This dirty city is burning down in my dreams/Jesus of suburbia is a lie.

AKA Angry Liberal Chick Rant

"Playing devil's advocate" in a classroom tightly pack with thirty females is just asking for trouble. It got personal, and it's about to get even better. I said some of it there, I'll say more of it here.

The question was: Is third world country immigration a threat to US culture? Simple question. Girls being the way they are, we went off on about a million tangents concerning legality/illegality and immigration laws. I was surprised I was the first/only one out of the thirty of us to speak up and say No one's answering the question. So we got back on task for about five seconds. Then 2 girls in front of me and beside me started saying in a very attitudinal/bitchy tone that if those Mexicans are gonna run or paddle across our borders just to drop their litters here they sure as hell better try to learn the language because they're tired of having to listen to the Cingular customer service chick say "Para Espanol, marque tres." Most of the class chimed in with support. I found one ally out of the whole bunch. Ok, maybe two. And it became clear to me more than ever that I just don't fit in.

I am officially a dirty liberal and I have no patience for girls who find their meaning in life through their corporate cushy jobs and their designer shoes and expect Juan, who mows their lawns for 6 bucks an hour just so he can buy his kids some new shoes because the old ones are full of holes and they're having to patch them with cardboard in the winter, to speak American English just so she won't be inconvenienced when she opens up her big fat checkbook to pay for the landscaping job. And while we're on the subject girls, you need to realize that you were educated in the only civilized country on this planet that requires their children to learn only one language. And that's because we're greedy, selfish capitalists and our way is the only way, the dollar is God Almighty, and if it doesn't make me money or cut my taxes, it's not worth dirtying my perfectly manicured nails with. And you're just riding a spoke on that big shiny wheel, babe. So here's my advice, go get your little quicky MBA degree and get outta my class.

Thanks.

End rant.

Well boys and girls, it's about 4 p.m. and I think I'm about ready to close up shop for the day... at least at work. Still got a long night of driving and class ahead of me, but hopefully I'll just be able to sit and soak.

I read an article today on Yahoo about how high school kids today don't really see much value in the 1st amendment and that their teachers and parents think free speech is more important than they do. Of course I have a few questions about this survey... was it a public or private high school... how old were the kids... and what state did they live in, just to name a few. Even so, I've heard today's kids are more responsible fiscally and socially than we, their predecessors, were. That kinda makes me sad. High school is the time when you're allowed to raise Hell. Sure, you might get in a little trouble once in a while but people generally understand. That's what you're supposed to do at that age. You have the rest of your life to be safe, responsible, and cautious. Don't you want to have some good stories to tell the grandkids? I do. And I've got 'em. It's ok, rattle of an "s" word during class and see what happens. Apparently you're more offended by it than even your teachers are! That just reminds me of a high school creative writing class I sat in on one time in college. The teacher told the kids he had no problems with them using curse words as long as they didn't use the F word and they used them in creative ways in their assignments. I dig that.

Kids, I'm not asking you to burn your beloved American flag or go protest the war on the Capitol steps. I'm just asking you write a really good and thoughtful essay on the history of names for the male sex organ. Or maybe paint a picture of a naked lady and enter it in your schools art contest, that's all. You have the rest of your lives to live in a red state if you wanna. Have some fun while you can.

Just another manic Monday...

I spent all of my morning and the first part of my afternoon designing new brochures for work. That was fun. Man, what would I do without the internet. I'm slowly realizing I've become addicted to instant gratification. I've got a board member whose son can do the graphic design, another one who can see about getting the printed donated. But in 3 hours I can design my own exactly the way I want it, push a button and get a thousand of them to my doorstep for just over $300. Done deal.

Man, I'm starting to wish I would have scheduled my vacation for next week instead of 3 weeks from now. I need outta this place. The weather's yucky, work is stressful, and I'm only 2 weeks into school and already dying for summer break. Whine whine whine. I know.

I had something else to say but now I can't remember. My short term memory has been severely affected over the past year, as well as my joke getting ability. I've learned to just nod and laugh. Yeah, I get it. They say it's stress. I think I'm driving myself crazy.

I listed some old textbooks on half.com two years ago. One of them sold today for $40! Who wants to go out for drinks? Woo hoo!

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Do you dream of finding the perfect love? Then settle in with the Love Stories Channel and find real romance. Blech.

Click.

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You know what I love about that first glass of wine? That tingley warm feeling that starts in your hip flexors and radiates down to your knees. You don't even have to stand up to feel it. It's warm and yummy and I love it.

Well, here I am 11:45 p.m. at home on a Saturday night in the big city. In just a few minutes when I put my phone on silent and turn off the lamp, I will have successfully avoided every single action-packed second of all the drama spread out across this city that is inevitably occurring even as I write this. As the dark forces would have it, because I had already decided to stay in tonight I received no less than 4 invitations to participate in various forms of debauchery this evening. I can sit here for a month without hearing from anyone saying, "Hey let's go out and do something tonight," (other than the usual suspects which have become somewhat routine). Then of course, the one night you trust your better judgment and stay in for a night with your oversized fleece and a pay per view, all the interesting players come out of the woodwork. But being a bit older and wiser than I used to be, I'm just grateful to be home in one piece enjoying a completely uneventful evening-- ex-boyfriend free, ex-wife free, current wife free, and most importantly completely sober.

Exactly 3 weeks from tomorrow I will be strolling along the streets of Laguna Beach, ducking into ocean front coffee houses for raspberry mochas while contemplating why in the world I didn't take a year off to move before starting grad school, and why God couldn't have made me a free spirited artsy/painter type that thrives off sleeping on other people's couches until she hits the big time and moves into the Chelsea. But knowing me, eventually I'll resign myself to the path I'm on and trust it's the right one because it feels uncertain and certainly didn't come easy. And in my experience if it comes that easily, I'm probably settling for something less than was supposed to be.

So I've made it to Sunday morning and it's time to say goodnight. So to all my girls trying to make sense out of brand new and confusing feelings, and all my boys trying not to cry at sad songs, and all of my friends everywhere just trying to make their piece of the world a little bit better, sleep tight.

Here's something that is the total truth which most of you will never read because it's Saturday. Lucky for you, I go out on Friday nights and feel the need to post my deepest darkest:

There was a certain individual today who called a couple of times... a certain individual I was avoiding for certain reasons (and no, it was not the ex)... after big Cody got to me tonight I decided it was time to leave at the very least a voicemail. It's funny but I'm much more agreeable after a few drinks than I am without said drinks. I end up saying things like, "I appreciate you," and state my case in a much more "healthy" manner than if it was 5 p.m. Instead of saying, "You know what? Fuck you!" I say, "I want you to know I really appreciate this about you (insert list of positive character qualities here)... but,l really need you to (insert complaint here)..." I'm way too nice sometimes. This is what I'm realizing. But, alas. It's me.

Like I always say, "The nice guy finishes last, but hey, h/she finishes!"

We'll see.

And God love him, but Mr. C slobbered all over me on the way back from the bathroom tonight. :) I guess at least I can say I've been licked by a drunk rock star!

When was the last time you had someone sack your groceries, push them out to the car, and load them in the trunk for you?

I felt like I was a little kid again.

Stuff like that just doesn't happen these days in the era of the self-checkout lane at WalMart.

Tomato soup and grilled cheese while you're sitting in bed watching it snow. The only thing that could make this moment better is chocolate. :)

Meanwhile, in the Bat Cave...

Phone rings nine a.m. Blah blah blah. Work work work. That's all some people ever do and they think they're gonna drag me into it too. "Wow a guy in front of me just slid off in the ditch."

Me mumbling from under the covers: "Wow, is it wet out or something?"

"Um, wake your butt up and look out the window."

Man, Rick Mitchell was WRONG. I'm gonna put on my snow boots and go make angels. YAY! More snow! Finally!

