeff about Burning Man. Radical self-expression and radical self-reliance. I'm definitely going to have to look into this further. This could get interesting.

I've met some extremely cool people at school this semester. I love making new friends. Changes of scenery are always good for me.

I watched Drew Barrymore's Choose or Lose documentary last night on MTV. That was extremely cool. She was trying to answer the question, "Why don't young people vote?" But the whole premise was Drew learning about the political process for herself because she never understood it. It takes guts for a major hollywood movie chick to come out and say I only finished 9th grade, I have no education and I don't understand this stuff, but I really want to... then pursue it in front of a national audience. So that was cool to see. I for one will be up bright and early come November 2nd, casting my ballot at the poll. And then come 9 or 10 that night, I'll either be breathing a huge sigh of relief that's been coming for four years, or checking the exchange rate in Canada. We'll see.

Man, I'm kinda tired of all the drama going on right now. It seems to be everywhere. Clients, friends, family. Just drama drama drama. Everybody just take a deep breath and relax! Life is so much bigger than whatever it is you're all worked up over right now! Think happy thoughts!

And have a great Wednesday!

I'm feeling a bit better tonight. It's weird, because usually it gets worse at night. But it's cool. It may be because I feel like I'm making some sort of progress on my house. I haven't really had any time until tonight. So I'm starting on the guest room and it is soooo cozy and cute. I wanna move into that room. That's probably because there are clothes and shoes in piles all over my room and the guest room just looks so much neater and cleaner. (Whit, the blue/green combination looks perfect :) I'm gonna break down and buy some of those coral colored drawer pulls from Anthro.)

By the way, speaking of a change in the proverbial musical scene... I'm digging some Joss Stone and Jamie Cullum right now. Jamie reminds me of my long lost friend Matt who's hiding out in Nashville at the moment.

Anyway, doing a video shoot for work tomorrow night. That should be interesting. Just a short promo video for fundraising. Who wants to be my back up dancers??

Everybody have a happy hump day! And come see my house! I know Tucker appreciates all my hard work but it's just not the same...

I like this.

The crappiness is in the air. Steph kicked a dude's ass. Angelina's pondering giving up the blog altogether, and Raspil is damn near yelling. Not to mention the nice little uplifting poem Dave wrote.

I'm learning alot at school this semester. Last night we talked about Emotionally Focused Therapy. Interesting stuff. Basically, it's just getting down to the primary emotion of a thing, past the anger and the yelling, and blaming. It's getting people to see past the present reaction to the root of what's going on. Our teacher told us a story of a family he's doing therapy with right now. Mom, stepdad, dad, son, middle daughter, youngest daughter. Mom works nights, stepdad stays on the computer constantly. The kids are raising themselves. The oldest is 11. The 9 year old is in charge of making dinner every night. The 7 year old is aggressively physically abusive to the other 2. We're talking blood and bruises, all that. Dad's serving life without parole for kidnapping the nine year olds friend from school, taking her out of state and molesting her. Mom suspects the abuse happened to the kids too. Hence the therapy. I still can't wrap my mind around why these kinds of things happen. The only thing I can come up with is people are just monsters. And our lives are just one big act of regulating and trying to suppress our evil sides. I don't know.

I had a doctor waltz into my office yesterday morning looking to buy a baby for $10,000. And frankly, he let me know no price was too high. I told him the last time I checked human life was not a commodity to be bought and sold. And sent him down the road.

I'm pondering the rest of my life... Which I guess I've kind of been doing my whole life. It's interesting to see things change. And figure out how where you are now fits into the big picture... I'm starting to see it. Career and education wise I feel incredible. Great things are happening. Very exciting. I'm starting to carve out my own path.

My personal life doesn't feel so wonderful at the moment. I just feel like I put alot out there and get very little back. I'm talking about just most relationships in general... friendships... more than friendships... everything. But I know this is just a phase. And it'll be back on the upswing before long. And I don't know why but little things have been reminding me of a rather unpleasant time in my life... and I start to get sentimental. Not that I in any way want to go back there, but I guess I just wish things could have worked out differently or something. I don't know. Most of the time I just feel like all my chances are up. I've had some good things and blown them. I've had some bad things and clung to them. Who knows what will happen... just some random thoughts.

