Look at me being Social Suzie.

Not Front Row Freida or Back Row Betty. Just Social Suzie.

It's 11 p.m. and I just walked in my house for the first time today. Fabulous. The people from work are perverts. But they're fun. And I'm stuck with them for the next 3 weeks, so I figured better make the best of it. And after 2 1/2 hours of freakin' statistics class I needed to get drrrruuunk. You talk to me about differentials and means and medians and shit. Fuck. I hate it more than anything in this world. Even more than inconsiderate boys. Which I'm not tolerating at the moment, if you haven't gathered that by now.

So anyway. SITP Thursday night. Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo! Deny thy father and refuse thy name! Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love! And I'll no longer be a Capulet!

Yeah. I dig the idea of killing yourself over a guy.

Really. It seems logical. Because we all know that life ends if you can't be with the one you love at 17.

(What you should really be worried about is the fact that I'm drunk and I can still quote Shakespeare.)

Anyway, it'll be good with wine. Everybody should come out. :)

My kitty's starving and I'm a horrible mother. I have to go.

(In my best Kip voice) Peace out.

You boys who are persistent to the point of complete irrationality have some issues to work out.

Cheese and rice.

I laid down at 11 last night exhausted. I drifted in and out keeping one ear open for the little ding my computer makes when I've got new email. I was waiting for one in particular. Around 11:30 I fell asleep. About 15 minutes later I opened my eyes and realized someone was calling. The phone was on silent but I saw it light up. Look at the phone. I'm tired. Not now. New voicemail. I listen to it and have the same response. Tired. Leave me alone.

Fifteen seconds later. Phone lights up again. Jesus. Still don't answer. No voicemail. Thank God. I fall back asleep. An hour later, 12:45 I've gotten over the irritation and fallen back asleep.

WHAP WHAP WHAP. WTF?!? He's knocking on my window. I shit you not. I didn't answer the phone and he's driven over 35 miles to my house and is now standing outside my window. It takes me about a minute to wake up and process this. WHAP WHAP WHAP. He's beating on the window again. I don't move. Now I'm just pissed. No way am I letting him in this house. I'm exhausted. I'm asleep. He never returns my calls or bothers to call me first anyway unless he needs something, so fuck off.

My first clue was a voicemail I got yesterday afternoon that said, "I miss talking to you." Right. You miss talking to me. Funny, I haven't heard from you in a few weeks.

So anyway. At this point I'm pissed so I pick up the phone. I hear his phone ring outside my window. He answers. Hello?

I'm asleep. What do you want?

Well, I got out and I just thought you'd be up. Didn't you get my phone calls.

I'm asleep. I just said that.

Oh, ok.

Yeah, I gotta go.

I hear the car start in the driveway.

WTF. That is some crazy crazy shit. I feel like I need a stack of pre-signed restraining orders these days. What is the deal?

What UP. I had a few spare minutes before class, so I thought I'd drop you a note and let you know how kick ass I think you are and how much I can't stop thinking about the last time we were...

Oh wait. Blog. Not email. Whoops.

Anyway, so I have to comment on the whole naming issue. It's come up twice in the last two days. First of all, I totally dig Kurt's contribution to the music world. I do. But I, personally (and note the personal opinion), would have second thoughts about naming my kid after somebody who had a drug problem and blew his brains out. On the other hand, using that measuring stick, your kid's pretty much guaranteed to be a success. So I guess that could be a positive thing. And I'm sure the rationale was the hope that this kid could have even an ounce of his creative genius. And I dig that.

And I came across another person this week who named her daughter Kitten. She grew up to be a drug addict/prostitute. Someone made the brilliant observation that if you want your kid to grow up to be a successful adult, don't name him/her after a baby animal. I thought that was great.

Anyway, I'm kinda floating through the next two days of my life... class tonight, work and class tomorrow, then I'm home free til next Tuesday as far as night time obligations go. We're hitting Shakespeare in the Park for Romeo and Juliet on Thursday night if anybody wants to go. If it's any good I'll get drunk and cry. So that should be fun, right? Then Friday night M and I are hitting the town and doing God knows what. But it's always eventful, you can count on that.

OMG I think the guy sitting behind me is wearing girl's perfume. Seriously. Weirdo.

Saturday afternoon after I sober up and sleep off the hangover (I'm assuming), I'm headed to KC to see the maternal one to help her unpack her new house. I think we're gonna spend most of Sunday at the pool, so I should come back Monday a nice bright shade of lobster red.

After that is anybody's guess. Things are crazy right now in a very very good way. Learnin' lots and flyin' through these days to get to May. Even thought it's gonna be sad. I'm all about experiencing every thing I can until the day I head west on 40 and don't stop til I hit the ocean. So watch out. Or get the fuck outta the way. Either one.

Probably both. :)

Much love.

Originally uploaded by Daisy Girl.

Originally uploaded by Daisy Girl.

Oh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer weiner...

So I'm sitting here listening to Abra Moore (thanks _R_) and getting all sentimental. I just looked at pictures one of my friends sent to me of her new baby girl. I was there when she found out she was pregnant and cried because grad school was the plan, this was not. But the world changes, things happen, and everybody's smiling and laughing in all the pictures and they are just beautiful red headed girls, mom and baby, in the pictures. It makes me sad that time and circumstances separate friends sometimes. I guess you always have the good times to remember, right? Like tonight. When Caroline and I spent more time laying on the floor laughing than doing crunches.

You can't tell me you haven't had one memorable moment. I know you've had thousands...

I just drank an entire bottle of Arbor Mist... the last time I did that I was surrounded by the laguna hills, looking at the pacific...

Why am I here again?

Anyway, I'm doing it. After a much needed kick in the ass from Caroline I've decided the book is going to be finished by the day I leave town. She says don't change the names. I said I'll think about it... :) My nature is not quite that subversive.

Or is it.

I actually wrote the first two chapters tonight. And getting started is the hardest part. It's just the truth, or at least my slant on it, from there on out. This should be interesting.

If you don't know Katie Melua and you like chick singer-songwriters, you gotta download her. Penguins and cats... it's about being able to fly... it's about dying nine times... She just generally kicks ass. Great mood music. This is the nearest thing to crazy I have ever known... I was never crazy on my own... and now I know there's a link between the two-- being close to craziness and being close to you.