Hello boys and girls. I'm comin' atcha live and loud from the bedroom. That's right, ma touche chambre. You are intrigued, no? Well, here's the deal. It's the only warm room in the house. Since my ever helpful landlord left the office early today leaving me without heat on a night it's going to snow in parts of the state, I plugged in my trusty dusty oil heater so I didn't have to spend the night chattering my teeth in my sleep again. It's nice and cozy in here while the rest of the house is a cool fifty degrees, if that. I dig the laptop in bed thing. It makes me feel strangely connected/smart/high tech for some reason.

Anyway, a friend of mine did an incredibly rash and completely emotionally driven thing today, all for a boy she wanted to see. It was really cute. And it reminded me of my younger days, throwing caution to the wind, driving all hours of the night to see someone, just to stay out til 6 a.m. and sleep through class the next day. In my book, there's always a place for shutting down the good little voice in your head and just doing it... spur of the moment... spontaneous like. Those are the things memories are made of. Like the stupid times in high school and you know you all did it too, driving to the state line and taking pictures by the Welcome to Texas sign and the huge adult book store nearby only to turn around and drive right back home, just to say you did it. It's the spice of life (spontaneity, not driving to the Texas line).

I flaked out on my party plans tonight which I'm really sad about. I wanted to have the whole "driving home on Highway 51 in the dark, moon high overhead, drunk out of your mind, connecting with nature and pondering the deep questions" experience, but I just didn't have it in me. All my friends are out partying their asses off as we speak. And I'm sitting at home writing on the internets. That makes me a bit of a poindexter. Oh well. Tomorrow night, dears. And as it turns out, I have a bit of work to do tomorrow on my day off. No fun for me. I have to work Sunday morning as well. I guess that's the price you pay for runnin' the show. I guess I can live with it. :) You know, take one for the team and all that.

I'm out like sour kraut.

Fabulous. My heater's gone out.

I'm cold.

I'm sitting here looking at a little package of Lifesavers. I never noticed this before. Their slogan is "The candy with the hole." Does anyone else find this a bit creepy?

So what started out as a nice calm evening of dinner and conversation turned into hey let's see how many bars we can go to and how many British beers we can drink before closing time! So now I'm seriously contemplating trying out those little pills you can supposedly take before you start drinking and be hangover free the next day. Yeah right. Doubtful. But anything's better than feeling like the contents of your stomach could make their debut in the world at any second. We've GOT to move this party to the weekend. No more Wednesday nights. :)

And HO-LEE COW I must have done something to the thermostat at 2 this morning and not remembered it. I woke up at 6a.m. noticing I had burrowed myself into a little cocoon made of blankets and was still shivering. Check the thermostat. Yeah, it's 58 degrees in my house. Good one Ash. Crank it up and with the state of the art heating system that's in my house, by 8 a.m. it was 64. By the time I walked out the door it was perfect. Figures.

OMG I feel like I'm gonna hurl.

Good Lord!

Thank you for calling Chili's where we make great food to go. Can I take your order?

Yes, I'd like a Buffalo Chicken Salad.

Ok, one Cobb Salad.

No, a Buffalo Chicken Salad and that's it.

Ok, one Buffalo Chicken Salad. Is that it?

*sigh* Yes.

Can I get your Name?

Ashly

Ok, Andy.

ASHLY.

And Ashly can I get your phone number?

***-7789

***-7783?

7789.

Ok, it'll be ready in about 20 minutes.

**HUFF** Dial tone.

I went to bed at 7:45 p.m. last night. I have no idea what was wrong with me. I got home from dinner w/ a friend, sat down on the couch and nearly passed out. So I thought, I'll move this party to the bedroom. I fell asleep instantly and that never happens to me. About nine p.m. I got an MMS of Ragan literally screaming his head off like a lunatic that he'd apparently sent from work earlier in the day. Then three more delayed text messages followed. So much for sleeping straight through. But I soon slipped back into unconsciousness and had some karaaazy whacked out dreams. I can't remember all of them right now but I know one of them involved one of the "nice guys" I screwed over in my bad girl years and he still loved me. Wasn't that sweet? :) Oh yeah, another one was back at CHA with a bunch of older girls I never talked to, Mr. Rehrig, and Dr. Smokewood from OCU. Apparently I had completely forgotten to put on my makeup that morning and didn't realize it til I got to school. I wouldn't step foot in the classroom without my make up but Mr. R said I couldn't go home to fix myself up. Luckily, I found Dr. S and she snuck me out and let me borrow her car. Now that's one I need to analyze, old v. new, control v. freedom, I'm sure there's a gem in there somewhere.

And now for more relationshippy crap. :) I understand why you boys spend all of your single years afraid of rejection. I can't even imagine what it would be like to have to make the first move every time and possibly get shot down. As a girl, I'm kinda used to having everything come to me, and then working it from there. I've only made the first move once. And I will never do it again (at least while I'm sober). It was a total bust. So all that talk from guys about girls asking guys out and making the first move and all that, whatever. If you want me, you'll probably have a pretty good idea if I want you or not, and you can come get me. Rejection is for the birds. And definitely not for me.

Happy Hump Day!

The better angels of our nature...

Kerry brought something to my attention this afternoon. In discussing politics and the state of the world at large, she reminded me of the women in the Conga and in the Sudan who are being raped over and over every day in their homes and in "rape camps" and are left alone to starve as outcasts in their families and in their communities for something they have no control over. Thankfully, there is an organization dedicated to helping these women all over the world. Women for Women, Int'l provides sponsorships that finance a woman learning to read and write her name, as well as various vocational skills. They also provide small, no interest business loans to finance business ventures for these women as they try to support themselves in war torn countries. So we're sponsoring one for now and hope to add others later.

And I'm off to buy XL maternity clothes for women here in the city in need. :) Today is just one of those days when you just wanna help, so you do. Say something nice to someone else today, just 'cuz. You'll love it.

YOOWZAH! What a morning! I get to meet all kindsa people at my job. I love it. It just reminds me that humanity is inherently interesting and everybody's got a story that needs to be heard. I should compile a collection of stories that come from random people who have no connection to each other and publish it. It would be very interesting. Maybe I'll think about that.

I tell ya what, Kerry's turned out to be top notch. She's bringing me take out from Aloha Garden as we speak. I think about her every time I see that American Airlines commercial that shows the two guys making a mad dash through the airport because they just realized "McClain" was on his own doing a presentation in Chicago. As they're running through the terminal you see a sign that says, "Saving your boss from himself." That's me. I don't know what I'd do without her.

And I have more thoughts provoked by Dr. Henderson last night. We were talking about love and finding beauty in the most unlikely of places. And I found this point coincidental as well, because I was just having a conversation with the ex the other night about how I've changed over the past year and I couldn't quite put it into words until last night. I knew I'd been more open to the possibility of exploring relationships that were a-typical for me, outside my realm of comfort I guess you could say... relationships with people who weren't like me, or who came off as disconcerting in the beginning, but becoming patient enough and valuing them enough to get through all the rough layers to the good stuff.

And Dr. Henderson gave the best example of that last night. He asked us all if we'd seen "E.T." And of course everybody said yes. He said it's one of his favorite movies and he remembers seeing it in the theater when it came out. He actually cried because he didn't know if ET was gonna make it home and he said the whole theater was cheering at the scene of ET on his bike, flying home... and he said, "By the worlds standards, E.T. is about as ugly and unattractive as you can get. Yet millions of people in theaters across the world were emotionally connected to him and cheering on this fictional ugly alien to find his family. If I can't find beauty in a living, breathing human being, it's because I chose not to."

And that's what I was trying to say to Cody Saturday night. I've thrown out the list... the height, weight, hair color, salary requirement, and musical taste. I'm finding beauty in places I never thought to look before. I've lost interest in typical things.