So that's my world people. More later probably.

So here it is, this beautiful Tuesday, and I've got a fever, a stuffy nose, and I can't seem to quit sneezing. I'm thinking about taking the afternoon off, but I've got a butt load to do. So we'll see.

Do you ever just feel generally crappy? And I don't know about you, but when I get that way, it seems like I just try to find things to get pissed off about. And I have all these little conversations and arguments with people in my head... like if I just had the guts to say it, I'd say this... you know, that kinda thing. But then it just hits me that it's such a waste of energy and I'm just tired and sick and it's nothing more than just feeling bad. There's no reason to take it out on other people :) I love it that I can be my own mother sometimes.

Anyway, been pondering the big questions lately. I'm sure there will be more to come about that. My only way out of this funk is to write my way through it, I'm pretty sure. Some of it will be here, some of it will be other undisclosed places. So anyway, if you'd like a window into my psychosis, check back.

Have a fabulous day.

I'm having a really hard day. It's even crossed my mind to delete the blog for some reason.

Sending me love notes might help. :)

Blanket Apology:

Too much alcohol and too little sleep made for a snippy girl last night.

Sorry to whomever was on the receiving end.

Soundtrack for the day: The Irish Fiddler. Makes me wanna dance a little jig.

Don't you love it when you move and find things you forgot you had while unpacking?

For me it's a pair of long lost jeans I've worn maybe twice. They are waaaay too long (which is really unusual for me) so I've rolled a big cuff at the bottom. Very 1962. Today is the perfect t shirt and jeans to work day. I'm going to hole myself up in my office and not come out till all my stuff's done for the fundraising dinner in 2 weeks.

I also had a great experience this weekend that proves people really can change. I'm sure he'd credit his wife of 5 years with much of it. It was incredible to see.

Have a good Monday!

Hope everybody has a fabulous weekend. Stay safe and if you're coming out Sunday, get there early. Last night they decided to forego the mystery in promise of higher bar tabs and announced it to a packed house.

Peace out homie G.

Oh Hell, no. Gimme my five bucks back.

Just like Nancy, beware. Curse words may appear.

Ok. SOMEONE'S getting a strongly worded letter. And it's not gonna be pretty.

Uh yeah. Big & Rich. Try Little, Gimmicky, & Too Fucked Up for Me to Pay $5 to See Your Asses. I swear to God, I had to bathe myself in Texas Jack on the way home. I felt so dirty and used.

Yeah, hi. I'm blond, I wear a wife beater and let my belly hang out, and wear my shades cuz my future's so damn bright. Yeah, baby. You're on the fast track to VH1's Most Awesomely Bad Songs or the prime time special of One Hit Wonders. Enjoy the blond grinding on you on stage while it lasts. And to the other dude, the mini McGraw wanna be... You CANNOT call yourself Big & Rich when you're fucking 5'5''. The only thing you guys have going for you is your badass lead guitar. And he gets to stand at the back of the stage all night. Boy needs to go solo and F you zeros because he was the only thing I even heard remotely close to worth five bucks all damn night.

Yeah. So. Tim didn't show. And hell yeah he's hot. I'm not gonna deny it. But when you're too big to come out for an hour at the Wormy Dog that's like 30 seconds from where you're staying, you're too damn big for me. Give me the boys on Sunday night any day.

The place was packed and the WD made a killing on a GD RIP OFF. (And GD is not Great Divide, people.) I'm beginning to question the whole thing now. I mean HELL. Tucker Road is playing with Badwater on New Years. The world has gone to shit and I'm either gonna just have to move to Texas and camp out wherever Bleu's playin or find a new scene.

That's all there is to it. Somebody's gotta give me some hope here. Blah blah blah, hell yeah. You ALL were right. I'll say it. I was hoping for a little acoustic redemption from the big boys because I've seen it before, and I dug it. But tonight, all I got was a token black boy rapping with some fucked up, washed out, short boys who think they can call themselves Big & Rich because the Bud Light girls were there pretending to give a shit about them.