So anyway, Maroline and I are finally getting together to work out and guess what? Turns out I got a date on Friday with a HOT chick. And I'm just sayin... if we start drinkin... well, if you were at the Stoney show, you know. We may have to break out the video camera. :)

You wish.

Two thoughts I'm pondering today:

The theory that there's a difference between a girl who has sex a lot and a slut... one does it because she enjoys it, the other does it for validation.

Chew on that.

And lately I've been feeling like I need to write but I need a jumping off point. Somebody told me something I can't get out of my head: Write so you can never go back to that town.

Spill it all.

I'm thinking about it.

Some little known but very good movies I've stumbled onto (or onto again) recently:

The People I Know with Al Pacino
The Recruit with Colin Farrell and Al Pacino
Wit with Emma Thompson

Don't know why I was thinking about those, but everyone should check them out. The People I Know came to mind b/c there is one scene that is set on a street in NYC somewhere in the dead of winter where you see a black stretch limousine stop in the middle of the road, an extremely long, naked leg in heels steps out of the car attached to a woman who appears to be totally naked underneath her full length fur coat. A man's voice inside the car is screaming for her to get back in. We only see her from the back as she's walking away from the limo sing-songing, The bad year is over, the bad year is over....

That was a very powerful scene for me for some reason. I connected with it. It's probably because as most of you know, I also am I highly paid call girl. No really, I think it's because I see some major things shifting in my life right now and I feel a bit like the girl walking naked down the street singing about how free it feels to finally be done with the bad year.

Anyway, it's been an interesting weekend. Lots of fun but not lots of sleep. So I'm looking forward to a more restfull week and a looooong relaxing weekend.

And today I'm also thankful for my close friends. I love you all and think the world of you. Thank you for putting up with the crap I get myself into sometimes. :) And thank you for letting me do it over and over again. And to the special few I've told all my secrets to, thank you for never making me feel like I need to prove myself to sustain our friendship. You guys are awesome.

Daisy-girl out.

Easy like Sunday morning.

I need more of these.

Got home just in time to meet the UPS man today. He delivered the byproducts of the $125 I dropped shopping online this week (stores hardly ever carry talls in anything but the granny panty waste jeans). I look so cute tonight and you're all going to miss it. You should all come to class tonight and marvel at my exquisite taste in apparel.

Seriously.

I'd just like to make the point that I was home at 12:30 tonight. I love Stoney, just don't love his crowd.

I'm a good girl whether you want to believe it or not.

Shawna, baby, I'm sorry I left without seeing you off properly, but I love you and you're gonna have to come up more often!!! I miss you!!!

And to my good friend whose last day at a job he loves is tomorrow, cheer up, Charlie. This is your stepping stone. You have no idea what's out there... You'll do great. :)

And on a completely unrelated note, after getting home and watching that fucking hot Shakira video again, I vaguely remember Maroline sticking her tongue in my mouth at some point in the night...

TGIF everybody.

Wow. A second to breathe. What a novel idea. I don't quite know what to do with myself. So I went to the grocery store. If any of you have seen my fridge lately, you know why. :) I've been accused of having a bachelor fridge more than once. It's still not full, but at least there's nothing molding in there. :)

So I'm trying to psyche myself up for the Stoney show. I heart Stoney. He's in my top five for sure. But for some reason I just haven't been motivated to go out lately. I'm sure it has something to do with having to get up eeaaarrrly in the mornings now.

Shut up Ragan.

Anyway, I was having a conversation with myself on the way to work this morning when a song started playing that normally I'd get all sentimental and want to cry to. And then I'd just immediately turn it off. Most of the time I just avoided listening to the cd because of it. Anyway, it came on this morning and it just made me smile. And I started thinking about how I've been to a lot of grief classes and seminars where they tell you what a fallacy "time heals all wounds" is. But I think that's wrong. If you have a bad wound, over time it's gonna heal. It may not completely go away. You may have a scar... a memory... but it will be healed. Time takes the edge off and brings new perspectives. So I think time does heal. And I realized that this morning when I heard that first chord of the song and it made me want to smile instead of cry. That song reminds me of a great time in my life-- a time when I learned something I never knew before: that I deserve to be loved just like I am. That when I'm laying in bed with someone I love, I don't have to suck in my tummy. Because when he feels me, he doesn't feel my imperfections. He just feels me. And he loves it.

And that's a monumental thing for me. And so the song came on this morning and I was thankful for that time in my life. And I smiled.

Question to ponder:

Why are most of the males in my life completely undependable, therefore completely predictable. And in a bad way.

More on this later. And more on the subject of how time DOES help heal wounds and things can get better. And how you don't have to cry every time you hear that damn song, in fact, you can smile. Except on nights when you're drunk and you're with a boy who consistently ignores you and will not explain why, leaving you to only assume the worst, which is probably true in any case.

Yeah, we'll talk about it later.

This is me coming to you from the spiffy new Michael F. Price School of Business on the campus of the University of Oklahoma. We're talking designer furniture, brand new computers with huge flat screen monitors... the works. Isn't it lovely that business gets all the money? All of us social work people are stuck in the Physical Science building that was built in 1942 and smells like dust and that it's been flooded way more than once. We will not bow to the gods of Capitalism! Even if we have to keep our crappy building!

Anyway, I forget what I was going to blog about now. Oh yes. I fear I may have lost Jefe forever. He descended into the dark caverns of UCO on Monday morning and hasn't been heard from since. This doesn't bode well, my friends. My dearest Jeffrey, please call home and let us know you're ok. :)

So I guess tonight I'll be hitting the Mike and Travis show for a bit after class. At least that's the plan. I will NOT, however, be staying until the wee hours of the morning. I've got class/work all day tomorrow and Friday. School til 9 Friday night, school all day Saturday starting at 8:30 a.m. and Sunday afternoon. I will need plenty of sleep to finish out this week from HELL. It doesn't exactly help that I've made plans to stay out Friday and Saturday night. My life is getting to the point where I have to write TP really big on a piece of paper and put it in my car to remind myself to run by Walgreens at 10 p.m. on the way home from work/school to get toilet paper. These last two weeks have sucked ass. And I'm ready to be done with them.