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I've just had my very first sushi. I like. :)

Class nights are always good nights for introspection. The 45 minute drive home always proves productive in this respect because my wheels have already been turning for a good 2 hours. Tonight was the first meeting of my "Current Problems" (in human relations) class. Dr. George Henderson is the teacher and also the man who founded the program back in the sixties. I have a really strong feeling he's going to quickly be added to the very short list of teachers who've changed my life. He said some amazing things tonight just to "develop a relationship" with us before we even started talking about the class or the syllabus. More on those things later.

He did say one thing that stuck with me on the drive home. You're not fully human until you've found another person with whom you have fully self-disclosed. And it's interesting that he said that because that's been on the top of the list of my BIG QUESTIONS lately. It's about telling your secrets. And not just the pretty ones. I can honestly say that there is not one person on this planet that I have told all of my secrets. True enough, there are a couple of people who have pretty good chunks of them. But nobody's heard it all. And they're dying to get out. And I think about alot of the married people I know as well. Most of them have monsters lurking in their closets that their spouses don't know about. And this just adds one more thing to the list: I cannot, will not, commit my entire life to someone I don't feel comfortable sharing all my secrets with. And at the same time I can't wrap my mind around that kind of love. Does that exist? To lay it all out there in the open, all the disgusting, embarrassing, shameful things no one knows about, and still have someone love you?

Unconditional Positive Regard, kids. It's a goal. My goal. Now just to find someone else who feels the same way...

So yeah, I'm workin' hard today... tryin' to figure out just exactly how I'm gonna spend all the newly acquired cash in my pocket. As of now, it looks like Hotel Laguna is the winner. Not only will I be able to lay in bed and watch the waves, I found another site that lets me do it at a pretty good discount. And check it out, I'll be getting my chakras aligned while I'm there, in between trips to the art galleries that line the North and South Coast Highways. I'm ready to go tonight. More realistically it'll be Feb. 20-24th. And I'll make it back just in time for the weekend party. Life is good.
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Actually, I just booked the writer's room at Casa del Camino. Awwww yyyeeeaaah. With wireless access in every room, you'll be gettin plenty of pictures to cuss me for being in So Cal while you're stuck... wherever you'll be stuck.

I awoke bright and early at 8:19 this morning. I thought I've still got 10 minutes, I'm not getting up. But then the other little voice in my head said Quit being lazy. You're already awake. You might as well get up. So I did. And I dragged myself into the living room for some early morning pilates. And you'd think twenty minutes of sweating would wake you up. Nope. I still wanted to get back in bed.

Anyway, I got to work this morning and to my surprise two of my little worker bees got here early and were working away when I strolled in at five minutes til. And one of them had brought me a cinnamon crunch bagel from Panera. It's going to be a good day. And I just realized this morning that I'll actually be in Norman tonight fighting the traffic for the big game. I'm not too excited about that. But it's the first night of class so I can't very well skip. Ah well, I hope we win.

Now back to planning a la vacation.

Boring Sunday nights seem to be the norm around this place.

I know people with spouses, children, and high profile jobs who would kill to sleep in, do dishes, nap, and camp out on the couch on Sundays. I, on the other hand, am tired of it. It gives me entirely too much time to obsess about totally un-obsess-worthy things in my life. Like my next vacation. I keep putting it off for a number of reasons. I don't wanna break the bank at work, but the cash was part of the agreement from the beginning. So I need to just book the flight and get on with it. I think it'll be good for everybody involved. And by everybody I mean me.

So I did pilates yesterday morning and yeeeeOWW! I hurt today. But it's a good hurt, ya know. And if all goes as planned, I'll drag my butt outta bed 20 minutes early in the morning to do it again. I'm tellin' ya, 2005 is gonna be the year of my transformation. Me, amplified. New and improved experiences. And with the addition of Pei Wei and PF Changs, more chinese food.

I'm out.

Feelin' that tooshie

I had a pilates buddy today, as you can see. Although, I did last a bit longer than he did with the whole thing. Man, I remember when the 20 minute workout was no sweat. But I guess sweating is the point, right? I'm going to try to force myself to the floor at least 3 times a week until I can't stomach hearing Mari Windsor say the word "powerhouse" one more time (which hopefully won't be until mine's in shape).

It seems I'm on the wrong side of the Red River today. Alot of places I'd like to go tonight are hours and hours away... Austin, Amarillo, Houston... guess I'll have to make the best of it and get a piece of the hometown action for now. :)

Bundle up! It's cold out there!

The Cure

It's such a pretty day. And I'm in such a horrible funk. The only thing left to do is throw a blanket and my guitar in the car and head up to the lake and play my one song for the birds and see what they think.

Sometimes it just takes feeling the wind on your skin to make the day a little better. I saw a guy on a bicycle almost get run over. It was pretty funny. And I was waaay out in the middle of nowhere by myself so it must have been a big deal because I heard him loud and clear let out a long string of expletives. It gave me a little giggle. Then a guy in a minivan decides to pick a spot like 40 yards from me (out of all the miles of space out there) to work on his drive. And I thought if a golf ball even so much as comes near me I may have my own fight on my hands. But either way it was good. And no one got hurt. And I feel better. :)

So sometimes I'm not as much of a rock star as I wanna be. I think to be a real rock star you need something a little more potent than Red Bull to keep you going after hours and hours of whiskey and no sleep. But alas, my resources these days are limited. Thank God.

So I sat patiently waiting for Randy and Wade to get the party started and pondered the meanings of our singleness with Jen. We came up with some great stuff which I'm sure I won't share at a later date because it was all about disclosure and vulnerability. We've determined we want to do it (tell someone our secrets) but something inside won't let us. So what would be the point in divulging all the sordid details now?

Anyway, after feeling increasingly more drowsy, I finally caught 2 peeks at Mr. Powell, which was the real reason I drug myself out anyway (even though I'm still not clear on the reasoning behind the whole "joining the band" thing). So after taking all I could take from a tall guy calling me "beautiful" and telling me to "smile and look like I'm having a good time," I tabbed out and went home. Had to call it a night, kids.

Luckily, things got even better when I went home and I had unbelievable nightmares about Ragan & Melisa's dog, Duncan, barking at the evil ghosts behind the attic door. Thanks guys! Then I had another very strange dream about me and a couple of my friends all working in the same HUUUGE very cool office building. We all worked on different floors. Everything was glassed in. And every time I tried to get on the elevator, the floor would fall out from underneath me. I never got hurt even though I was falling like 10 stories, I just got very very frustrated. You'd think I would have learned after the first time, but it seems like I kept trying for hours. I think after about the 15th time, I finally gave up and took the stairs. What does it mean?

And I know it has something to do with a phase I'm currently going through. (See New Year's post on my tendency towards "phases." :) ) So I'm just waiting it out and praying to God it will pass quickly.

TGIF.

tonypierce.com + busblog. Ouch.

Hi. My name is Daisy Girl and I'm an alcoholic.

Hi Daisy Girl.

Hello.

It seems I packed a whole weekend of alcohol into one six hour binge last night. It doesn't help when you have friends who are bartenders and have figured out you look like you're having more fun when they're giving you doubles and triples all night. An empty hand isn't a happy hand! Yeah. I wish you were me at 8 a.m. this morning. My center of gravity was no where to be found, which made blow drying my hair with my head upside down (it's quicker) quite an adventure. If you close your eyes it's almost like you're at Disney Land. For free.

I've got a nice video of Ragan's Lost Trailer's Karaokee Debut featuring Clay, Ryin's Roommate, but it hasn't hit the inbox yet for some reason. But rest assured, when it does, you'll have front row seats to the world premier.

Class starts tonight. Man, I hope it's a short one being the first day and all. And I wish Kerry would hurry up and get here so I can go home and take a nap.

Yay Thursday.