Damn.

I'm out.

So. Having trouble focusing. Let's see. It might be the fact that I'm going to see, in my opinion, one of the hottest men on the face of the planet up close and personal tonight.

I'm a little disappointed none of you haters are coming. I mean if you've never seen him live how can your argument really be credible? But whatev.

Wooo HOOOOO! It's gonna get KaaaRaaaazy! Trust me!

Hmmmm. It's Thursday night. Where's Ashly?

Try the puddle on the floor, stage left, at the Wormy Dog.

All in all, today has been a great day. Got a pretty massive raise last night, more than I expected, so that's always nice. I'm finally to a point where I feel I'm being fairly compensated for the work I do. And it only gets better from here cuz I'm getting another one a the first of the year. My board loves me apparently.

I made a comment in one of my many blogs yesterday about wishing another person could, for just a minute, see themselves through my eyes. I got a dose of that myself last night. And it was very cool. Sometimes I think we underestimate ourselves and having another person appreciate us for the things they see in us that we might not see ourselves is a great thing. Mine came in the form of a very successful older man, whom I would consider successful in all areas of his life, expressing to me what an incredible job he thought I was doing and how much he sees in me as a person. That was a nice feeling. I've never really thought of myself as a success, especially when it concerns business, but apparently other people see things a bit differently. What an encouragement and relief that was.

So today was a good day. I think I'll revel in it. And then, when I'm finished, I'll go shopping.

Everybody come out tonight for penny beer. I'll buy ya one ;)

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Today is a fabulous day! I want to take all the people in the world and buy them a Coke.

Let's go shopping!

I don't know any girls who haven't done at least 20 out of 21 of these things...

Ok, so I'm the only person that blogged today. Interesting.

Anyway, things were really slow at work. I guess I got all the big stuff done yesterday. And tonight, yes, tonight... I get my raise! At least, that's the plan. And if not, the lovely people at DHS have a nice job waiting for me. At least I've got options.

So. I've watched every movie I own due to lack of TV, internet or cable. I'm down to Rules of Attraction and American Beauty. And those will be our special features tonight after the board meeting. I don't really watch them, I just need the noise. And I have about 14 cabinets to prime and paint. Who wants to help? Not me! I got them all taken off, so now Ms. PCH and I have matching kitchens minus the cabinet doors. Just. can't. get. motivated. But I did figure out how to work the cordless drill. At least with taking screws out. Drilling a hole will be a new adventure for me. One I haven't been successful at before. So we'll see.

Or maybe I'll put it all off til next week, since I'm going to Arkansas this weekend. That sounds good.

If you happen to be bored at work today, take a read through these cover letters. Hilarious!

Can I just be honest for a minute?

I had some rousing conversation last night about the nature of relationships that has my wheels turning and the adrenaline pumping.

Here are some random thoughts and comments:

1) I have a terribly hard time being honest at the moment.

2) I've always kind of known this, but it's really come to my attention lately that intelligent conversation turns me on. It's like out of a room of a hundred guys talking away, no matter how hot some of them are... I'll hear someone mention a book, an author, or a social topic and he becomes my sure bet.

3) I can't believe there are still people in the world (mostly I've come in contact with girls) who think that sex is the only act of intimacy on the planet. Sex means love. Without sex there is no love and vice versa. My God girls! Don't get me wrong, I've learned fairly recently how completely mindblowing it can be when it is a true expression of something very pure and real, but come on. To hold it to that standard alone? Basically I'm saying sex does not make the world go round to get it off that pedestal you've put it on. Standing alone, face to face, inches away from someone, and being completely silent can be one of the most intimate things you ever do.

Now some random rants about boys:

Boy #1: You're getting on my nerves. Possibly the most undependable person I know. You only call when you've got some random need that needs to be met. And trust me, mine haven't been met in years so quit acting like you're all that. And when you ask me how it is with someone else and I say, "different,"... just a hint, different means better.