Ok, deep breath.

It just occurred to me that I'm the only estrogen producer in this computer lab. I could never be with any of these guys. Greedy capitalist warmonger pigs.

I'm just sayin. I wanna hippie. A long haired, tattooed, hippie. And he can be a rockstar if he wants. That wouldn't hurt. :)

Ok, well apparently the dingo ate my blog at some point in the day. But I guess they got blogger back up and running and we're all ok now so breathe a sigh of relief and try to calm down.

Anyway, just a short debriefing moment for those of you who DON'T mind if I talk about horrible terrible human tragedies, AKA work. We spent the entire morning analyzing slides of children who had been beaten and/or malnourished. Dead children. A beautiful 2 1/2 year old little girl with her hair in a ponytail laying on an exam table with electrodes taped to her chest. We wouldn't have known she was dead if they hadn't told us. Her daycare worker threw her up against a wall and caused her to have a brain hemorrhage. An 18 month old little boy who's head was bashed in because his dad was drunk and pissed that he wouldn't stop crying.

They definitely do not pay us enough to do this job. Luckily, that won't be my day to day routine. I just have to know about it, because I have coworkers who will be dealing with stuff like that. I won't be near any of that stuff, hopefully.

Ok, so off the dead babies subject and onto something else. Sorry. But I have to get it out somewhere. You don't want me going NUTS do you? Do you want to be responsible for that? I think not! So just by reading my blog you've been responsible for my good mental health. Bless you.

It's freaking hot in my house. Or it could be the 2 glasses of wine I just had. Who knows. Well, I'm trying to plan out my weekend adventures for the next month or so. Labor Day is up in the air, got a couple of good possibilities, so we'll just have to see. Was gonna do Farmfest with Nic, but it doesn't look like that's gonna work out, so I may spend that weekend with my mom in KC. And who knows after that... I've gotta go see Mimi at some point. It's been too long. And then it'll only be like a week til my birthday, which sadly enough is on a TUESDAY. So maybe we'll have to celebrate both the weekend before AND the weekend after. You know, 26 is such a big year. Right? Yeah. It's 4 years closer to 30 and you know what that means. In 4 years I'll be OLD. OLD OLD OLD. :) No, I'm actually pretty excited about hitting 30. That's when women hit their sexual peak. Can you imagine? They'll have to put me in restraints.

Restraints. Mmmmm...

Anyway, so Dave's coming in tomorrow night. He calls me today and gives me this spill... Man, freaking 25 people have called me today to tell me they're coming to town for the Stoney show to see me. This is what happens when you're gone for two years and you come back... and Rog called me and told me that Mike and Travis Linville are playing Wednesday night, so I'll be there for that. And man, I really wanted to hang out with you, but so many people want to see me. And I can't let my public down. And you won't take off work Thursday for me. So I guess we'll have to catch up some other time. Hope that's ok.

Cocky bastard.

What's up peeps? Just thought I'd take a minute to say hi. I was looking at all the stuff going on in this city today at lunch... and man, I love this time of year. Shakespeare in the Park, new exhibits at the Art Museum, the Arts Festival at OCCC, stuff going on at the Planetarium, there's even some zoo that does night time tours... Someday I'm not going to be too busy to do that stuff.

Ok, the dude sitting next to me is totally checking out my legs.

Anyway, I say we gear up for a SITP sometime next week... it's Romeo and Juliet. I think we've already discussed this, have we not? I can't wait to go later in the month too... wrap up in blankets... a bottle of wine. Holy cow. I've gotta go back to work.

Have a fabulous Tuesday, peeps. And I got the shoes. :)

I think I have to have these.

Wish #1

I am psychotic sometimes. I promise. I have this habit of making things up in my mind and believing them to actually be true just because I believe they are. I've done this for a long time, I think. I had another brilliant example of this naive stupidity today. For the last couple of weeks, I had avoided a certain friend of mine. I hadn't called him, hadn't returned his calls, you know, just generally giving him the run around. I did this because I had made up my mind that he was involved in a situation that was deeply personal and hurtful to me. I just knew he was standing by and letting this happen with no regard to my feelings. I had no evidence of this, but I hadn't heard anything to the contrary, so I just made up my mind that he had betrayed me.

On a whim I answered the phone today. Eventually, I had to get the conflict off my chest and told him why I hadn't been returning his calls. In about two seconds I felt like the hugest dumbass on the face of the planet. It turns out not only was he not involved in the situation, he actually put a dead stop to it. I'd fight to the death for you. You know that.



I don't have faith in my friends. I am a terrible human being. I admit it.

Then I went to Bravo for dinner with Pinky and we reminisced about the situations we get ourselves into over glassES of wine. It was fabulous. Tonight I've got to clean the kitchen. It's getting kind of gross around here. And that's about all I know. Well, at least all I can tell you. If you want to know more, you'll have to camp out with Ryin on my neighbors roof with binoculars.

:)

Closure.

Kerry,

It's hard for me to respond to your email, but I feel like I should. I need to start by saying that you hurt me tremendously and very personally. I understand your concerns and wish that after the years we had spend nearly every moment of every working day together that you could have brought your problems to me and we could have worked through them. I also felt that after investing in you and our friendship the way that I did for those years, I was betrayed. If there's anything I've learned in my life through many of the hurtful things I've been through with Christians, it is that people who crusade for the "right thing" with no regard to respect for people as living, breathing, feeling human beings, without respect to their relationships and lives end up leaving huge paths of destruction in their personal relationships. I've seen it happen over and over again. This time is no different. From experience, I know there is a way to resolve problems like the one we had with all relationships in tact, and come out stronger and better for it in the end. I also feel like if you would have known me half as well as I thought you did after working with me every day for years, you would know there was no way I ever wanted you to leave, and under no circumstance-- even if there was something you felt like you needed to confront me on. Just because you have a conflict in a relationship doesn't mean the relationship is over and everyone should run away. And, yes, it's true. Your behavior and actions sent a very unprofessional message to the board members, because even outside the Christian realm, in the corporate world, that's not the way things are handled in business.