So I came home from work early today cuz some days I just get tired. (of it). (the stories and the emotional stuff). (but I still love it).

And I'm having a hell of a vodka tonic. And listening to the best break up CD I've ever made. But I gotta say, You run outta cigarettes and even roses gotta die makes no sense to me at this moment. Whadda cigarettes have to do with her screwing you over for the bad boy? You shoulda known better. I have no sympathy.

Anyway, I'm blaming this moment on:

Walking in on my parents when I was 15. There was a jar of vaseline with the lid leaning diagonally against it on the floor. And the bed was mysteriously missing all covers. And both of my parents were talking to me from the bathroom. What do you need dear? It makes me glad they finally called it quits. I'm scarred for life.

I'm sure of it.

Awww. So sweet. Check Bobo's strip out today.

And while we're swooning, Judson Lane is playing tonight at LIT. Just what I need... more sappy acoustic love songs... Not that that's all he plays, but I can turn pretty much anything acoustic into a sappy love song in my mind. And before you know it, I've had a few crown and cokes and here come the tears. So if you get bored tonight, you can always come out and laugh at me. (Although, the odds of that happening tonight are rather slim seeing as how crown and cokes at LIT are $6 a pop.)

I may swing by Galileo for the first few minutes of the poetry shindig and see some of my peeps. We shall see.

Look at me! I'm a good little worker bee. :)

Designing invitations and sponsorship cards, holding for the Catering Director, booking the band, securing items for auction, writing pledge requests, aye aye AYE! This, friends and neighbors, is why I am not a party planner. It's ok about once a year, but after that, it's just too much stress. And I admit, I add to the stress myself. I'm one of those people that has absolutely no patience when it comes to anything. I want everything RIGHT NOW. I want the event to be organized I want the money to come in, I want the boy of my dreams on my arm and 2 degrees on my wall. NOW, thank you. I've been like this all my life and still haven't figured a way out of it. Something in me says, "Valium." But I'm not sure.

Anyway, it's back to work. Happy Hump Day! Woo HOO!

You 'reckon she was drunk?

When I awoke at 8:45 a.m. on the dot this morning I still had the jitters from the coffee last night. And at 9 a.m. promptly the timer on the coffee pot went off and I had another cup. Just call me Butters. That's about what I feel like today.

I did some real writing last night for the first time in a long time. I say "real," that just means I had to think about it. Usually I just sit down and randomly write what I'm thinking and am so vain to I call it art. Sometimes it turns out really really bad. And sometimes it's not so bad. This time it wasn't so bad. I'm actually pretty happy with it, even though I woke up this morning wanting to tweak it a little. And it got me thinking about a group of my friends and me who wrote a song for the talent show in sixth grade. I can't remember exactly who was there, but I think it was me, Erin, Whitney W., and a Grocer Named Bill. And I can't imagine my BFF Shanna not being there. Surely she was. I hate that you forget things like that when you grow up. We wore hot pink puff-painted t-shirts. I remember that. Yeah, we were HOT.

I'd like to think my writing has improved since then, but who knows. Maybe not. It's still fun to think I'm doing something new now. Maybe somebody somewhere will appreciate it. We'll see.

The phone is ringing off the hook today and I'm by myself this morning. Sometimes it's hard for me not to get frustrated with some of the girls I see here. You know... the girl who came in 4 times last year for a pregnancy test and she's in 10th grade. I (we) try to help as much as we can with counseling and guidance and all that, and it's hard for me to remember there is no getting through to a 16 year old. It's like the second I start to get frustrated God taps me on the shoulder and says, "Um, hello? Do we need to go back over your years 16-20?" Then I just take a deep breath and say, "Ok, fair enough," and try to love her. And the girls who come in and and end up being pregnant, having the kid and enduring all kinds of crap from parents and at school and in the world at large, those girls are my heroes. I know it sounds weird but you have no idea the amount of blind courage making that kind of decision takes. And maybe it's not the best situation to be in, but you gotta respect them anyway. Or at least I do.

Anyway, enough crazy coffee ramblings. Have a fabulous Tuesday :)

Ghirardelli Chocolate Caramel coffee. With an extra teaspoonful of sugar. And chocolate syrup.

Two cups.

It's 11:20 p.m. I feel like I could write a novel. I may never sleep again.

Well kids, it's been a pretty uneventful day so far. But the day's gone by fast, that's pretty unusual.

I've been reading back through some of my old stuff, poetry-wise. I really don't like most of it and some of it just doesn't sound like me. But there are a few that I love. There are a few that make my tummy feel funny (in a good way) just reading them. And I guess it's just because of the memories connected with them. So nobody else reading them would probably get that out of them, but oh well. I need to write more. I need to quit deleting things.

And Kevin's post about what life was like when we were kids has got me thinking, too. And as it turns out, Mr. Cadillac Rock Box, the 80's King himself, has never seen The Boy Who Could Fly. Color me disappointed. Anyways, the days of Rainbow Bright, Pippie Longstocking, My Little Pony, The Care Bears, The Mickey Mouse Club, You Can't Do That on Television, Double Dare, and Kids Incorporated... those were the good old days. No bills, no jobs, no boyfriends (and that wasn't a problem), nothin' but blue skies and Ryan McD and Amy Z down the street. We got in plenty of trouble usually having to do with racing our bikes in the gravel, tormenting the neighbor's Rottweiler, Cody, and tearing holes in the knees of our perfectly good jeans.

In a strange twist of fate, my roommate in the dorms my Freshman year at college actually gradated with Ryan. Turns out he's a total hottie. Glad to know things worked out well for him. He introduced me to Transformers. And I had to suffer through hooouuuurs of He-Man with him and his dog Firsty. But I suppose I'm better for it now.

Anyway, it'd be nice to find a balance between being who I am now and who I was then. It's easy to get overwhelmed pretty quickly in the life I have now. Sometimes I need to learn just to turn it off, that's the hardest. And it always hits the second I turn the lights out. The wheels keep turning and turning and turning. That's what I'm going to work on for now... quiet... and just relaxing. Que sera sera. Just take a deep breath and let it happen. So that's the goal for now...

I need a coffee grinder. Where does one go about buying such a thing?

What a day. Already. My nose is stopped up. I hate that.

About 4 a.m. I heard tucker barfing in the living room. He threw up dried flowers from an arrangement he'd been eating off my desk... all over my Billy Collins book. My cat throws up flowers on a poetry book. Ironic, don't you think?

And half way to the car this morning I realized I had a pair of black lace panties hanging from a side button on my jacket. I got a good chuckle outta that and just thanked God I caught it before I got to work. Ah, the hazards of doing laundry.

Anyway, this weekend was interesting to say the least. Especially since my weekend started last Wednesday. Note to self: two nights of drinking is more than your body can handle. Four is out of the question. Ease up, ok.

Friday night was... lemme try to remember... I went to the wormy dog... Oh! The Derailers. Good stuff. Old school, hard core. Liked it alot. Saturday night was the Boland show. There was a line to get in before the doors opened. So I packed myself in with about a billion other people at the bar for 3 hours just waiting for the HOTTIES that are The Dog Kickers to open the show. And I don't want to go off on a Monday morning rant here, but I can NOT handle grown men who are inconsiderate to other people (especially women) in public (or in private for that matter). The bar is packed. I understand we're in close quarters but if you keep crowding me out just so you can be closer to that blond than your friend is, I'm gonna put my cigarette out on the back of your head. And I'm not talking about an overzealous 21 year old. This dude had to be at least 40. Thankfully, I got a better offer just in the nick of time. And I found a new spot that's a great place to hang out, have a beer, and ponder the big questions. So it all ended beautifully. :)

School starts up again this week. At this point in time I'm really starting to question why I worked so hard to graduate, then start right back up again. I mean, I know why. I need to go straight through to get to where I wanna be career-wise (and money-wise). Don't get me wrong, I love what I'm doing in school, but the month long break I'm coming off of was reallllllly nice. But now it's back to spending Monday and Thursday nights in Norman and studying, studying cuz school is my buddy... ing.