Boy #2: I feel only mildly weird around you at this point. I know we had an awkward moment back in the day, but it's getting better. I still think you're incredible. A little unsure of yourself maybe, but still incredible.

Boy #3: Ummm yeah. Man, what I wouldn't give. You can proudly take your place among the ranks of the most intelligent people with the most talent, who spend years of their lives convincing the wrong people they're worth it. Most of the time I just wish you could see what I see. It would change your world.

And shout out's to my girls:

Girl #1: Fabulous dahling. Enough said.

Girl #2: I miss you. Come home.

Girl #3: You are one of the coolest chicks I've met in a loooong time. We are two peas in a pod and I can't wait to see how much we're going to accomplish together. We're gonna take this city by storm, I can feel it. You look good on stage and I look good on paper. You can't beat that.

That's all folks. For now. Holla back!

Yes, Viva La Revolution!

As promised.

Someone please explain:

"Miller & Fishkin (1997) asked a large group of undergraduates the same question posed by Buss & Schmidt(1993): 'Ideally, how many sex partners would you like to have in the next 30 years?' The results were consistent with those reported previously. The mean number for females was two; for males, it was 64."

Attachment Process in Couple & Family Therapy, Johnson & Whiffen

So I find this very interesting: Our mating habits are very biologically influenced. For years my argument has been that society influences the roles men and women play in the world, especially in relationships. And now I've come across a very compelling argument for the other side. And I'm not sure what to make of it or how to integrate it into my theory. Because I think it's a little of both that makes the world go round. Anyway here it is:

Men produce 500 MILLION sperm A DAY.

Women produce an average of ONE egg A MONTH.

Because men have such a large proclivity to procreation, how do they make their selection? By choosing a mate that has the best chance for fertility (i.e. youth and attractiveness).

Because procreation is so physically and temporally (time) costly to women, how do they choose a mate? By choosing one that has the most and best available resources to commit to her and the offspring.

So apparently we've been programmed biologically. Guys can't help the fact that they like young girls with big boobs. And girls can't help the fact that, yes, we like money and power. So how bout this... next time you wanna make a comment about what a nice rack I have, whip out your check book and we'll call it even! :)

Hello Monday morning! How are you?

I have never been so glad to see a Monday morning in ALL MY LIFE. The week that very closely resembles the place where the bad people go is finally over and behind me. With a little elbow grease from my fabulous friends Whitney and Andrew, I got moved lickety split. Well, almost. Anyway, seriously thank you guys so much. Never in my life have I had friends just pitch in because they wanted to when I didn't even ask.

Then I got left alone in my big (for me) silent house for 3 days. No TV, no computer. Just me and thoughts in my head. Not good times. Not much sleep either. I still haven't found the motivation to unpack even one box. But I figure it will eventually happen.

I hope everyone's weekends went fantastically and that Ryin's day got better, that all the boys had some good sunrise conversation about religion while intoxicated, and that Ragan and Melisa made it back from Austin in one piece.

My sister, on the the other hand, called last night to say she'd broken up with boyfriend number ummm... let's call him 15, because potential boyfriend #16 is coming to town this weekend. That's right babe, break it off so you don't have to cheat on them. We definitely share the same blood. No. Wait. I would have just cheated and lied about it. So good job big D. Way to be morally responsible.

Everybody have a good Monday and I'll probably be back... seeing as I've missed my beloved blog for like 4 days now.

I'm committing myself to more revolution on Monday... The Bema.

Ok that broke my heart.

I just took Tucker to the new house and he is none to happy about his new digs. For the first ten minutes he did nothing but throw his body against the living room windows and fall flat on the floor trying to get out. That was not pretty. So I picked him up and carried him around the house for a while, trying to get him to calm down but he just kept yelping and hissing at the empty rooms. Finally he crawled into the very back of his litter box and laid down. He won't come out. He's probably still there. And he'll probably be there all night.