I have to tell you that the whole situation was the last straw for me being in a "Christian" environment or surrounded by that type of people for any length of time. I'm used to people acting that way towards my family in general, but for me personally, it was too much. That is why I left. No one asked me to leave and the board was very willing to sit down with me and work things out. But at that point, I was done. Yes, I had another job lined up which is working out very well. And in May, I'm academically and financially set up to be out of this state for good.

I want nothing but the best for Metro South. I've already seen three or four of my old clients in court. I even watched one of my old clients have her parental rights terminated last week because of bad decisions she has made in her life. It broke my heart. I still want to do everything I can to help people and I'm thankful that doors have continuously been opened for me to do that. I would like to say that I wish our relationship could be repaired, and I think that years down the road that might be possible. But right now, the hurt is too deep and I prefer not to have contact with you any further. I feel like I was betrayed by a very close friend who cared about me nothing more than as just an object to be conquered in her crusade to show herself and others that she was good enough. And I truly am sorry things ended this way.

Be well,

Ashly

What a day this has been. I slept for five hours straight this afternoon. I don't think I even moved a muscle. I've spent tonight watching the series finale of Six Feet Under, doing laundry, and pondering the bigger questions.

It's weird how you can discover you have a need for something you never even knew you were missing. It's like you never realized how important something was until you you were presented with it, and you're just thankful you realized it in time enough to be grateful for it.

Life is a crazy thing sometimes. And I have a feeling that now more than ever I'm just along for the ride. It's let me experience some pretty amazing things. And I wish the same for you. :)

Sunday morning coming down.

I feel seasick. I can't decide if I need to eat something or throw up. I'm getting mixed signals. The party was fun, but I knew it was time to go when I walked into the living room and all of the couches and chairs were filled with snoring people.

And yes, I'm skipping class this afternoon. After the 8 hour lesson we had yesterday on the anatomy of the brain, I'm gonna pass today. I don't think I could take four hours of feeling like I could toss my cookies at any second while listening to people talk about how it's okay to cry.

Duh.

So I'm gonna buy the cat some food and maybe me some too... throw some clothes in the washer and head back under the covers.

What a weekend this was.

Oh yeah, and cat's outta the bag. Dave's flying in Wednesday.

I am all over the map today. I have no control. I'm flat on my face. Sometimes I just let things run away with me. I throw my arms up and say what the hell, just take me away, let's go. I need sleep. And I'm hormonal. And I'm getting drunk tonight.

Lock your doors.

Ragan, as my official whiskey-drinking partner, why did you not kick my ass for enrolling in a weekend class? I'm holding you personally responsible.

Fucking four HOURS tonight. FOUR HOURS. But wait. I have to be back at 8:30 tomorrow morning!! It's not so bad going at 1 p.m. on Sunday, but STILL. I need my Friday nights. And I emphasize the NEED.

Next week isn't going to be much better either for reasons you'll understand later. This life I live just gets crazier all the time. Go with the flow. That's all you can do.

And hopefully you'll get wet.

And I mean that.

;)

Proceed with Caution

Major casualty. Sometimes when you're waxing, it doesn't all come off. It leaves little green specks stuck to your skin. So you have to kinda pinch to get it off... I left a mark. OUCH.

Check me out, I'm wonder woman.

I wrote 2 papers tonight, went out to hang with Maroline for a bit, had some cool Japanese food at Musashi's, got a little buzzed on 2 crown and cokes (just proof I've got to drink more), came home, finished a journal project, waxed, and cleaned my house.

No, I'm not on speed. Sometimes you just gotta do what you just gotta do. Now it's midnight and I'm sleepy. I have nothing to wear tomorrow. Luckily I'll get off work early just in time to come home, change clothes for class, head to Norman and act like I'm thrilled to be there for 4 hours on a Friday night. I should have known better than to enroll in a weekend class.

Repeat after me: California, California, California. Very good. Ok.

And now it's sleepy time. And look Ragan, I didn't write anything about the chick that came to court coked up today and yelled at the judge in front of everyone right before he had her cuffed and locked up.

So there.

Man this stuff going on in Israel is really sad to watch. I understand it's part of the peace process, but still. I can't imagine me and my family being thrown out of our home with nowhere to go really. Just something to ponder.

I'm finally getting my hair cut today! Hip Hip HOO RAY! It's been way too long. Still don't know what I'm doing yet. I may show up this weekend with purple spikes. That would be rad.

Man, I wish there was a boy I could pay $30 to mow my lawn. It's a jungle out there. And I'm just not motivated and I won't have any time to do it this weekend, except maybe Sunday night. And nope, can't do it then either b/c the series finale of Six Feet Under is on. Oh well.

Well well well, it's back to the old grindstone. Sorry this is so boring but all the fun stuff is super G-14 classified. So if you wanna know, you'll have to camp out on the neighbor's roof with binoculars.

Good luck!

Full moon.

What. a. day.

I finally had that talk with my boss... you know, the You can't penalize me because I'm not a single mother talk. AKA I'm not doing shit after hours just because other people have to pick their kids up at daycare at 5. Hello. I've made a conscious decision in my life to not have kids up to this point. Are you kidding me? My pills are like oxygen. I'd die without them. So, from now on, I'm not available after 5 p.m. unless it's on one of my cases. And I won't have cases for 5 more weeks. I'm a team player, so of course I'll make exceptions for emergencies, but there better be a realllly good explanation.

So, we fixed that problem. Just another by-product of living in this god forsaken state where females are either married or knocked up at 18.

Anyway, had a couple of really interesting conversations with the most unexpected of people today. *big*huge*GIGANTIC* grins. Drama, what would we do without it. I'm drawn to it like a moth to the flame. I absolutely cannot help it. Yes, it'll get me in trouble eventually... unless I'm as good as I think I am.

And I think I am. :)

Well, I got my shopping fix tonight. I bought an entire outfit for work, including some Bandolino heels and a new pair of jeans for $100. I am woman. Hear me roar. ROOOOOOAAAAARRRR! It's fabulous to have a job where I can come home with fistfulls of shopping bags and not be worried about how I'm going to feed myself at the end of the month.