Anyway, what a nice quiet morning it's been. Lovely. I may even head out a bit early today in honor Dr. King. I wish I would have been alive in the days when we still had true revolutionaries. I'm sure there are still some out there today, I think maybe they're just silenced way too easily. Or maybe we're just not listening. It's something to think about.

I met the most beautiful girl
tonight.
She reminded me of Julie Roberts.
Nobody should be that
perfect.
She walked up to me and said,
"Beer is for boys and single moms,"
then disappeared
blond curls
red satin
Bud Light in hand.

It just occurred to me: All my life I wanted a brother. Even when I was little I used to beg my parents. They always said, "Nope, no more kids." Ironic isn't it, that I've acquired four brothers under the age of 16 in the past year.

This world is a crazy freakin place. Sometimes I want out.

I guess that's what liquor is for.

I know it's old, but I'm still brave enough:

1. which political party do you typically agree with? Dem.

2. which political party do you typically vote for? same

3. list the last five presidents that you voted for? Man, I'm not that old. I've only been able to vote in 2 elections. I was torn b/w Gore and Bush the first time cuz they both seemed like losers, but I voted for Gore to piss my dad off. And Kerry got my vote and my good vibes this time, but alas, it was not enough.

4. which party do you think is smarter about the economy? democrat, duh.

5. which party do you think is smarter about domestic affairs? Oh man. Um, I'd just like to have a president with a vocab bigger than 4 words. Can you say "Don't mess with Texas?"

6. do you think we should keep our troops in Iraq or pull them out? The whole thing was a HUGE, ignorant mistake. Think about it for half a second and you'll understand you cant change thousands of years of ingrained religious lifestyles/worldviews just cuz Saddam isn't in power anymore. Democracy isn't even in the equation and has no hope to ever be in it.

7. who, or what country, do you think is most responsible for 9/11? Tough to say, but from what I can tell the Saudi's have contributed more $$$ than anybody else.

8. do you think we will find weapons of mass destruction in iraq? Hahahhaa. Uh, no. But dammit, it was still worth it.

9. yes or no, should the u.s. legalize marijuana? it would have been way safer for me to drive home tonight smokin a dooby than driving home after the 4 crown and cokes I had.

10. do you think the republicans stole the last presidential election? by last if you mean Bush v. Gore, absolutely. He won fair and squAre this time though, thanks to my good friend Mr. Falwell.

11. do you think bill clinton should have been impeached because of what he did with monica lewinski? Hahhahaa. No. But I do think Hilary should have at least kicked his ass. Or gotten with the pool boy, either one.

12. do you think hillary clinton would make a good president? She gets my vote in 2008 if she runs, but I don't think she will. She's smart enough to know this country isn't ready for an estrogen-inclined leader, even though that leaves us light years behind every other civilized country in the western world...

13. name a current democrat who would make a great president: I have no idea yet, but I know if we can get Obama (a minority) in there, we're that much closer to getting a woman in there. Before you argue this, please see Desmond Tutu's comments about women ruling the world... very thought provoking and very true if you ask me...

Of a "feminine revolution," he says:

"This revolution... is the last, best chance for making this globe hospitable to peace, to make this globe hospitable to compassion, hospitable to generosity and caring."

14. name a current republican who would make a great president: Um. I got nothin.

15. do you think that women should have the right to have an abortion? I think it should always be a choice. Do I think it's a good choice, no. But I do think we, as women, should have the right to make that choice.

16. what religion are you? Christian. But man, that's a loaded question. I scare most main stream Christians.

17. have you read the Bible all the way through? Hahhaa. I AM the Bible. I was the Sword Drill Queen in elementary. Don't cross me, trust me.

18. what's your favorite book? That's always my hardest question. I'm really enjoying Picnic, Lightning by Billy Collins right now.

19. who is your favorite band? That's another one of those questions. How bout a list: Stoney, The Lost Trailers, Martina Sorbara, Counting Crows, and many many more.

20. who do you think you'll vote for president in the next election? Whomever the dem's put up for the job. I think. I can't see the republicans actually putting up somebody I would vote for, but we'll see.

21. what website did you see this on first? Tony Pierce.

Found this interesting little article... it's pretty much right on, especially for people who feel really uncomfortable telling the truth and speaking their minds in relationships. :) Which is pretty much all of us, right?

Anyway, I had a very nice meeting with the catering director of a really nice hotel in the city this afternoon. There is definitely something to be said for stellar customer service and an attitude that says we'll do whatever it takes to get your business. It works, that's for sure.

And I took the car in to get detailed today. As it turns out, I actually drive a red car! Who knew? For the last month or so it's been a nice charcoalish shade of pink.

Well, my Friday night plans are still semi-up in the air. All I know is I'm having a great hair day and I can't waste it sitting at home on the couch.

It's cccoooold outside (and inside too, coincidentally). And my poor kitty's outta food and he's biting my arm. Gotta 2 p.m. to look at banquet facilities for a fundraiser I'm planning for April.

Talked to D.R. last night. Seems the mudslides have thrown CA for a bit of a loop and if you live in so cal, you're kinda stuck where you are for a while. It's weird to think all the chaos was caused by 14 or so days of rain. Craziness.

What to do with the rest of my Friday...

Just a really quick clarification per a voicemail left on my phone at 8:30 a.m. claiming more drama than The Young and the Restless in the blogosphere...

The characters and events in this blog are purely fictional. Any similarities they have to characters and events in real life are coincidental. The veiws expressed in this blog are not associated with and are not representative of the views of management. The blog is meant for a home viewing audience only. Any reproduction of the blog for reasons other than educational purposes is strictly prohibited.

And being an anonymous backstabber is grounds for an ass kicking.

I have a feeling this is going to be one of those posts that I get up extra early to delete in the morning, so get it while you can...

This city is deserted as if everybody hurt it. This town doesn't want us 'round today. I'll get on the freeway, won't stop driving til next Tuesday and put a thousand miles between us or more. I know that's not possible, all the streets here run in circles. I wouldn't even make it out of the car.

I should know better not to light candles past midnight and I should know better not to go to acoustic shows without a party agenda in mind.

If I do get through this, I promise you this, next time around I'll get it right. I'll walk through this ghost town in nothing but my nightgown and you can blow with all your might. I'll face you smiling whether dying or surviving, but for now I just gotta make it through tonight.

I have lots of thoughts most of the time... thoughts I don't really feel like sharing, but it's such a special night and you're such a great audience! So forget what you've read in the papers, and forget what you've heard on the radio! (Watch Chicago please.) Anyway, I know everybody has a list. I have one. It changes quite a bit I think. And I was thinking about that today. And yeah, he's Mr. Right Now and who knows what it will be tomorrow. One thing I've realized recently is that the list has one place and one place only... and that's out the window. Guys I'd love to get to know right now wouldn't have been my first choices in high school... or maybe they would have. But thank God we grow up. And maybe it'll be different 5 or 10 years from now, you never know.

And one thing I know about myself for sure is that it's complicated. It's complex. It's different from one minute to the next, kinda. I want to be this independent self made person one second, then the next I'm actually tearing up to a slow song about the fact that there's part of me that feels like I will never be good enough for pretty much anybody.

And on top of that my mom's getting married to a guy she's known for 2 months and moving to Kansas City... which if you know anything of her story is completely crazy. And I like him, I do. He seems good. And she needs that. She spent 21 years feeling at the very best 2nd best, and at the very worst completely incompetent... and she's brilliant and if I'm lucky, I'll be half the woman she is. But she's moving 5 1/2 hours away. Even my grandparents are closer than that. And my mom and I didn't even get acquainted til 5 years ago really. So that's hard too. But it's life I guess. People have dealt with alot worse. And I look around at my friends who are here in this tiny little city all by themselves and I wonder how they do it and why they stay here. I don't think I will. Why would I?