Upon my Last Night in my Little Apartment

To believe your own thought, to believe what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men- that is genius. Ralph Waldo Emerson

So some things have got me thinking. A long long time ago when I used to get up at the butt crack to go to work in the corporate world, I caught a segment of an interview Katie Couric was doing with two twenty-something girls who had written a book about the early mid-life crisis twenty something's go through. It was about how our generation like none before it is playing different rolls in our twenties and having to carve out new paths for ourselves. Gone are the days of getting married at eighteen and settling down to have babies and clean house (for the girls) and beginning the long steep climb up the corporate ladder in a mediocre sales job (for the boys). Now in our twenties, we are forgoing baby showers and station wagons for master's degrees, home networks and portfolios of various kinds. Our children have become our dreams, our desires, our goals, and our drive to achieve something our parents didn't. I look around and I see it everywhere.

I think of my current circle of friends and acquaintances... I think of our jobs, I think of our dreams. And with every person that comes to mind, hands down, there's that sentiment of something bigger lingering just over the horizon. Something that will happen when all the pieces fall into place, when the right people and the right resources finally come together, when we've brainstormed for long enough that the solution becomes as simple and attainable as owning your own dot com. And true enough, some of us are able to do all this with new families in tow. Some of us are legally and permanently attached and some of us are on our way to Mr. & Mrs.ville very quickly. And others of us are still wondering if there is anyone else out there crazy enough to come along for the ride. But regardless of whether or not we get a marriage penalty or a child tax credit, we all have gone or are going through a serious time of self discovery. This comes along with much doubt, fear, and insecurity. It inevitably involves the feeling of having to prove your worth to a world who has labeled you and your peers as a nameless generation. A lazy generation. I look around and I just don't see it. I see innovative, creative, driven people, some who aren't even old enough to rent a car on their own, yet they've got a business up and running with clients sometimes running out of their ears. And it starts with a drive... a feeling that something more is out there, and just like Whitney said tonight, "You have to be willing to starve in the beginning." But it's ok because you feed off your dreams and that motivation to be something no one has been before you.

We are all unique in our own ways. Tonight sitting among a group of thirty relatively educated people discussing social issues, I realized something that Whitney had to put into words for me a few weeks ago. I have been incredibly fortunate that I have received a very expensive and world-class education- for free. Not many people have that at their disposal. And like the saying goes, "To whom much is given, much is required." And that drives me in my purpose in life. I have been very fortunate in my life experiences so far with the knowledge and the insight I have gained. What am I going to do with it? That is the question that greets my feet when they hit the wood floor every morning. What are you going to do today to change your little square of the world? And most days I fail to do much of anything. Burn out, exhaustion, emotion, and flat out just not caring gets in the way sometimes. And this is why I think it's necessary for all of us to remember that we don't have to prove anything to anybody. We can be young and innovative and still take our time. It's when we become overloaded and overwhelmed with the things of our life, that life itself starts to get lost among the macs, the PC's and the expense reports. So take my advice, every once in awhile, when the time affords itself (and if it doesn't, make it), make some waffles for breakfast and go get back in bed. You'll have more energy to change the world.

Healing time.

If there's one thing I've learned throughout my life it's that sometimes you have to slow down and let yourself feel your way through certain situations. Sometimes when things get stressful, old wounds surface that you thought healed long ago. It becomes clear that some things never truly go away. But we learn how to live with them and use them for good in our lives. But until we reach that point, it's ok to slow down and hurt for a minute, knowing it's not going to last forever.

So I made some delicious waffles for breakfast and now I'm going back to bed. The work can wait. The world will go on, and so will I.

I'm having serious motivation issues. I slept til 11 this morning. And I've done nothing but watch tv, pack 2 boxes, and eat cookies since then. It's 1p.m. Here's my list of things to do after I get finished sitting on my ass:

1) Keep packing
2) Finish painting baseboards at the new house
3) Figure out how to work the cordless drill and take the cabinet doors off.
4) Do the primer on the cabinet doors.
5) (This should really be #1 or #2) Write 5 page paper due tomorrow night.

I really need a nap.

Oh dear.

Random thoughts derived from paint fumes:

I've inherited a few things from my mother, one being class. Not snobby, turn up your nose class, just common sense class. Of course I've abandoned it at times. But I try not to make a habit of it.