And tomorrow night we do the 2 W's. Writing and waxing. Yep, it's about that time. And that's all after I get my hair cut at 5 p.m. I need a drastic change. I'm thinking bangs. I need pictures. Gals, help me out.

Welp, it's time for the bubble bath then off to the comfort of my oh so cool and crisp sheets with the AC blowing on top of my warm, cozy quilt and me buried underneath. Snoring. Loud. So loud I wake myself up. And probably Tucker too.

Only 2 more days til I get to be drunk! Woo HOO!

So we've officially been bitten by the worm. Every computer on all 4 floors of the building is restarting every 52 seconds or so. So no email for me at work. So sad. What will we do all day?

I'm planning on shopping after work today. I'll need a drink after that too, so we'll see what happens. I've still got one more paper to write before Friday. I should probably jump on that, huh.

I need some excitement in my life. Hopefully it happens soon. :)

I officially published and deleted two blogs tonight. On overload. I had an attack of Ryin's Syndrome.

Too much disclosure. I was afraid you might see through me. Then you'd know my secrets. Then what would I be left with?

Happy hump day!

Problem solved.

I'm officially graduating and blowing this popsicle stand in May.

I need a drink.

Lunch time rant.

What started out as a fairly decent day has gone down hill rather quickly.

While I just so happened to be perusing my graduate college's website and checking out forms for graduation and whatnot, I realized the deadline to apply to take comps (comprehensive exams) in the spring was YESTERDAY. And they took great care to use bold all caps to say NO EXCEPTIONS WILL BE MADE. Here's the thing, if I miss the deadline, I can't take them until the summer. And not only do I have to take them in June, but I have to be enrolled in 6 hours while taking comps as well. As we all know, this will SERIOUSLY delay my exodus from the Land of the Damned. And the reason I missed the August 15th deadline is because I saw another form that very clearly read the deadline was SEPTEMBER 15th. Obviously, I took immediate action. If I get back to work and there's not an email in my inbox saying, Ms. Boyles, we will gladly accept your application for comprehensive exams for the spring, there's going to be a blood bath in Norman.

I'll need a driver for the getaway car.

In other news, do you know anyone who seems like they just like to be miserable constantly? I run across these people from time to time. Their lives are constantly in a state of massive drama and nothing ever seems to be right with them. Something's always gotta change. Nothing ever works out. Everything just sucks. Look at me and how goddamned introspective I am.

Yeah, I'm talking to myself probably. I get it. But still, it gets on my nerves.

Phew. I feel a little better.

I think.

The Official Interview

1. There are three other people at your dinner table. Who are they and why are they there?

Jack, Jose, and Jim. Duh.

2. Who's on your top ten list?

- CB, RJ, JF, MG, and every other incredible man who's influenced my life in a positive way (they all count as one.)
- Dr. Elaine Smokewood and
- Dr. Marsha Keller (for telling me that I can)
- Dr. Myrna Carney (for telling me I couldn't)
- My mom (for being the single strongest female on the face of the planet)
- My lil sis (for being the most independent thinking woman I've ever known)
- My dad (for being the duct tape in my life)
- My girls, Dolly, Dixie, and Drew (for all the childhood memories that are bleeding into adulthood-- there are some things you never lose.)
- Dave (for calling me out and being one of the most honest people I've ever known)
- Bukowski (for being dirty and teaching me how to do the same)

3. You get called into your meeting with the supreme being of your choice and he/she/it tells you that you get to make three world changing decisions today, no questions asked. What would you pick?

a) Tolerance and mutual respect for all human beings would be something each and every one of us is born with.
b) Every girl on the face of the planet would feel beautiful 100% of the time.
c) I would have Katherine Zeta Jones' body.

4. If you had to pick the same meal to eat every day for a year what would that meal consist of?

Shrimp and torn pasta from that little place in Laguna. Mmmmm...

5. When you meet a person (male or female) what is the first thing you notice about them?

Whether or not they smile when they see me. It always makes a person feel good when they feel like you're happy to see them. :)


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2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.
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4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Woo HOO! Money's in the bank. Who wants to party? :)

Ok, so I will be working out sans M a la noche... then I will be cleaning yet another room in my house, as well as reading about how to make myself "remarkably less disturbable," and writing something to the same effect.

It'll be a miracle if I actually get one of those three things done. I don't want to do anything except sit on my porch in the sprinkling rain and wax poetic about things completely beyond my control. We shall see.

I got my results from a Myers-Briggs personality test I had to take for school. HIL-arious. I scored a perfect 30 out of 30 on Feeling and Intuition.

Go figure. :)

I absolutely love days like this. It feels like the beginning of fall. Everything is just a little quieter, a little more calm, and a whole lot cooler.

I got to spend the morning in the "quiet" part of the office with the hotline workers. Those people have their stuff together. They deal with so many crazies on the phone that they've figured out the whole feng shui thing. It really helps. And they all have that print on their walls that starts with, "Go Placidly..." That just sounds good, doesn't it.

Tonight M and I are working out at 'le gymnasium, which is a fabulous thing. I'm dealing with some super huge self esteem issues. I started thinking about them last night while I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep and I just started to get frustrated. It's amazing how one person can say one thing to you and then you decide it's better if you just never leave the house again. You start seeing yourself from a whole new angle. And it's the wide one.

Anywho, the blogosphere is fairly quiet today. Everyone must be busy bustin' their humps for the man... Ah, Monday. Whaddayagonna do?

This weekend went too quickly. After the marathon that was last week, I need an extra day to just lay around and do nothing. But Monday morning comes too soon. So does the start of the school year. Come Friday evening at 5p.m., so starts the race to graduation and the beginning of my new life on the left coast in May. It's going to be a long haul, but it's only 9 months and in the grand scheme of things, that's nothing, right?

So I've let my subscription that mom bought me to the dating service run out. It was a bust. But probably just because I made it that way. I met a couple of different guys that seemed promising in the beginning but made it clear pretty early on that they weren't anywhere near ready for someone like me. And I think that's the key. You've got to admit, I'm an odd one, Mr. Grinch. And I know I sabotaged the whole thing from the start anyway... because in the back of my mind I was always thinking, I don't want to commit to any of these people right now... So next time, mom's just going to have to listen when I tell her I'm not ready.