Anyway, enough of this sappy stuff. Sorry.

In its wreckage and rubble and all that broken glass, I'll find a stone that I can throw. I'll find some peace and take a handful home... at the beach at the end of Cherry Road.

That's what I need, a beach. I need a road trip. And a way far away trip. That's the ticket. And long, ambiguous blog posts. They make the world go 'round.

TGIF.

Pinky has spoken:

Regarding the opposite sex [and in a conversation pertaining to NO ONE who has read or will ever read this blog so it couldn't be you or anyone you know...]:

They crave us shoving them off. And so we shove. And if shoving makes us manipulative bitches, so be it...And the proof is in the puddin, darlin, cause here he is IMing me telling me he can't wait to see me this weekend.


And this from the girl with the sweet little pink website. :)

Profound, really.

If you're a writer, a reader, or have ever taken an English class, you'll appreciate this poem. It's one of my favorites so far.

Marginalia, by Billy Collins.

So many topics, so little time...

Today is the ex's 26th birthday. Being the good friend I am, I sent him a text message and got a phone call from him 2 seconds later. He said thanks. And I said, "Well, you're welcome. I just like to be a good friend and remember people's birthdays, even though I didn't get a phone call on my birthday." So he says, "You know I don't remember shit like that." Ummm we were together for a total of about 7 years. So I'm thinking to myself, why do I bother with this man again? I'm too nice.

Which brings me to my next topic. Bitchy girls always win. I've had this discussion with a couple of people and I look around at the world and all the nice guys are suffering through life with bitchy girls, and all the nice girls are sitting at home watching movies with their cats. Note to self: start being more bitchy.

Moving on... I'm really excited about Tim Burton's remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I watched a trailer of it last night, it looks kinda twisted, which I really like. I just don't know if anything will ever be better for me than the first one though. Classic... My dear child, we are the music makers; we are the dreamers of dreams...

I've got so much to do today but I've decided I'm just going to take it easy. It'll all get done in good time. I've got one of those annoying headaches where you can feel the back of your eyeballs. Yeah, that sucks. But it's the price you pay for having waaaay too much fun on a Wednesday night.

And I brought Picnic, Lightning, by U.S. Poet Laureate Billy Collins to work with me today. He's going to be doing a workshop and a reading at OCU in March or April so I want to get familiar with his stuff before hand. I think I'm going to like him....

Come closer. Look me in the eye.
Tell me what kind
of animal you want to be today.

Happy Thursday!

Damn those unisex bathrooms! If you're gonna join the Truckstop Club, you better have a handicapped sticker!

From CNN.com:

ST. LOUIS, Missouri (AP) -- A man's right to privacy was not breached when he was arrested after a rendezvous with a woman in a convenience store restroom, a federal appeals court ruled.

The three-judge 8th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals panel on Tuesday unanimously rejected Lonnie Maurice Hill's claim that his expectation of privacy in the public restroom made the drugs seized by the officers unusable as evidence.

Hill was arrested after a clerk called police to report suspicious activity, a man and woman entering the store's one-person unisex restroom.

When police arrived minutes later, according to the ruling, the couple twice failed to respond to knocks, and someone inside locked the door after an officer unlocked it. The two finally emerged -- Hill with his pants undone -- after the officer unlocked the door a second time.

He was arrested after he re-entered the restroom, and marijuana and cocaine were found near the toilet.

Hill pleaded guilty to drug-related charges and received a four-month sentence.

The court had said it would have been different if the two people in the restroom were a parent and child or a disabled person and an assistant. But Erdahl, the defense lawyer, suggested the case left some things unanswered, including hypothetically whether a married couple would be allowed to occupy a single-person bathroom.

At the convenience store in question, he added, the sign said "Restrooms," with a symbol for each gender.

"That sign was a little misleading and certainly ambiguous," Erdahl said.

OMG SICK. I bought a little container thing of carrot sticks, thinking, ok this will be a healthy snack. I like carrots. But they have some kind of slimey juice all over them that makes them taste carbonated. It's very weird and very gross and now I'm mad.

At least I had enough sense to buy a cucumber.

Score. 8:30 reservation tonight at PF Chang's. I'm hungry already.

I have nothing but black shoes. An army of boots, heels, strappies, and casuals. Yet I don't have one pair of black shoes I want to wear this morning.

Gimme that counterfeit affection...

I've come to believe your relative perceived worth as a woman is equal to the amount of bath lotions/bubbles/salts/creams/gels/oils/crystals you receive on any gift giving holiday.

I just now, as in just this minute, got around to putting up Christmas gifts and a whole sack of bath stuff just got trashed. TAKE NOTE: (If you don't already know) Bath stuff is the cop-out-I-just-got-you-a-gift-because-I-felt-obligated-and-the-lady-at-the-mall-said-this-was-the-gift-you-give-people-you-don't-really-know-and-I-don't-really-like-you-that-much-either gift.

I mean, JF hasn't even known me for 6 months and he at least had the good sense to get me a book.

Augh. Family. Whuddayagonnado.

Ah the blog, what a great source of social anxiety for the up and coming movers and shakers of the world.

Pinky has a theory, and I agree with her, that all bloggers are complete and total narcissists. After all, we apparently think that the world at large will somehow benefit from whatever tid bit of personal information we happen to grace the www with, or we wouldn't bother logging on day after day, during work hours no less, to let the world know exactly what's on our minds.

Yet the blogger, more than anyone, worries about what s/he is divulging and how it will be received by the reader(s), especially if s/he has to come face to face with them at any point in time. Take Mr. Puppyhead for example. I happen to think his comic strips are quite brilliant. However, his ex apparently has accused him of being passive aggressive with them, due to her reading of the blog no doubt, and now he's questioning whether or not he should even continue with his work.

You all know the feelings I've had about this issue personally. Sure I've spent many mornings hitting the delete button because I couldn't handle the thought of a certain particular person thinking something awful about me because of something I'd written the previous evening, and frantically checking site stats praying to GOD that he didn't see it. And if Pinky's theory is true, this is only par for the course. We love ourselves, so everybody should love us!

So many people censor their blogs for work reasons, and that, I get. But I still think they should go completely anonymous. It's a good alternative. But censoring the blog for personal reasons? I'd like to think I'm done with it. And maybe I'll always change the names or leave tiny little details unsaid to protect others, but for me, the ultimate honesty and the ultimate acceptance from others comes when they know it all and are cool enough still to buy me a beer... ok, not a beer, but an alcoholic beverage, just because we're friends. I know I've got alot of shady secrets and imperfections, but we all do, right? So I'm all for not being scared and for writing what you really think. And if other people don't get it, well, that's on them.

Ok, break time. I've been putting together media and promotional materials all day and I feel like my eyes are going crossed permanently.

One of my friends/volunteers is here today and she's 11 weeks pregnant. Surprise! So we pulled out the handy dandy ultrasound machine and let our Nurse Practicioner go to town on her. That was hands down the coolest thing I've seen in a loooong time. The first thing we saw was this teeny tiny little pulsating light, which was the little guy's (or girl's) heart. From there you can find the head and he (or she) was flipping and bouncing around in there so we got a good look at both arms and all 10 toes. Total and complete craziness that that little person was created from just having sex once.

Man, makes me kinda wanna re-think things... Nothing like a little dose of reality to scare the pants right back on ya.

Remember all that talk about nice hours and a cushy schedule?

Yeah, I'm paying for it now.

OMG what a day.

One of my bff's who just happens to have been elected my Board President decided to come hang out on his day off (AKA load me down with a bunch of his personal crap that he needs help on). Like I don't have enough to do right now. Sha right! As if!