I've come to the conclusion there's pretty much nothing I can't do. Except make my cordless drill work.

Sometimes having the best things in the world can be a let down. It's wonderful when you have them, but when they go away you know you'll never have anything that good again. And that's hard. And I'm trying to hope it's a lie.

No place is exempt from tears. Not even amongst all the retail goodness in the check out line at Walmart.

Sometimes I want to just open my mouth and let all the truth spill out. But in my mind I always hear the words, "You're a really cool girl, but..." and other various phrases that contain the word "friend." [Even though I've only even had the chance to hear those words once in my life.] And at that moment you couldn't pay me 3 million dollars to tell you the truth. Just goes to show you how far a little rejection will go.

I really do feel like I've lost my dad.

There's a book laying on my floor that's been there for a week. I won't read it because I think it's BS. It's probably not but I already have preconceived negative notions toward it. So I guess I'll never know.

I keep putting off packing all my stuff. I wonder why... something in me doesn't want to leave this place.

I hope I'm never anybody's default. I have one and Ragan says I talk about him too much. I discovered today that I only talk about him when I've got nothing else to think about. And for the last few months I've been totally preoccupied with several things so I don't think his name has really come up. I think people romanticize that kind of long lasting dull attachment as love when really it's nothing but boredom, fear, and familiarity. But what do I know?

One of my best friends in highschool lost his dad a week ago tonight. I hope when I'm married and have children that their friends feel as welcome and as a part of our family as I did theirs. I can't wait for the day I have kids and they bring their friends home with them for dinner. I want my house always to be a happy place.

Enough. Enough. Got too many things I'm putting off. Happy Hump Day everyone!

Capitalism at its best people. We Americans will sell anything. Empty tupperware, prayers, even broken roof shingles.

Which just reminds me of what a guy said on VH1's Awesomely Bad Songs about Toby Keith's Red, White, & Blue...

We'll put a boot in your ass, it's the American way? That's not the American way! We'll take that boot, convince the rest of the world it's cool and sell it to them. That's the American way!

Ashly's Home Remodeling Project: Part 5,358

Ok. So I'm taking the rest of the week off. I've made an executive decision to have the majority of the house done and ready to move in by Friday or Saturday.

This means my Arkansas trip has been pushed back until next weekend. Anybody who wants to come along for the ride is more than welcome. We'll be pimpin' the Excursion and I've got enough beds for 2 or 3 more people. The grandparents are always ready to spoil me and whomever I might bring along. (I'm still the first, spoiled rotten grandchild.)

Anywho. I plan on being exhausted until about 3 weeks from now. And broke too. Boone's Farm is starting to look realllly good.

My whole body hurts.

Remodeling a house is hard work apparently. :) Mom and I were both tired today. There was a bit of snippiness in the air. It was a rather tense and tiring 8 hours. So 16 hours into this deal, I'm utterly exhausted, but the house looks awesome... on the inside at least. I have to keep telling myself I can't do it all at once. Because I'm that kinda person. I wanna do it all. Right now. This very second. And why aren't you helping me?!

So sometimes I just have to take a deep breath and slow down :)

I'm feeling kinda mixed up emotionally tonight. I think I should journal. And while I'm talking about it, I need to reiterate to you people who are worried about work and such with your blogs. Having a 2nd anonymous blog is one of the best things I've found to really say the things you want to say. Nobody (of significance in my life) will ever find it (unless I give them the address) and there is no email linked to it and no links or hit counters. Just pure, raw honesty. It's something to think about. I love it. Couldn't live without it. Hope the holiday is going well for all of you!

[I need tips on how to get paint out of hair. Help!]

Holy freakin cow. Who knew painting would be such a job? Well, I suppose alot of people did. Just not me.

I painted for a solid 8 hours today. I'm tired, I'm sweaty, I'm stinky, and covered in Ivory Sampler. It's in my hair, it's on my clothes, and on my face, hands, arms, and legs. I figured out that it does not behoove how shall we say, um, full figured gals to take their painting lightly. Let's just say there were a few times when standing on my tippy toes to reach the top of the wall, I left an impression. :) These are things that have to be considered.