I deep cleaned the kitchen today. That felt good. I should have done the same thing to my bedroom but I didn't have the energy after last night... so I spent today napping, watching movies, and thinking how perfect it is outside and wishing there was a certain someone present to share it with. But I settled for appreciating the cuteness of a cat who covers his eyes and snores when he sleeps.

And so we settle in for the long week ahead. Have a good one!

Originally uploaded by Daisy Girl.

Fuckin Mark. Bad ass.

As the night wore on things got stranger and stranger. What started out as helping a friend find his car from the night before turn into a full on hangover. My favorite part of the night was Matt saying, "You want your tab?" Then watching him flip through the rolodex and realize I had no tab. Not tonight, sir. Today I'll be recovering and cleaning la casa. I can't believe we already have to go back to work tomorrow. And school starts this Friday...

Folks,

I am flat worn out. I can feel it all coming on. I've driven across this state and back nearly 3 times this week and I keep having to mooch $$ of mom and dad for gas until I can get reimbursed and that is a pain in the you know what. Deep breaths, deep breaths, and hold on. I feel like if one more person asks me to do something they don't want to/don't have time to do, Evil Daisy will unleash her reign of terror on the world at large. It will not be pretty.

Looks like that general feeling is in the air today. Dixie and I have postponed our workout to Monday so we can just spend the rest of our weekend relaxing. As for me, I'll be reading and writing about my emotions and what they mean to me. I can't believe I'm actually getting college credit for this. :) I'm even considering skipping the TJ show due to my current schedule/money situation. I feel like I need a break from my life this weekend. And so it begins...

Babies! For real.

Babies! For real.
Originally uploaded by Daisy Girl.

Ive got a cutie patootie in my back seat... I sooo need to be a mommy!

Well that was fun.

Jefe and I ventured out to the quiet little Cafe Bargoos last night for dinner and drinks. Being that it is so close to his casa, Ryin even graced us with his presence. Good times all around.

Man, I am tired of being broke. This whole working for a month and a half before you get paid thing blows. I keep telling myself I just have to make it til Wednesday (when the student loans roll in) then I've got a list... haircut, pedicure, major shopping spree, toothpaste, eyeliner, and taking Jefe out. Til then I'm just going to have to monitor my bank account daily and hope the landlord doesn't cash the rent check for another few days...

Well, mom and Dave are passing through town today so we'll be having lunch at one of my favorite places, Iron Starr. I'm super excited about that. And if I get off in time (cross your fingers on that one) I'm going to join Ms. Maroline for a sweat session at the OCU gym after work. This is going to be a regular thing from now on. Yes. Very good.

TGIF, peeps. I love my friends, and I love you. :)

Ok, I'm sorry, but let's just take a second...

Look how hot we are. :)

I love french onion dip so much that sometimes I think I could probably eat it with a spoon.

That's really sick isn't it.

Let's tackle this topic really quickly. Short bleach blond bitches with huge asses. What exactly is their problem? There are only two people on the planet who if I met them in a dark alley (or just in public in general) and was even the slightest bit provoked, would wrap both of my hands around their necks, and squeeze as hard as I could until it cut off the air supply and their hearts stopped beating, let their lifeless bodies fall with a thud to the floor, then light up a Camel and walk away.

Both of them have disproportionately huge asses.

Immature girls will screw up your life if you let them, I don't care how old they are. So if you know any, run away, run far far away.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Ok, how 'bout CAN WE NOT DO THAT AGAIN?!?

That road trip was just too long and too damn boring. Luckily I found ways around the insanity through Jackie and other various friends along the way.

So I was talking to Dave on the way back. And he says, Yeah, I'm on my way to the show. Jack put me on the list. And by Jack, he meant Jack.

Which means I don't have a seat, so I'm just going to have to wonder around backstage.

You poor, poor baby. How torturous that must be.

Anyway, then I got a phone call from a guy who wants to "meet" me for "coffee." We've talked before, but never face to face. And throughout the course of our conversation about my plans for the weekend he says, "Oh, a Wormy Dog girl. You're one of thooose..."

I don't exactly know what that meant, but it didn't sound good. But it's ok, because he's plays some kind of really crappy guitar so I just made sure to tell him about my stash. And he shut the hell up really quick. And then he just let me know he'd call me some time Saturday. Freak. I was calling you to set something up, not for you to tell me when you were going to call me next. I hate that crap.

I can already tell he's too high maintenance for me. And I can find any excuse NOT to like a guy at this point. And this one seems like a bit of a smart ass. And smart ass is good if I know you and I have a crush on you, but when we've barely even spoken and you want to start calling me names...

Yeah, I have a vibrator. I don't necessarily need you, dumbass.

Ok, all that driving has obviously gone to my brain. It's bathtime + sleepytime. Goodnight.

Greetings to you from the pristine and very well organized desk of one Mrs. Jacqueline Kueny in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma!



See, I left town at 9 this morning only to drive to Tulsa and back TWICE. Don't get me wrong, I love being out of the office, but four hours in the car with a 15 year old who wants to do nothing but crank the bass and the volume up while listening to Pretty Ricky can take its toll on a person. So I decided to stop off the B.A. to see me other BFF, Jackie.

I know everybody's out partyin' tonight but it doesn't look like I'm going to be making it back into town in time to catch ya... plus, I'm runnin' on like $60 til next Wednesday and I've got plans this weekend. :) So everybody have one for me, and I'll see ya on Friday.

Good morning good morning good morning!

I slept like a baby last night. Had some ummm, let's just say, weird dreams, but they were interesting nonetheless. Before that I did some reading about Emotional Intelligence and Why It Matters More than IQ. And I think I concur. I don't care how smart you are, if you can't deal with your shit, you're not going to be successful in many areas of your life.

Well, I've got 2 more books and 3 papers to get written by next Friday night. I'm eventually gonna have to get started on that some time...

I'll be traipsing all over the state again today. Happy hump day!

I can count on one hand how many of these I haven't done:

20 Ways For Women To Tell That They've Had A Little Much To Drink

1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.

2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt while yelling "WOO-HOO!" is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's a** and honestly believe I could do it too.