Then he starts opening drawers and mumbling things like, "Don't you think this is a little cluttered?" (While I have clients running up and down the hallways and holding on both phone lines, mind you.) So I turn to him, gently pat him on the back and say, "I love you dear, but I don't need you to come to my office and be anal retentive. You can do that at home on your own time." He laughed and we went about our day.

But the craziness continued well after hours. I decided to stop at the local grocery store on my way home. It's not my favorite place as they have virtually no selection and waaaay high prices, but I was not about to add WalMart to the craziness of my day and I was tired of substituting paper towels for toilet paper. Ouch!

So I gathered some supplies, nothing healthy of course, and promptly checked out. And I happened to notice this total and complete hottie in a dress shirt and tie in the next line over. Hmmm. Maybe I should come here more often. So I follow him out to the parking lot (just going to my car, not stalking him, really) and he started loading his groceries into a brand spankin' new mini van. Yep, nothin' says unavailable like a Windstar.

So I made room in my uber cluttered backseat for my recent purchases and started loading away. Well, about five seconds had passed, I looked up and my basket was gone. Hhahahaha. It was rolling half way across the parking lot, purse and groceries in tow. So I have a good chuckle and go running (literally)after it. Finally, safe and sound I got everything packed in. And wouldn't ya know it, unavailableminivanhottie drives by right at that moment and is having a good laugh to himself. Niiiice. I'm glad I could provide some entertainment for you. Then right as we're kinda sorta making eye contact, I accidentally push the button and my trunk inadvertently pops open. Whoops. DAMN this is not my night. UMVH starts laughing even harder. Oh well. It was cute. And it's been one of those days.

I'm home now and anybody who wants a Vodka Tonic come on over. I got the GOOD stuff this time. :)

Ahhhhh. Wireless just feels so much better.

Look at me! I'm on dial up!

A bad case of the Mondays, indeed! Came in this morning and our internet connection had gone kaput. Or as my dad would say, had assumed room temperature. So right now, I'm just enjoying tying up the crisis phone line with my desperate little blogging attempt. Anyway, a wireless router is on the way, and hopefully that will be the answer to my cyber prayers.

I'm up to my nose in paper work and stuff to get done. I feel like I'm living in Office Space. Waiting on toner to get put in the copier. Fax machine is jammed. And no network connection. I need a baseball bat.

Plans, plans, and more plans...

I hope 2005 is a traveling year. In the next few weeks I'm getting the heck outta Dodge for sure. Not quite sure what I'm doing, but I'm fairly sure it will involve at least some portion of the west coast.

Then we have the whole June fiasco to start planning for. I know so many soon-to-be June brides, it's almost sickening. One of them will require from me a trip to New Mexico, which I will gladly make and hopefully parlay into some sort of respite from my daily life.

So far, I'll be traveling solo on my adventures. I'm thinking about taking SARK's advice and setting myself up in a hotel foyer with a sign that says "Artist available for dinner," and see what happens.

I'll steal you somethin' pretty...

I know I'm about 3 years late to this party, but for those of you with a jones for girl singer/songwriters... she's my new fave.

Also a subtle nuance I almost missed but really appreciate today...

Girls who blog and talk about hum drum things like love and life and cooking, but somehow the story telling and thinking outloud drifts
into
somewhat of a
poem.

And it ends.

Beautifully.

Note to self:

Stay home on nights before Saturday a.m. board meetings.

I'm having a moment of personal growth. I'm starting to laugh at my drunk self. I'm cursed with a good memory, no matter my level of alcohol consumption. So the next morning, I still remember every stupid, melodramatic confession I made to some poor innocent bystander the night before. Luckily my friends are wonderful and if they think I'm nuts, they keep it to themselves :)

I'm learning to laugh about it. It's just another cog in the craziness that is me. And I'm doing it all over again tonight. Yippee!

Yippee! It seems Dani and the infamous Mr. Andazola (the future father of her future beautiful Mexican babies) will be in attendance at the Texas Jack festivities tomorrow evening.

Clear the bar. Here we go...

If you didn't catch it, I just deleted a very good, very drunk post.

[Update: Ok, rephrased, reposted.]

There goes the neighborhood...

Over the most exquisite espresso martinis, Pinky and I pondered the big questions tonight.

Hahhahaa. I can't bring myself to say it, but if you know me, you know what I wanted to say right there.

It was sex sex and more sex. And everything in between (as it is most times girls go out. You just think we like to shop and gab gab gab. Nope. It's just an excuse to talk about our sex lives, trust me.) And we decided that we, in fact, among women, are unique. We think alot of other girls are not like us in the respect that we seem to have a switch. This switch is magic. You are intrigued, no? This switch, my dear, and controlling it, is the key to your enduring happiness. Love it. Learn it well. Use it. It controls our feelings and our sex drives. The two are strangely tangled.

(I've been reading your book Jeffrey. The intermittent prepositional phrases should have given it away.)

And here's my theory: We, as good little girls, have been told day in and day out for all 25 and 26 years of our lives that our emotions and the ever important HOLY GRAIL of the UNIVERSE, love, hinges on and precipitates the very best possible sex of our lives. And somehow, we took a very wrong turn and stumbled on a remarkable discovery: completely meaningless flings can be pretty good too. (With a very chosen few, mind you.)

And I know, I'm a good girl and I'm not supposed to say those kinds of things. But please, let's be real here. Imagine a life of accounting for every bite you take... every carb, every pound... every hair in exactly the right place so that you give off that motherly/nurturing look but messy enough to know you're low maintenance... making sure every hem line is long enough and every neck line is high enough... You've gotta be sexy, but never slutty... where is that line? ...every giggle is let out at exactly the right moment and is balanced with your intellect just enough to let him know you're smart, but never smarter than him...

I think we deserve a little fun every once in a while. Being a girl is TOO MUCH WORK. OK?

And here's what we're trying to wrap our minds around at this point: why is it that we are discovering that there is a whole world of boys out there who are more emotionally inclined in the area of getting it on than even we, as naturally very emotional creatures, are. (I mean, really. I cry at everything.) We've been told all our lives that boys, as a rule, just want the easiest route to sticking it in. Hands down, no matter what. Yet we seem to have stumbled on a whole new breed who have thrown us for a loop. They like to cuddle. They like to cook. They are masters at teasing and then withholding. Hey, that's supposed to be our job, right? Boys are supposed to be total and complete horndogs who just want to get laid at all costs. What's with all the shyness? We need answers. We couldn't come up with anything that made sense.

And don't get me wrong, we love and appreciate and adore everything that comes from an intense connection and being in love, but have the tables turned? Have we joined the camp, that dreaded group of males we've heard about for so long who give love just to get sex?

Anyway, we covered more topics to be discussed at a later date. So yes, be afraid. Be very afraid.

And on a related note... you know it's the twenty-first century when you're going to regret blogging in the morning. Because I'm not nearly as brave as I thought I was/wish I was. Oh well, I'm working on it.

Schools were closed again today, so I got another day to sleep in. Believe it or not, I'm ready to get back to work.

I'm gonna go in today around 1p.m. to do the bills and stuff and I'm meeting our CPA who's doing our financials. I just hope getting to the highway's not a major event. My street is a solid sheet of ice. You can hear people slip sliding away out there from my living room.

Anyway, hopefully things will get better this afternoon so Pinky and I can go out for drinky drinks this evening and plan our next assault on the single boys of Oklahoma... and a couple south of the Red River. :)

Best Kisses

Thanks to below freezing temperatures, a little bottle of Crown, and a brand new year.

Well, there was the very first one of course. And he remembers every last detail too. This is important. 15 1/2, red and white striped shirt, jeans and K-Swiss. I was supposed to be home an hour ago. He kind of eased me against the front door. I stared at my feet. And he did it. Everything after that is kind of foggy. Until #2, and I remember that one too. That's when I knew I was going to enjoy this.