But thank God the majority of the house is done. We painted the living room, dining room, and hallway. Got 3 bedrooms to do tomorrow... small bedrooms thankfully.

And Pinky, I've thought about it and if you wanna do pink stencil in the bathroom let's do it. I'm about dying for it now. That would be perfect. I'm thinking damn near hot pink. And that perfect white shower curtain. I WILL have the cutest house on the block, have no fear.

So everybody have a good labor day weekend. And try not to labor too much. Unless you're me.

Ok. So. I just finished watching Sylvia. I've got to say, it was the same experience I have of movies based on books I've already read. I feel like it barely scratches the surface. I'll like to know what research this screenplay was based on. That would be interesting to know, although I didn't see anything portrayed blatantly controversially. I need to read Birthday Letters. (Hughes' poetry collection about his relationship with Plath that was publish in 1998.)

I'm not a Hughes fan. Never have been. And I've heard that his book wouldn't help matters. But all in all I liked the movie. The only thing I would have changed is that it would have concentrated more on her childhood, the death of her father, and her early suicide attempts. Other than that it was a good flick.

Also, more than likely makin a road trip to NW Arkansas (Rogers, Springdale, Fayetteville...) to pick up some things for the hacienda next weekend if anybody wants to come with... :)

#2 reason I'm a dork:

Late at night I crack myself up. I laughed for a good 5 minutes tonight at my Speedy Gonzales impression:

Àndele! Àndele! Yeeee-pie yeeee-pie! Speedy Gonzaleeees!

Curse this war. Goddamn this war! -The Mark on the Wall, Virginia Woolf

I was trying to give him directions to my house standing in the midst of a crowded cafe. People were ordering, cooks were shouting orders, and registers were chinging. He was slow to answer. I heard his hesitation even amidst the noise of the hectic lunch hour that surrounded me. He said, "I'm sorry, I'm a little unfocused. I was woken up at 5a.m. this morning by a phone call saying my son's battalion had rolled over a land mine in Baghdad. He made it out alive and that's all I can say right now." Then he carried on with the business of getting the directions down.

He called me thirty minutes before we were to meet to ask me if we could reschedule for two hours later. "Sure, no problem," I said. Then he explained to me that he was having his son's truck worked on so it would be perfect once he made it home. Just perfect. He won't have to worry about a thing.

When we had finished that night at my house his phone rang. It was his wife. I heard him tell her to calm down and try to speak more coherently. I was standing two feet away from him, money in hand to pay him for services rendered, and I saw his fifty year old eyes well up with tears. After he hung up the phone he explained, "The doctors have just sewn his tongue back on and his left retina has been shredded. So he'll be needing a glass eye. The three before him were killed. He was the fourth. Somehow he made it out alive. He's on a plane to Germany now where the doctors will do what they can for him. Then he'll fly to Washington and that's where we'll meet him." Then he said, "I need to sit down a minute." And he opened the door of his truck and heaved all his weight into the driver's seat. He was quiet for a minute then he looked straight into my eyes and said, "I hate this war."

Laundromat Memories

Who would have thought a simple pair of appliances could make my day? I suppose that's when you know you're grown up, when you get excited over a washer and dryer. I am now a proud owner! :) You have no idea how happy this makes me. Gone are the days of dodging the freaky mexicans who like to stare at me while folding my unmentionables. Gone are the days of taking two hours out of my day to wash clothes. Gone are the days of washing said unmentionables in the bathtub to forego that process.

At 5 p.m. today, I will be a new woman. A new woman with a washer and dryer AND AND AND... a dishwasher! I may never leave the house again!!

Well boys and girls, today is the 1st. And you know what that means!!! I am the official occupant of a new house. Ok, not new. But new for me :) I'll probably start boxing things up and taking them over tonight and the big paint party will commence at some point in the weekend.

And thanks for all the encouraging comments on my writing project. I've known for a long time I should put it out there I just didn't think I could organize my thoughts enough to get it done. But it's getting there. And I figure at least someone else should benefit from all the crap I've gone through to get to the place where I can say those things...