4. In my last trip to pee, I realize I now look more like a homeless h**ker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.

5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine sandwich on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it

6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.

7. I get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because "Oh my God! I love this song!"

8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me

9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks sexy.

12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become reallygood at it.

13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.

14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor

15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..."

16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.

17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.

19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.

20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight.

I wanted to read tonight, but I thought about writing. I thought about writing and I wanted to play. So I played but I just got frustrated and wished I had our old closet stacked and piled high with books and sheets of music interrupted only by the occasional board game. Most of that got thrown out with the baby and the bathwater in the divorce. I think there's a lone box laying around, probably in an attic in Kansas City somewhere.

Citrus slice of moon tonight. I always like trying to picture what the rest of it would look like if I could see it. And it scared me. It was so big and close it looked like it could fall on California at any minute. Then where would I have to run to? The moon, I suppose.

And now I'm here. Just got off the phone with dad learning the ins and outs of headphone adapters. He takes every chance he can get to save my day. He has spoiled me rotten my entire life. And only said one nasty thing to to me in my whole 25 years. And of course I remember every word of it. And still haven't forgiven him completely.

And I'm sitting here, tears stinging my eyes and I have no idea why. No good reason. No raging hormones, no drink induced emotional state, just sitting here. Dark. And quiet. I feel like I hold myself together pretty reasonably. I look back at my life and as sheltered as I've been I've got some stories. And sometimes I try to forget about those things, reason myself out of their existence. Don't dwell on them. Think about the happy things and how much I'm blessed, because I am. But sometimes the hard stuff comes floating to the surface at the oddest of times...

Being 19 and pregnant, pulling my car into the garage at midnight, closing the door, leaving the car running. Dad hearing the noise and saving my life...

Getting a phone call from dad on the road a thousand miles away or more, telling me where the clip was hidden in his closet, asking me to find it and hide it in my room because he was afraid mom might hurt herself...

Waking up next to Will at 3 a.m. to answer the phone, only to hear my mother screaming and crying on the other end, begging me to call dad and tell him to let her in the house or she would run her car into the side of the house... hearing my little sister crying in the background when I called dad...

Holding my mom when she buckled in front of the bathroom mirror while holding a clump of her own hair in her hands...

Will looking at me on the ride home and saying, I thought they were hurting you. I heard a girl screaming and I thought it was you. Me, half asleep saying, No, I can't feel anything.

I miss my mom. And my sister. I guess sometimes you feel far away from everything you want in your life. You're moving forward but somehow transition feels endless. Stuck. Stagnant and awkward. Life moves forward in a kind of painful progress. You move through one heartache to the next to the next to the next. And you are better for it. I am better for it. It's the between times and the learning. And the breathing. And the flexibility you learn to just let things come. Because you can't stop them, and once they're here, you can't change them. I have to remember to breathe breathe breathe. And I am only one among billions. Today will not change the course of fate, so I need to quit acting like it will. And then, maybe someday I can.

And the friendships I have in my life are just as fluid as the heartaches and the good times. I am thankful for each and everyone of you in your own way while you're making your mark on my life in the little time we have with each other. I learn something from all of you. Determination, compassion, patience, to accept myself and others just as they are, and millions of other things each of you show me day in and day out.

This is the only me. I've got one chance to do everything I can this time around. One chance.

I need to take the word No out of my vocabulary.

Good afternoon fellow earth dwellers.

The looooong driving time today afforded me some really good thinking time and more importantly, some really good singing time. :) What a weekend it was. And to tell ya the truth, I'm kinda glad it's over. It was really fun, but it's time for some down time.

I'm thinking about relationships and how for me the ones that start out hot and heavy tend to die out pretty fast. I can name 3 or 4 off the top of my head (but I won't). But the ones that start out as friendships then turn into something else, well, they never completely go away. I guess maybe that's because that person means more to me. I'm trying to figure that out. I suppose it's because you know that person on more than just the i-really-like-you-please-please-please-like-me-back level. You already know their annoying parts and their dark parts and their quirky parts and the dirty parts that they try to clean up hoping people will like them more, and you still find yourself wanting to be around them all the time.

That's the good stuff. I like that.

You know you are officially a geek when the morning's headlines make you sad.

My favorite newscaster at ABC, Peter Jennings, died last night.

I'm off to Ponca City to pick up a kiddo.

Everybody have a good Monday.

If there wasn't a full moon yesterday you could've fooled me. I was dodging curve balls left and right.

Officially I had:

2 propositions from married/nearly married men (that I turned down, consequently)

3 very emotionally charged questions from a boy I barely know who wasn't even drunk...

1 very secret confession from a friend

2 shots of rumple and

4 shots of Jager

and a very weird dream about getting married to Poncho while dodging bullets at a party where some random girl opened fire.

Crap. I need a nap but I'm heading out again instead. Probably not smart, but I'm a glutton for punishment. What can I say...

Well, it's official. I'm enrolled in FIFTEEN graduate hours this semester and will apply for comps and graduation in May in a month.

And yesterday in one lunch hour I set myself up financially to be able to move to California next May without a job and set up shop for at least 2 or 3 months while looking for employment (AKA reading the classifieds on the beach). That is if I can leave the cash in a savings account and not spend it on vacations and/or liquor. :)

It's a very very cool and slightly scary feeling.

A Massively Tangled Web

Bad decisions we make while intoxicated can sometimes come back to haunt us. All of us have at least one story. You made a stupid call in a certain situation years ago. Literally. Years.

And then you get a phone call today. Apparently neither of you have forgotten about it. For one of you it was a crazy, carefree experience that you'd like to have over and over again. But for the other one it was one of the stupidest mistakes you could have ever made. And the former wants to make it happen again. For old time's sake.

And I may have problems with commitment, I may have problems being honest in relationships sometimes, I may be the girl who always does things just for the "experience," but I know one thing for sure...

If it's going to hurt my girl, you don't stand a chance in hell.

And you're lucky I don't tell her ass.

Question of the day/night/moment/month/year/century...

Is it wrong to like someone initially because they remind you of someone you once loved?

Obviously I know good relationships advance far past that, but initially, is it wrong to be interested in someone because they remind you of someone else?