Then there was another first. I thought he was going to take my head off. But he was the star linebacker in a small town, which made me the star linebacker's girlfriend... and his ex-girlfriend wanted to fight. But we didn't. He just molested me against the fence after the game while she watched.

And then there was this other time. We had driven around for hours filling the air with complete nothingness biding our time until the inevitable happened. On the side of a southside backroad, he touched my leg. And then my face. He was never nervous again after that.

And one I will never forget... he was getting the famous, "Daisy Girl Recommends Book Show," up close and personal. In the middle of Ethan Frome I looked up and he was standing over me and saying, "I'm sorry, I have to." And he did. And I asked him to do it again. And he did.

So, next time you're in that position, don't forget to make an impression. She won't forget it.

I am the master of all things icy.

I was going to walk to Walgreens for supplies as now it looks as if OKC schools will be closed tomorrow... which means we'll be closed because that's our rule... when schools close, we close because alot of our volunteers have school aged kids.

Anyway, I went outside to the car and all 4 doors were frozen solid shut. Completely. Sheets of ice. So two pitchers of hot hot HOT water later, EUREKA! The car is a go.

So I figured, why stop at Walgreens? As long as we've got this driving thing under control, let's just go to the grocery store. So, don't think I'm not using this puny little storm to eat masses of junk food. We're talking DiGiorno, shells and cheese, frito chili pie (homemade of course) an actual bag of chocolate candy, and coke to add to my crown when it gets reallllly cold tonight. We're talking 8 degrees people. I think a drink is in order.

I hope everybody's staying happy and safe out there.

I just finished watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Charlie Kaufman is a genius.

How refreshing was that movie?

And the ending! Oh! We're so conditioned to think they'll say Screw it all! I love you! I'm willing to take the chance!

But no!!! They don't! And it's ok.

One of the coolest movies I've seen in a long time.

Yay! A snow day! Well, sorta.

If I had anything pressing to get done, I'd probably go in this afternoon, but I don't. So I'm going to stay home and watch Oprah interview Amber Frey. That chick is not even remotely pretty. Those things strike me as kind of strange, you know. If you're gonna cheat on your wife, at least upgrade, ok? But then again, apparently Scott's kinda psycho... if you believe he did it. I'm still not totally convinced, but I think it's more than likely.

Anyway, I just had the strangest dream. And I woke up half way through and went right back into it when I went back to sleep. And I've never done that in my life. And Oooooh am I glad I did. Who could have foreseen that turn of events? Mmmm.

:)

Those people at Pei Wei don't play around. I ventured away from the norm tonight and ordered something very spicy apparently. It was good, but now my mouth is on fire.

And something else kinda funny... apparently if you leave your mail in your mailbox long enough, the mail man will take it all back! I'm one of those people who sifts through the piles and piles of junk mail in the mail box and only takes out the important stuff. Yeah eventually I have to clean the thing out but I get so much freakin junk mail I don't even want to mess with it most of the time. And having recently moved, I get alot and I mean ALOT past occupant's mail. I took in the displaced mail for like a week, bundled it up and wrote NOT AT THIS ADDRESS really big across the front and left it for the posty. Well, I noticed last night that the junk mail was kind of piling up but my hands were full coming in the house, so I just left it there. I came home today, totally empty mailbox.

Sorry Mr. Posty.

I guess he got tired of stuffing that box with all the wrong people's letters and bills. I'm just a little worried though, because I'm waiting on a very special purchase from the Victoria's Secret semi-annual sale, and I think it should have come today. So now not only is my post man mad at me, he's got my underwear.

So. If everything goes as planned, I'll get at least an extra day off work.

God, it's me, Margaret. Just kidding, it's Ashly. And I want ice, and lots of it. But I want my power to stay on. I want power, but I don't want to be able to leave my house until Thursday afternoon at the earliest. You think you could work that out? Thanks.

I haven't slept in 2 nights. I'm neurotic. Sunday night I got some rather emotionally distressing news and woke up approximately every 45 minutes to worry about it some more. Then last night my favorite aunt came to visit at 2 a.m. on the dot and was a HUGE pain until, well, I'm still in pain. But it's something that has to be done I suppose. There are alternatives, but nothing I feel like getting involved in at the moment.

I got to work and had a voicemail from Kerry saying she's sick and won't be in today... after her week and one extra day off. But she is legitimately sick. She sounds terrible. So. I rescheduled all of my afternoon appointments because I am in no state to be handling all these crazy people by myself today. My brain is not functioning properly.

And I keep thinking about a news clip I saw on ABC last night. I don't know if anybody else saw it but it was completely disturbing to me. I started crying. During the ABC Nightly News with Peter Jennings. That's bad. Of course, all coverage is completely focused on the tsunami these days and I can't even begin to fathom what that must have been like. They showed a brief clip last night of a man, a doctor from Salt Lake City, and his two daughters scanning board after board filled with pictures of corpses, looking for his 15 year old daughter. And right in the middle of the interview his other daughter screams, "Dad! Dad! I found her! This is her! (Pointing at the picture) This is the shirt she was wearing!" The daughters ran off in a crazed mix of what looked like excitement and horror and the dad just started screaming and sobbing.

And I know that's not even one teeny tiny fraction of the magnitude of that whole event, but it was still too much for me. And I hope we give as many billions of dollars as we can. God knows this country needs to look like anything other than greedy and warmongering at this point.

Nothing like a little work to lift the fog.

I didn't sleep last night.

So I figured, what the hay, and came in to work way early this morning. So far today I've done itemized year end statements for each of our donors (and that's alot) written an entire newsletter and designed a promotional fundraising card. Left to do is revise the org's bylaws, touch up a training manual I wrote for our board of directors, and see a client. This is the thing that bothers me about social service work. If you want to make any money at it at all (and by "make money" I mean barely pay your bills), most of your time is spent pushing paper, not actually seeing the clients. I haven't seen a client officially in a month or so, so that'll be a nice change of pace.

And I had a nice conversation with one of my dearest friends this morning who cleared some things up I had been thinking about. I was questioning some things about myself and was feeling rather bad about them and he was a huge encouragement. Sometimes I forget to be grateful for the people in my life who take the time to know me and love me in spite of my idiosyncrasies, because not everybody does. I'm very fortunate that way.

I'm so happy about seeing Texas Jack on Saturday. Almost makes the week worth it.

I'm a walking contradiction. I realize this and I'm saying it up front. I'm a hypocrite, I'm a paradox. I'm a woman, I'm human, I'm allowed.

99% of the time I feel like a fifteen year old among fifty year olds. I should be grown up. I should feel confident about things I in now way even come close to feeling confident about. I come across as harsh and arrogant alot. I hate that. I can't stand those people. I never wanted to be one. I try not to. But sometimes it just shines through I guess. I want more than anything just to love and accept people, but it looks like I'm failing miserably sometimes. And I don't know why. I try so hard.

I don't know what to think about 2005. If it's anything like the last few days, I'm scared. I had a very long talk tonight with one of the most important people in my life. She's making a huge, life changing decision. And it's going to take her miles away from me. It's good for her but the selfish little girl part of me wants to be mad at her for going.

She tells me not to be afraid, and maybe her show of bravery will inspire me to do the same. And I think it will. I need 18 months, a few contacts, and a decent plan of action. Part of me thinks I can do it. The other part of me just wants to throw up my hands and scream and cry and throw a massive temper tantrum because my life is not perfect and it should be. I'm struggling with being graceful. I'm struggling with being true to myself without the outgoing translation getting muddled and coming out completely wrong in the process. I'm struggling with not caring and caring way too much. New things scare me. And they didn't used to. It's something I hate. And something I'm going to have to conquer if I'm ever going to get anything useful done.

Hopefully I can surround myself with others who understand the change and pad the impending fall. 2005, here we go.