Well, it happened finally. I'm just surprised it took 3 whole weeks at my new job for me to get called to the office.

DUN DUN DUUUUNNN.

Apparently when I was lost on my way to BFE this week I followed someone too closely while driving a state car.

Isn't that the lamest thing you've ever heard? Anyway, I didn't get in trouble, I just got the whole "representing the state" talk. And yeah, I had to bite my tongue on that one. Because call me anything you want, bitch, slut, dirty whore, but don't call me a representative of the state of Oklahoma. :)

So, it's for sure on like donkey kong tomorrow night. I'm gonna wear a shirt that says, "Yes, he's a bad ass guitar player and no I'm not f%#$*& him." Whatcha think?

The rule is if you smell cat urine never go inside the house.

Why not?

One of the girls in my office went out on a Meth bust today. She came back high as a kite.

I knew this job was going to have its perks.

Something smells funkalicious over here. It's like macaroni in the microwave meets bathroom sanitizer. I'm gagging.

And and you know what else I can't wrap my mind around? Ok, I understand if you're at work or at some other random public place and have to go to the bathroom. I mean really go. But I don't understand the audible grunting. OMG.

Anyway, it seems this is the week for Dinner with Friends. And no, not the Dennis Quaid/Andie McDowell movie. God help me if my life ever ends up like that. Anyway, Monday it was dinner with Pinky, Tuesday was Jefe, and tonight it's steaks and Johnny Depp with Maroline.

Life is good. Slap me if I ever whine about being lonely.

It's going to be 100 degrees today. October can't get here fast enough.

Not much going on today. Just sweatin' my ass off is all. Looking forward to the next 2 nights of resting and getting ready for the weekend. Be sure to come out Friday to the Jager Sponsored Birthday Bash honoring our favorite Texas guitar player, Master P. P Diddy, if you will. Assuming he actually makes it across the Red River this time, we'll be the ones in the corner with the empty shot glasses, snickering mischievously while getting kicked out of private parties, and dumpster diving for something smokable.

Yee haw!

All of the creativity has been literally sucked out of me.

Like a big huge vacuum cleaner.

Or a leaf blower on reverse.

Or Dave Ray eating oysters.

It's gone. All gone.

Besides love, what one trait have you noticed in couples that have maintained a successful relationship for many years?

They fuck like bunny rabbits. But I don't know any couples like that. Ok, well maybe one. The last surviving happily married couple. So the odds don't look too good for the rest of us. I can't answer the rest of your questions right now, sorry.

And I'm supposed to be starting a story about all the guys I've dated. "Dated." Haha. Right. All the juicy details and I'll go back and change the names later. Much later.

But I can't even start it. It hurts my brain too much right now. Anybody got pain pills? Moisha? You here?

I love waking up to mornings where the sun is pouring through the blinds in little slats of sunshine. It reminds me of being a little kid and waking up early on summer mornings to go to six flags or spend the day at the pool. Today for some strange reason, more than usual I feel like I should be looking out my window at the ocean. But instead I get overgrown weeds in the back yard and the clock telling me I need to get in the shower so I can run some errands before work.

I've got some money coming in at the end of the month and it's everything I can do to act responsibly with it. Because even after I pay off a few bills I'll still have enough to catch a plane out of this place for a few days. And the lure of the down comforters and the garden balcony on the shore of the Pacific at this place is almost more than I can stand. It is my A #1 spot for alone time.

And the looming semester ahead isn't too enticing... 15 hours of grad school. Yuck. But come May, the payoff will be worth it for sure. And then I'll be able to pack up the cat and take the ultimate vacation.

So for now, it's onward through the fog...

Seriously, I have lived such a pampered life. I don't think I've ever really worked this hard.

9:42 and I'm just sitting down since 7:30 this morning.

Wha wha wha. I know. (Yes, I can hear you Jeff.)

Luckily I don't have to go in til noon tomorrow. So now with mudslide in hand, I hit the tub and try to calm the craziness...

I'm such a narcissist that I refuse to accept the fact that I can't win them all.

This is me. And how did I get this way? I'll tell you.

Eighteen years of having literally every whim granted at my request... not really with my parents, but with friends, acquaintances, and other adults. See, my world was extremely small and I was born into the royal family. So it was always easy for me to get what I wanted, be around whomever I wanted, and be the princess of my castle in general.

And I blame a lot of my needs in relationships today on the fact that my dad used to stop everything and take my calls on speaker phone in staff meetings. Everyone around the table would chime in with hellos.

So the other night someone said to me, Well I can't just drop everything for you. And I said, Why not. He laughed. But I'm pretty sure he'd make accommodations for me if I asked him to. He loves me like that.

But I realize not everyone will do that for me. And I know it's selfish and unrealistic to expect that from people. And I don't think I do expect it that much. The waters get more murky the more lust and the need to be worshipped is inolved.

Anyway, this is not what I started out to write about. But I suppose that's part of the process. Just let your fingers to the walking and see where you end up. And I'm ending up at the realization that there are just some things in this world that you will never understand, nor are you supposed to. There are also things in this life that you will never conquer. Everything is not possible. And you have to learn how to accept those things with dignity and grace (while drowning your sorrows with a bottle of hard liquor). Not everything you want was meant to be. Not every boy will want to be naked with you.

Dammit.

Why not.

But the ones who do, count them as blessings. Horny little I'll drop everything if you ask me to blessings.

And yes, I am blessed.

So here I am, hiding out in my little cubicle, typing away like mad on company time...

I've definitely got a case of the Mundays. I thought I was going to get a full 8 hours in last night, but I guess that wasn't in the cards... and well, it was a fair trade I would say.

Looking back at the weekend, starting with Thursday, I'm trying to figure out what exactly happened. Crazi-ness. 10 bar run, good food, confrontation with drag queen, drunk dials, gay porn, Matt Hodges, toothless karaoke, a strip club, and one emotionally charged and refreshingly honest conversation.

Not your typical weekend at the Wormy Dog. Translation= I spent way too much money.

Now it's back to the grindstone. When I woke up this morning my first thought was, I can come home and take a nap at lunch. Yikes. We'll see how the day progresses.

Happy August 1st!